Something happened during a conversation with Bennett on Saturday night that gave me pause.
I would say it’s something like a trigger. He says something that doesn’t sit well with me and it raises negative feelings.
I wish I could articulate exactly why it bothered me or how, but it did. And it sat with me into the next day.
Worse yet, it came out in my behavior in perhaps less than what I perceived as subtle ways. Bennett noticed and immediately called me on it. I refused to talk about it.
I was stomping my foot.
I didn’t want to talk about it because it was like a mist shrouded around something intangible. I couldn’t identify what was bugging me but it was there.
I couldn’t understand the point of discussing something ambiguous with him because I believe that just leads down paths not meant to be explored. Perhaps in some way my unconscious isn’t ready to talk about whatever it is that bugging me.
Or, more likely, it really wasn’t a big enough deal to make something of it…but I can see how my response reads like a negative behavior…which isn’t good. I have done this more than once with him lately and I partially feel like I am creating something out of nothing.
The result was a disjointed conversation that perhaps picked up midstream when he started singing my favorite song (yes, my knees go weak when he does this, and he sings often but this one song is special). After the song I suppose whatever was eating at me loosened its grip enough for normal conversation to flow and he soon remarked “now I feel like you love me again.” I took pause and qualified that I love him ALL the time, even if something was bugging me. He said he was joking but I called him on it saying there was some truth in there.
I should have paused and acknowledged that he knew singing to me would make me feel calm and he is perceptive enough of my behaviors that he picked up on the nuance of my being unhappy about “something.”
We spoke normally for a bit and then I asked him something about something else that was on my mind and he gently teased, but it pushed my buttons and I abruptly ended the conversation. I heard in his voice he wasn’t happy. I slowed down and said I love you and goodnight with an appropriate tone of voice. I don’t like to ever end on a bad note, but I was clearly fussed about something.
Last night was the Walking Dead premiere (holy fucking God!) so I put down the phone during that time and looked after the show was over expecting my typical goodnight text. There was none.
I sent one with a note preceding:
“Hmmmm. I know I was upset when I hung up but no goodnight text from you is out of order. I love you, Bennett. Goodnight ❤️⚡️❤️”
The hearts and lightning are our sort of signature.
He sends a goodnight every night and every morning. Almost without fail.
But I know he withheld because I ended a phone conversation.
It just has me thinking.
Thinking more on top of thinking about whatever nugget spurred me from the night before.
Something’s bugging me and I can’t quite put my finger on it and I think it made him mad (?) that I couldn’t share it with him and then ended a conversation. I think he is retaliating. Like tit for tat.
I did behave poorly, but it’s not a license for him to behave poorly as well, is it?
It’s not sitting well with me.
You know how some puzzle pieces fall into place and you suddenly see something more clearly. Perhaps that’s why my image is still misty. I feel that I am about to have a moment of clarity about Bennett that I may not like.
I suppose we shall see what the morning brings.
I have a strong feeling things are unraveling. I don’t know why and some bad moments are normal, but something doesn’t feel right to me.
8am this morning and no good morning text. Rare.
My thoughts spiral, am I mad or upset? Is he doing it on purpose or is he simply late to work this morning? Is he mad or upset? And, over what, really?
Do I also send a good morning text?
I’m not sure what this is turning into, but it seems that because I was unwilling to discuss what had been bothering me and also because I ended a conversation abruptly that I am being penalized but not receiving my goodnight and good mornings.
Maybe that’s not what it is.
If he is upset with me, withholding my favorite things isn’t good behavior.
Truth be told, I feel a bit sick waiting on him this morning, like I know something is about to happen.
By 9am, still with no Good Morning text, Bennett sends a message full of frustration that he is growing tired of the small conflicts we have been having lately because he feels they are over minor things.
My stomach turned when I read the message and I didn’t know how to reply.
I now knew he was frustrated and withheld his good night and good morning.
I called him when I arrived to the office, again unusual as he always calls me, and we spoke about it. While he said his love for me isn’t any less, he is concerned that we seems to have a behavior between us of these “triggers” that set us both off in the wrong direction.
He’s not wrong in saying that, but I don’t know how we fix this.
I wonder how much of this is created from my mind being more frustrated with the situation that I allow myself to properly think about.
I don’t have good conflict resolution skills and I am unsure that he does either as it seems his marriage is quite sedate. I didn’t find myself frustrated with Bobby the way I seem to get with Bennett over minor things.
I still can’t get over the feeling of unraveling, like things coming apart at the seams, though there is no true indication of that.
I’m left with a feeling of immaturity, and not on Bennett’s behalf but on mine. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach is fear that I have done something wrong, maybe unforgivable, and he will leave me. That’s utterly ridiculous. I know how he loves me, so why I am acting like this?
Maybe I feel sick because I realize I am acting immaturely and I don’t know how to fix this behavior exactly. I need to grow up and I’m not so sure how to do this.
I need to explore what triggered me and why on Saturday night, and then why I allowed it to continue into Sunday. Why was I acting like something is a big deal when it isn’t? Why am I needling? And what am I so scared of …. him leaving me? Yes, sure. But, why?
Does this all go back to “I’m not good enough?”