So Many Fluttering Butterflies

I am starting to wonder:

  1.  Is it a full moon or some other celestial occurrence this week?
  2. Is there speed in my coffee?
  3. What the hell is going on with my body?
  4. How f*cked am I that I feel like I do?

Ever since Monday I have been out of my mind with desire.  Lucky for Bennett, he is the object of my affection.  What I find so unusual about this is the fact that I have my period this week and I never, ever feel like this during a period week.

My periods, frankly speaking, are crappy.  Very heavy for 2-3 days and while they used to last 4 days max on the nose, now they seem to drag on for 6.  Makes me nuts and I feel pretty gross for at least 3 days constantly in the bathroom every hour to change.

Generally speaking I can map my desire to the peak of my ovulation.  I have this nifty little app called Clue which I track my period.  I would say Clue is accurate at least 90% of the time.  It will tell me when ovulation starts, ends, and peaks.  It predicts when my period will start.  The more information you add the smarter the app becomes, so I am sure to add days I feel particularly sensitive, notice discharge, or get very horny.

So my handy-dandy app certainly isn’t predicting uncontrollable horniness this time of month, but would normally let me know to expect cramps and crankiness.

Ok, so the cramps came as predicted, along with some headaches as usual.  A little crankiness.  But the sexual drive I have this week is absolutely unheard of….  I am out of my mind.

Bennett and I are due to spend an overnight together this Thursday, and then next week we will be together every day and night from Wednesday through Sunday.  This is creating an immense excitement within, generating butterflies for the amount of time I am getting, but I still don’t know where the crazy desire is coming from.

I can hear Bennett’s voice and I get a thrill through me.  It’s that simple.

I can’t wait til I see him tomorrow night and I plan to dress drop dead sexy in a black, low-cut sleeveless dress, black tight and the hottest pair of red suede Loubou’s you have ever seen.  I feel like sexy is dripping from every pore of my body.

The Clue app also gives me a “blue-star” day, which indicates the height of ovulation, but I use it to gauge the height of sexual desire because it always correlates for me!  I have explained the app to Bennett and he likes to track the blue star days and be sure he plans his time around them!  It’s a win-win for me.  The entire time we are together next week are marked blue on the Clue calendar, so it’s sure to be a good time sexually.

Coming off of all this excitement and desire, I promised myself to consider making decisions regarding Bennett as I assume he won’t be talking to his wife…..if I stay, I will be prohibiting myself to complain about the situation.  If I go, I am going to have to have the strength to say goodbye, put the counter (like ASV) on this damn blog, and stick to some form of no-contact.    We clearly know my conundrum is that I am happy with Bennett, I have few struggles and I see him as a long-term partner, so I don’t pretend any path I take is an easy one.

Today, though, today I am freaking wound up and want to have sex in  the worst way.  I have a dinner with my new boss tonight and we are both big drinkers, so at least there will be some fun.  Then tomorrow I am with Bennett for a fantastic dinner and an overnight to satisfy all this desire.

I wish I knew what’s making me so crazy because it’s unprecedented!



Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

7 thoughts on “So Many Fluttering Butterflies”

  1. I have to add… I’ve loved reading your (mostly) enthusiastic posts lately. I can feel the joy in your words!… but I can also feel the apprehension when you allow it into your writing. My great hope is that Bennett makes the choice that can make you both happy….


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s