Self Awareness

There was so much of confusion and pain from Bobby, that I felt a rush of “oh, spare me from that suffering, again.” But, now I feel that this  relationship means something different to me, it feels like it is happening for a new and totally different reason, at this time in my life.  I have said it a few times, but it’s worth repeating, Bennett brings me peace.  A calm sense of well-being.  As cliche as it sounds, he completes something within me.  This completion is something I have been longing for and felt was lost to me.  I began to believe that such a wonderful love was never to be found and I was beginning to accept this reality.

Maybe a good way to look at it, is to see how I take care of myself or how I think about myself, through it. Rather than try to figure him out (as I did with Bobby), this could be a new time to pay attention to me.

Like how I  trust myself.  I have  shared a lot of good reasons how he is different and the feelings he brings to me – sincere attention, care, and compassion. Those are great qualities. So maybe this is an opportunity to tune in to my deeper feelings. If something feels off, I need to try to decide if I am simply nervous because I’m afraid to make another mistake, or if something really feels off. I need to build trust with my own inner voice. What is the saying? “If you don’t hear, you feel.” I need to trust that I know what is best for my happiness. I am the only one who does.

Bennett brings me happiness.  He is the first man to meet any of my children and the first man I have called a boyfriend out loud to my x.  I know this is dangerous, but there comes a time when your children need to understand that you have a life beyond them and I have waited two and a half years before introducing this to them.  Bennett is the first man that I could see being part of my family….I NEVER saw that with any other man I have met since my separation.

Of course there are a million opinions and tons of back-up why affairs never work out.  But beyond assuming that we ultimately end up together, there is the short-term result that I am happy and fulfilled to a great extent and this is bringing me a sure sense of well-being.  I need to focus on this short-term piece in order to remain calm and reduce any frustration around the situation.

I think that worrying about whether the other person was happy or not is what happened with Bobby. It was emotionally draining, and certainly didn’t create a happy ending for me. So bringing the focus back on to myself might be a wise choice. That perspective can allow me to no longer look to fix, change, or save anyone, nor restore their faith in relationships. I am more aware of what I am needing in my relationships. My focus returns to me and my heart and my life and my needs. Not in a selfish way, but in a self-aware way.

I am taking responsibility for this new relationship, in a good way. If I take the time to re-evaluate previous relationships, understand my new standards that I have for myself and my relationships, and claim my right to own happiness – I believe I will become a happy, more whole and joyful person.

I could go on and on about how I feel about Bennett and all the reasons why I see him as a long-term possibility but nothing is relevant until there is true opportunity which means freedom from his current situation.   I can’t control his struggle.   These are decisions he needs to make for himself.  If he loves me the way he says he does, things will change in time.  Maybe a break is required, maybe not.  I have to relinquish any attempt at controlling the situation and solely focus on my needs.

I am trying to talk myself out of a relationship with Bennett because he is married.  Otherwise, he continually fulfills my needs and tries to consistently improve our relationship in any way possible.  I have never experienced anything/anyone like this before.  His entire aim is to please me simply because he loves me.  As some bloggers correctly pointed out, I have probably taken advantage of this in some ways.  Not that I don’t return his attention and affection in spades, but I can actually be a better human to him

Those are the most concrete thoughts I have around this relationship.  Food for thought. Exploring these things, without judgment,  expanding my thinking and finding new self empowerment and peace, while pondering the situation from many different angles.  I am not so foolish to realize that extracting myself from this relationship will hurt, but it will not break me this time.  Maybe that only happens once in life…maybe I needed to be so broken to understand how I cannot allow that to happen again.

Then again, maybe I am thing I have too much control over my own heart.

All I can say is that this is different is so many ways than before.  My gut has refused to weigh in on the matter because its satiated.  My heart is happy.  It’s my head trying to control everything that keeps yelping.  And, it’s not wrong, I get it.

But, really, there is no other way to protect myself from heartbreak at this point.  I will get hurt if Bennett doesn’t choose our relationship.  I just refuse to make all the same mistakes I made the first time.


Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

15 thoughts on “Self Awareness”

    1. I didn’t think so wither, but they came home inadvertently when they shouldn’t have thanks to their father. There was no way around it. So not only did the kids need to meet him but I needed to explain to their father I had a boyfriend. Not ideal.

      But married or not, I wouldn’t be introducing my children to anyone randomly and never have. In order for my children to meet someone my criteria was that there would be some impact/interaction with my kids. Until that time, I don’t believe in introducing ANY boyfriends as I think it’s way too confusing for a child, IMHO.


      1. Ah, it sounded from your post like it was deliberate and that concerned me greatly. I’d suggest even though that seal has been broken they don’t meet him again until after he’s actually moved out of his house. Too risky for the kids, as you say.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Self-aware versus selfish – bravo, new perspective and term for me to contemplate myself. I am happy for you that Bennett brings forth this level of joy and peace to your life and truly hope it continues to evolve in a positive and empowering way.

    Liked by 3 people

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