Yesterday I struggled with a small conflict between Bennett and I. I do know that I don’t have great conflict resolution skills, I certainly didn’t learn them from my family growing up or from my failed marriage. I have gotten better when at work, but generally speaking, I tend to avoid all conflict as I know I don’t manage it very well.
I go from zero to sixty much too fast, without thought.
So, on Saturday night when something started to bug me, I allowed that to fester and affect my actions and communication with Bennett on Sunday.
I mad him mad. He wrote a text that said he was tired of the small conflicts we were having and when we spoke about it he said he was worried it was an indicator of something bigger. If we have conflicts over small things, what happens when there is a bigger problem to resolve?
He has a good point.
I threw my toys out of the pram, I did and boy do I hate to say I’m sorry when I do something wrong. I hate to be called out.
But here’s where the blog and my friends help me. At least, I am honest and own my behavior, I don’t sugarcoat bad behaviors in an effort to shed a better light on myself. Yesterday I wrote about the conflict as well as spoke to a few close friends and pretty much the feedback was the same….I was in the wrong and let nothing turn into something for no good reason.
And, most likely due to the underlying frustration I have regarding the fact that I am in another affair.
I knew I wasn’t feeling well in relation to the exchange early in the morning and I sought Bennett to resolve it and apologize. I knew enough to do that. But the blog comments and discourse with friends helped me to solidify exactly what I needed to say to Bennett along with the apology. I was able to meet him after work and we talked some more and set things to rights.
Bennett tried to get me to talk about what was bothering me and I was clear with him I couldn’t articulate what/why it bothered me and I knew it was minor. He tried to sing to me to smoothe things over. I realize I acted childish and I am accountable for that. He was frustrated by my behavior and just needed the space not to send his regular text and open conversation. We agreed go forward that the days shouldn’t start and end on no communication again.
The comments about taking Bennett’s adoration for granted are spot on, after I gave it some thought. I am so used to him doing anything and everything for me that I guess I suspected he should tolerate any bad behaviors as well. Bad judgement call and he doesn’t deserve it.
I have decided, firmly, for the next month to shut my trap regarding his marriage and stop getting frustrated over it. He has specifically asked me for a few weeks to determine what’s going to happen over the holidays (or not) and I need to give him this time. After that (and some time before Thanksgiving) it’s my own responsibly to stay or go. I don’t believe in crying wolf. If I stay with a married man, frankly, I don’t deserve to complain about it. Bottom line, I can leave and I need the balls to do that.
I am certain that all the comments relating to my outburst as a reflection of my frustration are pretty accurate. I made the choice to stay for now, so I need to buck up.
Questions about if or when Bennett changes his situation are fair, but I don’t have that answer and clearly he doesn’t either. I am hopeful but not entirely stupid that the wind can blow and a situation can change.
I am writing a post about how I plan to approach the next month or so in my head…how I can potentially manage my thoughts and control my behavior in order to focus on the positives of my situation rather than the negatives.
Will he leave his marriage? I don’t know, I truly don’t. I don’t even allow myself the luxury of dreaming of a future with him and I am sure that drives frustration to limit myself to a short-term plan when I see him as a potential long-term partner.
How long will I wait? I don’t know.
All I can say is that he feels right to me. He doesn’t waiver in his belief that we will be together, nor does he have me fully convinced that he is able to make a move. Only time will tell and I have chosen to accept the time with him as a blessing.