While I love to write, I don’t find that I can write much unless I have a very specific thought to address. I admire those of you who can write fiction and poetry, or talk about generalized subjects. I question the validity of real writing skills when all I can actually do is write about myself. A friend showed me a great quote the other night “Write drunk, edit sober.” Maybe I need to take that advice because I certainly drink enough and have some crazy thoughts coming to me!
I learned something about myself this week, which is always nice when the lesson is enlightening and not painful, as many of mine tend to be.
When I realized I had upset Bennett earlier in the week, I made a vow to myself to try and assess what feelings or actions arise that cause me angst, and then turn into something more, seemingly frustration, over an unidentifiable thing. If I am going to stay with Bennett for the time being, I needed to take a better look at what was eating at me.
As I mentioned before, I can’t control his actions, but I can control mine.
So as the week wore on and our communication resumed to it’s normal pace, I began to realize one of the underlying things that eats at me and it’s the same thing that ultimately bugged me about being in an affair before: the times were communication is not free and easy because he is otherwise engaged.
So I sat with this for a while and took a good look at what it really went and why it bends me out of shape.
I speak to Bennett every day just about all day. I would say most days don’t go with much more than 2 hours between communication, either by text or phone. I’m totally spoiled by his communication style.
Not only does he communicate frequently, he communicates pretty clearly. Tells me where he is, what he’s doing, etc. Talks about who he speaks to during a day and so on. I feel pretty engaged in his world. We talk about work and the kids (his and mine). If he’s at his sons baseball game, he tells me the score and how his son is playing. He checks in on my kids activities or whatever I have communicated to him. If I tell him about going to a dinner with a friend, he checks the menu for me and we talk about what I will eat or drink (of course he always checks for oysters and prosecco!). I’m sure this might be too much communication for some of you, but it mirrors my own style and sets me at ease. I don’t think much about where he is or what he’s doing because I pretty much know.
I know when he gets home, what he eats for dinner, what his after dinner and bedtime routine are. He just tells me everything.
It finally occurred to me what bothered me so much last weekend and had started to settle in again for this weekend: my old friend jealousy.
Jelly girl is not welcome here. I don’t want her and she is pretty much a nuisance.
Now, Bennett is an admittedly jealous man and I nicked named his jealous side as Jelly Man. So when Jelly Man comes out, we try to laugh about it. I am also admittedly a jealous woman, but it really hasn’t come out in many, many years and I didn’t feel it so much while dating last year. I think that when Bennett gets a little jealous, I tease back, so it sounds like I might be jealous too, but I’m really not. Due to my teasing, he nick named my jealous side as JGirl. Yea, I know, we are ridiculous.
Last week Bennett was at a high school reunion and I think I was a bit jealous of all the time he was able to spend with his friends. He met them on a Friday morning for golf, spent two nights in a hotel, and came home early Sunday. Of course, he was in constant contact with me throughout both days and nights….perhaps less than usual, but still in contact. I think he thought I was jealous that there were women there he may be attracted to, and yes, I probably insinuated that on some level, but not with any sincerity.
But I really couldn’t put my finger on that last week. It has actually remained cloudy to me until the feelings started to arise this weekend, again, and I began to question what was driving them.
This weekend Bennett is off to his daughters college for family weekend with his wife and some other family members and friends. Of course he will be sharing a room with his wife. Yes, that freaks me out on some level, but I know that’s not the real problem because I lived through that with Bobby while knowing Bobby was still having relations with his wife.
This time I took a breather and tried to analyze what I was truly feeling and causing my discontent. I realize that any significant time that Bennett gives to others tends to irk me. Now, it doesn’t mean I don’t get enough time with Bennett, but I think it means I feel like I could have more if he wasn’t in the situation he was in.
For instance, after he had his college reunion or visited his daughter, in a traditional relationship he would be free to come visit me on the Sunday of his return.
It’s always worse when I don’t have my kids for the weekend and I have free time. So, last night when I came home to an empty house and I couldn’t see Bennett, it irked me. I spoke to him via text or phone almost the entire evening, so it’s not about being disconnected (like I was with Bobby for the most part when he was home), it’s about physical time.
The thing is….do I want more time, well, of course. But, is it just about wanting the time I can’t have BECACAUSE I can’t have it ?? – I think that’s the problem here.
I was perfectly fine last night at home washing my hair, eating a late dinner and catching up on a series with an early bed time to be well-rested for important meetings this morning. I could have seen Bennett, but it was wiser not to. It’s just that he couldn’t.
Bennett was with me overnight the Thursday before his two day reunion outing and then for lunch with me the following Monday. I could have seen Bennett on that Sunday he came home early, but I had meals to cook and the kids with me. Again, it was wiser not to see him. It’s just that he couldn’t.
This weekend, while he is away I have every day and night planned with fun events with friends, including a very cool costume party. By Sunday I will be hung-over, have to make meals for the week and need a rest. I could see Bennett, but he couldn’t.
I think I found my theme.
I’m getting upset that he can’t or doesn’t offer me every minute of his free time. I might consider giving him a lot of my extra minutes…which is totally unfair to bench him against. What I would choose to do with my free time is my decision in any situation, and should/would have no bearing on a partners choice to spend their free time….unless they were not giving me enough.
Bennett does give me a whole hell of a lot of attention and a decent balance of time. He has already made plans for lunch dates and an overnight this week coming as well as the following. I don’t have so much free time on my hands that I’m bored or without things to do.
I am penalizing him for something he’s not doing because of some weird idea I have gotten into my head.
An entirely irrational thought in fact.
I know this is all related to the Underlying frustration of him being married. But seriously, this man called me from the college campus to let me know they are in a two bedroom suite and he’s so thrilled to be sleeping in the other room. Ok, one can argue that’s not true because how would I know. Fine, be dissenters. I believe him.
His wife took his daughter shopping and I got the blow by blow of the dresses she’s trying on. He spoke to me the entire time. I was the one to exit the conversation, it’s really not about his lack of communication or connection to me.
I was glad I realized my irrational thoughts before they get out of hand.
Friday night and I was meeting an old friend for a lovely night out. Bennett was out with his family to dinner andwe didn’t expect to connect until later in the evening.
I felt pretty good heading out. I felt like I had my head in the right place about Bennetts weekendaway with his wife at his daughters college.
Or, so I thought.