N: a situation from which extrication is very difficult; : a situation that is hard to deal with or get out of : a situation that is full of problems; predicament
After a tough start Monday morning for both Bennett and I, we decided to meet in the late afternoon for a brief chat.
When I saw him from across the street my heart leapt with happiness and he nearly got hit by a car trying to reach me as fast as possible. As our lips met and as we held one another in an embrace, we both breathed a sigh of relief.
Neither of do very well with the idea that our relationship is a quagmire.
He was quite ardent and insisted I look directly and deeply into his eyes to tell me how he can no longer live without me and how sick he felt throughout the day. He also said he really had no idea how deep his love was for me, or how he was willing to do something about it until I had said our timelines don’t meet.
While I heard what he said, and clearly saw the depth of his emotion towards me, I also heard what he didn’t say. He can’t say what he will do or when. But he did say he will, for sure.
So the onus is on him to get his act together, but where does my responsibility lie. I don’t really want to be without him. I really don’t want to be with him in an affair either. I know getting through holidays like this will be nearly insurmountable and I don’t see how I can manage it.
Many of the comments on my blog have been very helpful as I flail back and forth in the wind and debate this situation in my own head. I like to hear your theories and comments even though you all know I will stubbornly proceed in my own time and way! Perhaps the biggest difference is I now own my actions, for better or worse.
One thing I am certain of, I am not going to nag or push. What he chooses to do and when is his decision, just like what I choose to do and when is mine. Our timelines were now made more clear to one another, so I don’t think there is some massive surprise ahead. I don’t foresee him talking to his wife before the holidays. While I would have managed through Thanksgiving and Christmas, it was New Years that I was frankly the most concerned about. I wasn’t focused on Bennett folding into my family for Christmas because I spent the first two separated Christmases with my x and I understand sometimes it just has to be that way for your kids.
Bennett has an issue with being with me for the “last time.” He doesn’t like the concept of “one last time.” This was a clear indicator for me that I need to stop talking about it at all, my decision (if any) will happen when it happens and I won’t build up to it. Since I am unclear about what I can or can’t do moving forward, I need to zip it for now and clear it up in my own had. Talking to him about it isn’t helping, the man has too much of his own crap on his plate.
While thinking it over, I do realize that I don’t feel the desperation I felt with Bobby to stay tied to Bennett. I just feel like its going to work itself out, sooner or later. I have to begin to think about what really bothers me about having Bennett in my life – is it about being #1? Is it about lying? Trust? What are the real triggers for me? I need to resolve this in my head, and I don’t have a good handle on this at all. The lying and sneaking around is a big one this time around, I just don’t want to be in this again and hate it here. I can only ignore that so much. Maybe they are all tied together.
I’m writing just to work through where my head is at.
And, unlike last time around, it’s not debilitating me. That’s the curious part. Is that because I have experience now and the path is familiar? Or is it because I feel a sense of safety with him?
Or is it because my priorities in life has taken control and I have to focus on my life first….last year I was bored with life and gave all my attention to Bobby. I am able to focus away from Bennett when necessary and maybe that’s because I know he will be there, waiting.
So many things to think about.