Thursday night Bennett and I planned to leave the city together after work, have an early dinner out and then spend the rest of the evening in my bed. I found myself getting butterflies during the day as I thought about him, which is sweet after almost 4 months. I like that I am still so excited by the thought of being with him.
One thing I love about being with Bennett is the immense focus he has one me. Everything is about my comfort or pleasure. Do I have the right drink, is my seat comfortable, what would I like to eat, how does it taste, do I need water and on and on. I know some people don’t like that, but I do. I feel cared for. I know how closely he pays attention to me. And I feel how much he loves me and wants to do for me.
We had a lovely ride home together, chatting about our busy days. He has a particular restaurant that we have been to once before that he likes to think of as “our spot” so we went there for dinner and were seated at a table next to the fireplace. The evening was cozy and easy. There is always so much to talk about and share with Bennett.
Bennett has an unusual memory. He can recall dates and events down to very specific details. If you asked him where he was on August 3, 1980, he would be able to recall exactly what he was doing. It’s truly uncanny. I have never met a person with a memory like this. He can walk through every single moment since we met and describe in detail the time, date, place, scene, and even my clothes or some random event that went on around us. There’s little use debating with his memory as he truly doesn’t forget.He likes to tell our love story over and over and reminisce about the small details of each event. It’s very endearing.
When we arrived home we showered together after a long day. It’s one of his favorite things to do, he had never taken a shower with a woman until me. As we were playing around in the shower he became very frisky, and then suddenly, wasn’t. I know him well enough to know that something crossed his mind and he would be unable to get it out of his head until we spoke about it. I also knew he had taken a little blue pill so his anxiety must really be full tilt. We crawled into bed to snuggle and I asked what was wrong.
I wasn’t expecting what came next, he started to talk about how out of sorts he had been since our conversation the week before and it was giving him some anxiety. He felt that I was rejecting him by saying we had no future together because I don’t truly know what action he will take and when and he believes we will be together. He say it feels like a rejection to him that I don’t want to acknowledge the possibility and talk about our future. He spoke for a long while and I listened. I didn’t engage other than acknowledgement because I had my soap box last week and promised myself I wasn’t going to be saying anything more until it was time for action. He did ask a few times why I wasn’t saying anything and I replied that I had already told him everything I had to tell him in relation to this subject, I had said all I needed to say. He was very emotional when he asked “what’s going to happen to us.” I replied, softly, that I didn’t think anything was going to happen with us and that our time was coming to a close as I didn’t believe he was leaving his marriage. I reinstated the same phrase I used last week and nothing further.
He was very upset. He lie with me held tightly and thought for a long while.
He asked again what he needed to do to ensure I was still around over the holidays and beyond. I asked him to start the conversation with his wife. Beyond that, I didn’t want to be any more specific. He feels he needs to tell his wife about me and I feel terribly unsure about that.
So much for our early evening of lovemaking.
Bennett needed the time to talk. He processes things differently and more slowly than I do. He is an amazing listener and admittedly has trouble sharing his feelings. He tells me he has never had an outlet or an empathetic ear before and doesn’t like to burden anyone with his problems. I don’t mind listening to his thought process.
He told me at the end he will never leave me, never let me go and he was going to resolve something within the next few weeks. He asked for my patience for a few weeks longer. As you know, this sort of fits into my own timeline that I would give him some time to process what I had said last week before taking any action.
I hope I remain committed to my internal deadline around mid-November.
Once the conversation heaviness was over, I grabbed a few bottles of my favorite bubbles and we relaxed in my bed finishing the conversation and drinking and canoodling. Eventually, the emotional tension turned into sexual tension and we still had many hours of fun ahead. Bennett is a perfect match for me in bed and, although he has performance anxiety, once he’s over it, he can go all night to meet my mostly insatiable demands.
This conversation didn’t change how I felt. I was pleased Bennett was able to get to a place where he could talk to me about his fears. I do feel like we were meant for one another, but not at the expense of having an honest relationship. I do realize I can’t do it much longer.
I wrote to Ann and said “we shall see.” Until then, I maintain my shroud of silence to Bennett around the subject, there will be no nagging.
Life is ok, I feel at ease and peace, and time will tell us what needs to happen between us.