I have to say, my hardest accomplishment to date is staying quiet with Bennett when something eats at me. But, I promised myself that my mouth stays shut about his marriage for a month while he supposedly makes some changes.
I remind myself that being in a relationship with a married man is my choice. I shouldn’t penalize him for what I was fully aware of when I entered into this relationship and fell in love. I am sticking to that commitment. No good comes of sticking needles in his eyes.
This weekend we have our first long stretch of time together. We have spoken about the time in an ambiguous way and I realize this was partially about my assumption we would spend the entire time together except for the times when he would drive home and care for his dog.
He wasn’t planning to stay overnight with me. He felt he needed to go home because his neighbors would know he wasn’t home.
Nor could I go home with him. He said he lives in an open development, his neighbors are hyper aware of comings and goings and he would never be comfortable with me in his home. He felt it was one line he couldn’t cross. He said that his kids are going to have enough trouble absorbing the fact that their parents will divorce and I was in the picture that he didn’t think it fair to make them uncomfortable in their own home.
Personally that last piece doesn’t ring true to me…..why would anyone need to know I was there is beyond me – unless he just assumes we get caught.
It made me think about how I hate the fact he would feel the need to tell his wife about me at all. And reminds me that I shouldn’t be part of the end of his marriage. Or so I think.
At first it bothered me that he was over thinking me going to his house and how often his neighbors would “see” him over the weekend to keep up appearances. Instead of addressing it with him I wrote to Ann to tell her. I was calmer telling her than had I spoken to him about it. The sick feeling I got in the out of my stomach passed.
The bottom line is I am mad that we don’t have normal time together. Maybe mad is too strong a word, but in the moment it felt like anger. I realize we won’t have anything normal until he tells his wife.
I made a poor assumption that he would spend the nights with me – going home for the dog late then going back in the morning. I didn’t even think about him being at home for appearances sake. It definitely caught me off guard.
I can tell he is flustered by the fact it upset me. I am trying to be as normal as possible and not address it but I think he knows. There really is not point in talking about it. I shouldn’t want to be in his family home because it would be like sticking hot pokers in my eyes. If her Facebook posts show a happy family, I have no doubt the home feels that way.
I keep thinking they should be like me and my x and dislike one another. But, they don’t and they have never had a contentious relationship. It’s just dead. Nothing more or less. I have a hard time understanding that based on the few divorces I have first hand experience with, including my own.
In any case, once I kept my mouth shut and let some time pass and didn’t raise the issue again, my negative emotion subsided. I noticed last night and today he is particularly sensitive and loving and my guess is that he hates to see me upset and is gauging how much it was really bothering me. But, it truly wasn’t bothering me enough to raise it again. I tend to think that over the weekend I will make a comment, but the fact that I am already aware that I could make a comment should be enough to also help me be aware enough NOT to make any negative comments.
This is my choice, regardless of Bennett having his cake and eating it. As long as I choose to stay here with him, I do believe I have learned that put up or shut up is pretty much what I have to do.
Surprisingly, after seeing him after work, sleeping on it and then having lunch with him today, I do feel fine. I can see him looking for signs of conflict, but there are none and I meant that, which is good to feel right now.
My life is going in a direction I am not only proud of, but fulfilled with. Of course this situation is not ideal and, believe it or not, I am having a sense of guilt this time being the other woman (perhaps because I believe I may be in his life in the future). Many things have happened in the later half of this year that just keep fueling me towards a positive way of living, and I want to keep feeling this sense of peace, accomplishment and pride.
Arguing with someone I love is not a way to continue feeling like that. Making smarter choices for my life will be.