Hairline Cracks

I rarely write top of mind any longer since I don’t have the time.  In the past, it was my style and I do find it useful for unloading sometimes.  So here goes…..

 

 

In terms of porcelain, hairline cracks devalue a piece just as much as a real crack.  Sometimes you don’t discover these hairline cracks until you bring the piece home.  Some sellers might try to tell you that hairline cracks are not real cracks, but they are, perhaps just given time.

The cracks have started to show with Bennett and I.

I am aware that much of this comes from me and my ability to maintain this relationship while he is married.  But, some of it is simply our differences.

I have learned, quickly, Bennett doesn’t like to be called out on anything.  Especially as it relates to his character.  I am the same way, so I feel that I saw this about him quite quickly.  I wonder if we handle it the same way from an outsiders perspective?  I can only give you my view of how I feel when these small eruptions happen between us.

Over the years I realize politics is not something I can discuss with people.  There’s a lot of reasons for that, but the two most important are that I respect others opinions and don’t like to debate them if I am to disagree because I don’t value politics as highly as others do.  The second reason is that I am relatively uneducated in regards to politics because I am not interested, and I don’t follow the news.  Some years my x used to need to tell me who was elected president the morning after since I was so disinterested.    These two reasons cover most of the reasons I just don’t discuss politics.

Well, I made the mistake of discussing politics with Bennett.  I should have known this could potentially lead to a rift between us because he does get polarized by ideals, where I don’t.

Here’s my version of what happened.  We were amicably discussing the vote, which I stayed up to almost 1am to watch before I passed out.  By that point I had gotten a good does of all the “other” information so I was in a better position to have a discussion about the states that voted in which direction.  Then the following conversation happened:

B: He hasn’t demonstrated any gender bias but he is a cad.

M: He’s a mans man for sure

B: Not this man

M: You voted for him!

B: Strictly business, as a person I don’t care for him.

M: Listen, I am going to say something you will disagree with, if you are saying he’s a cad because of the way he treats women, you and your friends are no different

B: Really?

And there it started….we went down the wrong path because I said something that he felt was “character assassination.”

I went on to explain how having raunchy bachelor parties, going to strip clubs and cheating in obvious situations is just as bad as anything Trump has done to demoralize women.  His point is that the women he did those things with “made a choice.”  Now I am going to irritate a lot of you feminists out there but Miss Universe made a choice too…she chose to be the face of a very expensive franchise, and he treated her like crap for it which I don’t agree with, however, she was paid quite well to be objectified.  Now, those two things don’t go in the same bucket for Bennett but they do for me.  All of it is objectifys women in one way or another so where is it you draw a line and say it’s acceptable?

I don’t get on the side of right or wrong…I tend to say that if a woman puts herself into a position like that and gets objectified, well, then suck it up buttercup or don’t do it, you have a choice.

I’m not here to debate your politics with you, I am simply telling you my point of view which led me to another statement I made to Bennett which probably pushed him over the edge this morning.

I feel that he has an idealized version of himself and sees himself as the good guy.  I have debated this many times because he doesn’t (or didn’t) even see himself as a cheat until we had sex…it didn’t matter that he had had several liaisons over many years which included sexual activity, but not intercourse…and there was no emotional involvement so it “didn’t count” in his head.  I have said this to him before and he has a very hard time accepting that he isn’t a good guy and just as much as a douche who cheats over and over on his wife in any fashion.

He hates when I do this.  It makes him nuts.

He wants to have this upstanding citizen appearance when, frankly, he’s not.  Yes, it’s probably not my place to tell him, but today when I mentioned it, I also said that the grit he has underneath all his “good guy” stuff is the nuance that I love most about him.

So he exited the conversation and took a break, without telling me.  (we were texting)

I knew I had made him mad based on his lack of response.  I suggested we table the conversation and speak in person because he was misinterpreting what I was saying in text and it was better to talk about.

For the next 50 minutes, I heard nothing in response to my several messages.  Finally the exchange became:

B: Sorry I needed a break from my character assassination

M: Then you can say that instead of disappearance. I wasn’t assassinating you at all.  It makes me upset when you do that to me.  Enjoy your morning.

I had really had enough.  He has done that more than once, promised he wouldn’t do it again (exit the conversation with no warning) and it does make me partly upset and angry.

His reply later was:

B: I get a little tired of “you think you’re the good guy when you’re not” exchanges.  It happens more often than you think.

And, just like that, the crack widened.

No phone calls this morning which never happens.

No further text from either of us.

I have a pit in my stomach, but unlike past events, I am not immobilized by this.  Maybe because I am angry that he’s throwing a temper tantrum so I am throwing one of my own.    I have a busy day ahead and can’t truly focus on this type of nonsense.  If he didn’t like what I was saying he could say that to me and he could suggest speaking about it later.

He hates to think he is the bad guy.  He doesn’t see himself in the light others would see him in if they don’t know him or his circumstances.  But the fact remains that his actions do define him in some way, just as mine do.  And those actions speak to our characters, for better or worse.

Just like the political candidates, no one is whiter than white and no one is perfect.  We all have our human flaws and make grave errors in judgement along the way.  We make our own decisions based on the situations we are in.    I don’t judge Bennett for his actions, I am simply calling a spade a spade and he doesn’t like it…he wants to see himself as the man who is a good upstanding citizen, moral role model, family man, husband and father.  And sure, he is those things, even to the extent that his husbandly duties include providing for his family and he is an excellent provider.

Maybe I am wrong for saying it more than once…and maybe this is just another example of where I need to keep my mouth shut.

In typical Virgo fashion I am hyper-critical of those I love the most.

