It’s been a long, long time that I have felt like I do right now, so I just had to write about it.

I recall many times last year, going on dates that I was excited for and writing a little short post to express the butterflies or my nervousness and hopes that all went well.

For some reason, still inexplicable to me, I am crazy about meeting Bennett tonight.

We are staying in a great hotel that we both adore, going to a favorite restaurant where I get to have my oysters, lobsters and prosecco, and then get to spend the night together.  All arranged by Bennett and I all have to do is show up and look pretty.  I have killer red suede heels on tonight and a sexy black dress and I feel great.

He is as excited as I am and we are like two teens going on our first date with the one you have had a crush on for so long that you can’t even believe the time has come to go out with them.

Can you tell I’m gushing?

I am.

So you know what I did to myself today?  Something pretty stupid.  Wasn’t worth it.

I have stayed away from social media and Bennett for the very reason I should – it’s none of my business and nothing good can come from it.  But I asked him to send a friend request on Facebook and he did, although hesitantly, because he had already explained what I would see.

The appearance of a very happy family.

Bennett doesn’t post family photos, he posts photos of himself with his children and refrains from saying “we”.  His wife, however, clearly gives the impression of a whole and happy family.

So, I start to think, will he really be able to leave that?  She has no idea and obviously likes their family the way it is.  Maybe she will give him a very hard time when/if he does tell her.  Maybe he has no intention of telling her and I am the fool.

And I go right down the rabbit hole…..my fault.  I do it to myself.

The truth is, I don’t know what to believe.  Anyone’s theories (including my own) don’t matter.  Typical affair behavior doesn’t matter.  All that matters is I take care of myself.  I will not allow myself to be broken by a man ever again.

So, for now, tonight, I am going to go have an amazing time with a man I love.  I’m not going to badger him or even bring it  up.  I cannot influence this change, this is fully on him.

But I can choose to be happy with my lot.

And, tonight, I am.  Thrilled.  He’s mine tonight.

I will think about tomorrow another day.



Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

17 thoughts on “Excitment”

  1. In some ways, its a good reality check to see photos of him with his family. Yes, they are real, and its going to be really hard for him embark on change with them. That is what is real for him. You are a breath of fresh air for him, but you are an escape. So, good for you to have your eyes wide open to that. However, If you catch yourself repeatedly returning and lurking on his social media and feeling powerless and hopeless as a result, stop. Even unfriend him, and tell him why. But, tonight? Enjoy yourself, Girl.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You kind of hit on my exact sentiments (are you in my head??!!).

      I thought about unfriending him immediately because what’s the point. I saw what I needed. It’s enough. I was most curious to see how his wife portrayed their family. I got what I came for. No need to make it worse.

      I feel much more clear with Bennett than I did with Bobby.

      I don’t doubt his love. Which is wonderful.


  2. I’m curious – when you met Bennett, didn’t he say or give the impression that his marriage was dissolving? I’m sorry, I can’t quite remember anymore. In that case, what happened or when did it become obvious that that wasn’t the case? It concerns me – I thought you embarked on this with him under the impression that he was ending his marriage. And not to say that he isn’t, but from all you’ve said – his wife has no idea. That’s concerning, on all levels. Again – forgive me for questioning… I’m just not as sharp as I used to be. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. haha – no you are not wrong. Bennett believes his marriage is over, but in my opinion, a woman who is posting family photos consistently and giving a portrayal of a happy, solid family unit clearly has no idea that their marriage is over. That’s just my opinion from the outside looking in. He maintains he doesn’t know or care what she thinks and she uses social media to stage a solid family life. For me, I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as my x, never mind pose for family photos.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh who gives a shit right now? As long as you two had a great time last night, that’s all that matters for the moment.

        Hope you are very very sore right now 😎😘


      2. Also FB and social media are such an illusion. I’ve known so many people whose lives are crumbling yet they continue to put the big happy family vibe out there so others won’t see what’s truly happening. And then others put too much out there and you’d wish they’d rein in the train wreck a little 😊

        Liked by 4 people

      3. Now I can see where she might use social media that way and, more importantly, to manipulate him – if she is aware that the marriage is failing. Yet, you’re on point with the posing for pics… old pics, okay. But new pics? Not okay. Or maybe having him posing in family pics when the kids don’t know what’s going on is part of the manipulation. That’s classic. My ex made me wait to tell the kids until school ended, and in the meantime pulled out all the stops to keep me chained in…. insisting on going out for Mother’s Day…my daughter’s birthday party, dinners at “home,” etc.


    1. I do (sort of believe) that. I think part of my issue is that I couldn’t stand the x for so long there was no way I was taking photos with him, even with the kids. Bennett doesn’t hate his wife like this, and respects her as the mother of his children and wants his children happy. But I can’t get past the bad taste in my mouth that she is so oblivious to any change that he won’t be able to cross that line, ever.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. When we are in “untrue” relationships we do a disservice to ourselves. I didn’t understand that when I was your age but now I do. You deserve to be #1 in your man’s life but you are regulated to less than that. Wait until he is free and then decide if he is worth it.


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