I have been so busy, overwhelmed and confused the past few weeks.
Life is good, just full, so this isn’t a complaint but more a note that I don’t have the time and energy to be unhappy or distracted by anything. I can only focus on the things I must do and things that will make me happy.
My job and kids are the priorities, time with friends, and Bennett.
Oh, but Bennett is my conundrum.
In the past week or so, I felt a sort of sadness of things ending with Bennett even though there’s been no discussion or indication of such. Something in me was saying “let this go and run its course”. I had no idea why. I tried to pinpoint it, determine where the feeling was coming from and I couldn’t.
I think because his “time” had run out. In my head I was allotting him a month after he asked me to wait. Although I didn’t give it enough clarity of thought, here’s what I had proposed to myself: if Bennett doesn’t do anything (meaning at least have the conversation with his wife) prior to Thanksgiving, then I need to end this relationship.
I noticed in the run-up the Thanksgiving that this weird sort of sadness was surfacing and I finally put two-and-tw0 together and knew it was time for a more serious discussion with him.
Another trigger was Bennett asking me to take a vacation with him the week before Christmas. He had been hinting about a week alone with me and I wasn’t picking up on the cues (which is pretty rare for me, but I was so oblivious to him being able to find that kind of time that I just didn’t guess that’s what he was hinting at). Perhaps he was thinking the week alone with me would be enough to get me through the holidays while he remained married.
Eventually, we had a short conversation about his leaving his marriage and he said one of his biggest fears is that I won’t like “transitional Bennett”. That sort of stopped me in my tracks to think how difficult it would be to go through and end of marriage with someone. It’s probably pretty difficult to build a happy relationship on the back of what he considers to be a failure.
I’m also dealing with complete and utter exhaustion. Last year I had a near fatal reaction to a medication and my body hasn’t ever quite balanced out since then. I have anemia so badly that I require iron infusions. Perhaps if I could predict when the exhaustion sets in, or identify it as simply related to anemia (very stress or poor sleep) maybe I could catch it sooner. But it starts out as feeling normally tired and then suddenly takes a turn where all my body wants to do is sleep and it’s very hard for me to function. This started to happen last weekend and I knew it wasn’t normal exhaustion so I went and had the lab tests which identify the anemia. The iron infusion still takes about a week or more to kick in so I’m facing a touch week ahead yet in terms of exhaustion.
This situation mixed with the exhaustion and a job ramping up full speed is a lot on my plate at once. Small things Bennett may do are irritating more than they should – and this is exactly what he is pouring out may happen to him during transition. He says he does not like transitions like that, being somewhat of a nomad, unsettled. How would I manage that time with him, and who knows how long that transition goes on. It seems a long road before we would be on a path to a clear and healthy relationship.
There is such a mix of things going on right now that it’s super hard to identify any appropriate feelings.
I worry if I go on vacation with him that it might be even more upsetting to be without him over the holidays. I fear that if I end it, I will be more unhappy without him than with him. There is no perfect answer, but there is a right answer, which is to end it before he leaves his marriage so that he can leave his marriage with a clear conscious.
I’m in a loop-de-loop with this. I am not unhappy with Bennett, he brings me more happiness and peace than the times I am upset over minor or silly things. I’m in a situation that is unhealthy, probably for both of us, and possibly to the ultimate demise of the relationship. I want to have the strength to say goodbye for now, but I haven’t found it.
I’m due to be with him later this week, hopefully we will be able to agree on our next steps, together.