I just don’t know if I give in to this…it’s not really important to me to make a stand.  I don’t like how I feel – so can I let my gut decide that it’s better to be passive and let him believe what he would like to believe….as I believe, maybe one day he can be that idealistic man he so desperately wants to believe he is.  Maybe he can match the values he believed his father upheld.

So, here it is 11am on the eve of the 4 nights we are supposed to spend together and I am stuck in the mud.  I don’t even know what to say in responsive to his last message because I already offered to table the conversation for later.

I have back-to-back meetings for most of the day and there will be no opportunity to speak to him before he drops his family at the airport after 2 pm today.

The crack itself is not a surprise to me, I have already seen how our personalities could clash with my critical side and his need to be right side.  Neither of us like being called out or wrong, and he never does it to me….I have never heard him utter a critical word about me…..unless I am criticizing him.  As I write this, I feel like I must be in the wrong.  But just because he sees me in a love-haze doesn’t mean I have to see him the same way.

But maybe I just have to shut my mouth in this respect as well.

I don’t know.  I don’t like the standstill we are in.

 

 

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

52 thoughts on “Hairline Cracks”

  1. Just because you disagree on some things does not mean there are cracks. No 2 people can realistically agree on everything. You have told him what you think. It bothers him greatly. Now it’s for you to keep quiet about it in future. And for him to improve himself in your eyes. You both know each other’s feelings. Leave it there.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I recognize the behaviour because in the past I’ve done it – when you say you’re being “quiet” about something I suspect you continue to poke at it. It’s all relative, so you likely don’t see it. But it will be a sensitive point for the person on the other side.
        And a serial cheater? Yeah, he’s not going to like you bursting a “good guy” bubble.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. if you feel that you have to keep your mouth shut all the time, eventually you will start to dislike being with him. if you two really can’t speak your mind with each other and not see it as a really negative experience, then maybe you need a couple of glasses of wine and start reassessing where you are headed.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. In all honesty, there are few things I can’t speak my mind about – this one thing seems to be a sore point as well as his marriage. We don’t have any other conflict as we agree on most everything in an almost uncanny way.

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  3. You are beginning to sound like you could be an emotionally abused woman especially where he is concerned. He’s always right and your always wrong… you did it to him. He punishes you by stopping texts to you… It takes two to tangle M, and he knows that you are the weaker person when it comes to him. He knows what he is doing and how it is affecting you, once again that’s the way he intends to control you. Don’t be too surprised if he changes his mind somewhat about the next several days.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Whether you continually poke at him or not, he is clearly uncomfortable with being called out as an unfaithful man. The truth hurts. That being said, you’re having a relationship with this married man, and either you accept this or you don’t. Maybe this “poking” at him is perceived as you not accepting him.

    Liked by 5 people

  5. I read something recently about what causes relationship breakdowns. It’s not money, politics, children or even relationship status that is the number one indicator of the strength of a relationship; it’s how a couple disagrees and argues. Do they listen to each other? Do they demonstrate respect, even during conflict? Do they negotiate solutions or perspectives so that both participants’ voices are reflected? Does the couple become stronger in response to the conflict? I found that idea interesting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. wait….what? who raped a 13 year old girl?????? Not Bennett for sure, he actually had some sexual abuse issue when he was younger but I haven’t written about it.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. You know this isn’t going to work and your sub conscience is telling you so. I would end it now. Married men who pursue single women are either deluded or manipulators….or worse..users! Either way get out of this while your self esteem and self respect are still intact. He loves you. So what. Another guy will come along who also loves you and doesn’t have family commitments.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. i suppose it’s easy to bucket all married men (or women) into that bucket….but it that’s the case you would be putting me in that bucket because I did the same at the end of my marriage over 2 years ago.
      For me, I don’t think all situations and people are created equal.

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  7. So much going on here. First off, disclaimer, I am personally in a state of acute grief over the election results, and it just hearing that B voted for him because he wanted to protect his business interests makes me feel let down. I need to get over that, because a little less than half of America had their reasons for voting him in, too. Please don’t comment on that or feel like you have to defend him. Its a free country, but I do feel let down. That aside, here are some thoughts. One, any conversation that you try to have with him now about his character in particular about him having an affair is going to end with you feeling dissatisfied, at at worst, hurt. But, its natural that you are frustrated by him. Have some compassion for both of yourselves. When a relationship is under duress from external factors, both parties are going to be underresourced, stressed, exhausted from the stress, and in moments of weakness will take it out on each other. This would happen if one of you was unemployed, or had a dying parent (which is also happening for you), or lost your home or assets to an unforseen event, or was assaulted, etc. etc. etc. You both chose to accept these stressful circumstances – no one forced a gun to the other’s head. So, roll with the punches and keep having compassion for yourself and for the other. Second, I like someone’s theory that perhaps B (and maybe you?) are anxious about spending all of this time together for the next few days and may be unconsciously trying to sabotage it. This is an opportunity to ask (in a non-accusing way) if there is any stress over this. Hear the other out. Watch your feelings as they come up and voice them without being reactive or overly accusing. This is hard, hard stuff. Last, conflict is supposed to feel hard, and there is always that moment in a conflict where you feel overwhelmed and want to throw in the towel. I think that a couple’s strength lies not on how minimal conflict is, but in how it is navigated when it arises. Good luck!

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  8. this one is really involved for me because
    my mother always told me not to talk about politics, but when it is someone you know…and there are other issues here as well. i just wish all the best for you M, because at the end of it? You are not the same people and communication styles are going to clash…just hopefully you guys will keep communicating even with some rough patches ((hug))

    Liked by 1 person

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