Jealousy, Selfishness or Something Else?

Friday night was fun.  I had a long dinner with an old friend and advisor and some great conversation.  She’s one of those people who I admire so deeply that I hang on her every thought.  Amazingly, to me, she said the same about me in a text this morning.  Women supporting women is a fantastic thing to be a part of.

Bennett sent a text after his dinner to let me know he was finished and I replied soon after that we were heading out also. I asked him if he would be awake when I got home and his reply was “yes.”

I was pretty frisky when I returned home and we were chatting a bit by text and he told me how much he wished he was with me when I was so frisky.  I teased a little back and forth and then sent him a sexy little photo or three as I was changing for bed.  Before I sent the photos I asked him if it was ok.

He told me how beautiful I was and then suddenly the conversation halted.

Where did he go?

Here’s how the conversation went, though you can’t see the time stamps. Previous texts were mostly immediate back and forth, then suddenly there were long stops between text:




So that was he extent of it.  I didn’t want to talk about it because I promised myself not to start arguments with him over his marriage when I am choosing to stay in this relationship.  Being here with him is my choice.

But it doesn’t change the fact it sucks once in a while.

And I don’t know how to manage these feelings.  Is this jealousy still?  Or is this selfishness? Or something else entirely?

While I know my feelings are valid, I am committed to getting through the next few weeks without making any waves over his marriage.  I could see where my emotions were heading and it would cause fruitless frustration.

But something cracked with this. I felt the fissure deep inside. I can feel I’m starting to prepare to make changes if necessary.  I didn’t cry.  I just felt resolved.

That’s a new feeling.

When I woke the next morning, I didn’t feel badly, the feeling was in the moment and hadn’t lasted long.  Bennett called and we spoke for a long time and didn’t much address it other than to acknowledge he shouldn’t’ have said “yes, send photos” or continued to chat when he really couldn’t.

We didn’t speak much on Saturday as my friend was over and we had dinner and went to a costume party.   On Sunday morning when we recapped our evening to one another, I got the same twinge of something when he describes hanging out with the other families in the hotel for the parents weekend.  I definitely don’t have a feeling like I should be there with him, I think I must just be upset over the fact that he behaves like the married couple they are (duh).   It just gets me to the point of believing he won’t be doing anything about it any time soon.

I don’t feel any anger, or grief.  Just acceptance this time because I know I am the only one to blame for getting involved with a married man again when I said I wouldn’t.

We have quite a bit of time together over the next two weeks, more than usual….and I am curious how this will play out for me.  In my head I am getting close to the end if he doesn’t hold to his comment about changing something within a few weeks.  I have some imaginary line ahead, although I don’t really know where it is, I can feel its up there.

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

22 thoughts on “Jealousy, Selfishness or Something Else?”

  1. From my perspective, you are telling us you aren’t going to say “anything” about the situation or giving him a hard time, yet the demands and complaints are so clear in your texts…. how do you reconcile that in your head?

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  2. His definition of a “few weeks” and yours may differ greatly though. You want what you want and I get that, but he’s married. It’s not like he can snap his fingers and be divorced tomorrow. I know you realize this M. I want nothing but the best for you. ❤ XO

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    1. Agreed. The few weeks only refers to him speaking to his wife and not having to lie about his time with me. I understand that may be impossible for him to do and I either have to reconcile that and accept it or let go. I can’t cajole him into making a change.

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  3. WordPress ate my comment I think – the one thing that I wanted to ask you about…you said that you were keeping your mouth shut about his situation, however your criticism and demands come through so loud and clear from your texts to him… can you see that, and how do you reconcile that?

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    1. You are right but I sent them without thought, too fast. I have to try and stop that and that’s proving very hard. It takes a lot of thought to not hit him with zingers.

      That’s not Bennett -that’s my bad behavior that I shouldn’t do with anyone and one of my worst traits.

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  4. It’s definitely jealousy. I recognize it because minus the marriage, (he was in a committed relationship). His relationship did end. And now we are together. Just hang in there, I am a pro for hanging in there so I can tell you to draw a line but I wouldn’t know how to practice what I preach.

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      1. I was very jealous of his ex because he chose her over me, he found out he made the wrong choice… But you know. In your case it’s the time and being the secret. That hurt a lot with my last relationship. I felt like the dirty secret.

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