There is no update to yesterday’s story regarding Bennett. Our conversation stopped after the mutual ignorance of our lunch date. He feels it was up to me to mention it and I feel like it was up to him. Same behavior, different people.
Maybe its foot stomping. Maybe I’m being petulant. Perhaps I’m mad. I know I’m sad. But my bottom line was he needed to build time in for me around the holiday. I would have been happy with less than his original offer of a week, but more than the subsequent offer of one evening.
In my head, I was giving up seeing him over the Christmas Break and New Years.
And I was waiting for him to start his discussion with his wife.
I felt like he offered me something or made a promise then took it away after he extracted my agreement to wait for him, yet again.
I’m sure this isn’t what actually happened but considering this is my situation, it’s also my perception. And my perception is my reality.
I feel like he gave me the moon and took it back and offered me a flashlight in return. Doesn’t matter what anyone really thinks, it’s what I feel. Of course I would have settled for less, just not that much less when he was getting my agreement to wait.
I am asking him for something he says he cannot achieve. I don’t buy it. Anyone can figure out how to stay out of their home for two nights as an executive. Work commitments arise, use the excuse. One night or two isn’t cracking anyone’s curiosity open wide. Again, that’s my opinion. He isn’t working hard enough to keep me. And I am the type of woman who needs proof. It happened with my x, it happened with Bobby, it’s happening again. Actions speak louder than words, prove to me you mean it. Especially when you are asking me for something like waiting for you.
So there it is, foot stomped. Gauntlet thrown. Whatever you want to call it.
Bennett sent a goodnight text as well as a good morning and I replied in kind to both. I do love him but a very large part of me feels a break isn’t the end of the world. My biggest concern is that I will hold it against him for not “fighting” to keep me by doing what I believe is in his power to do. I develop resentment easily. This one feels like it can grow ugly tentacles.
Maybe I’m not running back to him because I knew the end was inevitable. Maybe there is some real acceptance of my situation. I wish I could say I have more clarity but I mostly feel numb. He sort of feels like a missing limb that I keep going to flex, he’s like part of the fabric of me. I know he loves me and I know this is killing him.
But I can’t keep crying wolf so I chose my stance now and I’m sticking to it. The only thing I can say with absolute certainty is I know that one night is not enough, it feels like a cheap imitation or a token, not the real thing. That particular feeling hasn’t gone away in the 24+ hours since this happened. I don’t feel drama, anger, panic, anxiety or fear over the outcome. I know whatever happens needs to happen now.
If the best he can offer is one night, I cannot offer to wait patiently and watch him do his family obligation quietly. So I guess it all comes down to this – breaking it off for one night.
He did reinforce to me again today that regardless what happens this month that he still has every intention of speaking to his wife the first week of January and just hopes its in time. I didn’t really ask him to clarify further but I assume he is also worried that by the time he makes a change I will have turned away from him. We are both worried about the same thing.
I was hoping to speak to him but he has family obligations today that make it nearly impossible. I guess there really isn’t anything left to say anyway.