Quagmire

N: a situation from which extrication is very difficult; : a situation that is hard to deal with or get out of : a situation that is full of problems; predicament

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After a tough start Monday morning for both Bennett and I, we decided to meet in the late afternoon for a brief chat.

When I saw him from across the street my heart leapt with happiness and he nearly got hit by a car trying to reach me as fast as possible.  As our lips met and as we held one another in an embrace, we both breathed a sigh of relief.

Neither of do very well with the idea that our relationship is a quagmire.

He was quite ardent and insisted I look directly and deeply into his eyes to tell me how he can no longer live without me and how sick he felt throughout the day.  He also said he really had no idea how deep his love was for me, or how he was willing to do something about it until I had said our timelines don’t meet.

While I heard what he said, and clearly saw the depth of his emotion towards me, I also heard what he didn’t say.  He can’t say what he will do or when.  But he did say he will, for sure.

So the onus is on him to get his act together, but where does my responsibility lie.  I don’t really want to be without him.  I really don’t want to be with him in an affair either.  I know getting through holidays like this will be nearly insurmountable and I don’t see how I can manage it.

Many of the comments on my blog have been very helpful as I flail back and forth in the wind and debate this situation in my own head.  I like to hear your theories and comments even though you all know I will stubbornly proceed in my own time and way!  Perhaps the biggest difference is I now own my actions, for better or worse.

One thing I am certain of, I am not going to nag or push.  What he chooses to do and when is his decision, just like what I choose to do and when is mine.  Our timelines were now made more clear to one another, so I don’t think there is some massive surprise ahead.  I don’t foresee him talking to his wife before the holidays.  While I would have managed through Thanksgiving and Christmas, it was New Years that I was frankly the most concerned about.  I wasn’t focused on Bennett folding into my family for Christmas because I spent the first two separated Christmases with my x and I understand sometimes it just has to be that way for your kids.

Bennett has an issue with being with me for the “last time.”  He doesn’t like the concept of “one last time.” This was a clear indicator for me that I need to stop talking about it at all, my decision (if any) will happen when it happens and I won’t build up to it.  Since I am unclear about what I can or can’t do moving forward, I need to zip it for now and clear it up in my own had.  Talking to him about it isn’t helping, the man has too much of his own crap on his plate.

While thinking it over, I do realize that I don’t feel the desperation I felt with Bobby to stay tied to Bennett.  I just feel like its going to work itself out, sooner or later.   I have to begin to think about what really bothers me about having Bennett in my life –  is it about being #1?  Is it about lying?  Trust?  What are the real triggers for me?  I need to resolve this in my head, and I don’t have a good handle on this at all.  The lying and sneaking around is a big one this time around, I just don’t want to be in this again and hate it here.  I can only ignore that so much.  Maybe they are all tied together.

I’m writing just to work through where my head is at.

And, unlike last time around, it’s not debilitating me.  That’s the curious part.  Is that because I have experience now and the path is familiar?  Or is it because I feel a sense of safety with him?

Or is it because my priorities in life has taken control and I have to focus on my life first….last year I was bored with life and gave all my attention to Bobby.  I am able to focus away from Bennett when necessary and maybe that’s because I know he will be there, waiting.

So many things to think about.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

11 thoughts on “Quagmire”

    1. I think I see my situation clearly and fully understand why someone guides me to get out of it. I don’t think anyone is incorrect to give me this advice and I expect my friends to state what is good for me rather than what is kind or perhaps what I would like to hear.

      This situation is crap, I know it. There is no real way for it to end well unless it starts up some time in the future, after he is out of his marriage. I don’t think staying now is the answer, but that doesn’t mean I will take the action to end it.

      Unfortunately, I see the situation pretty clearly and my heart is tied to his.

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  1. Only you know what you are or are not comfortable with doing or not doing.

    For me, I am just at the point where someone is either all in with me, or they aren’t. Yeah it can be pretty lonely. But in some ways being lonely beats the longing.

    For me, it’s just energy and emotion wasted if the person doesn’t show that I am a FY for them.

    People will always know where they stand with me. If they are a FY or not, it’ll be pretty clear and I might even just say so right off (sorry, it’s the New Yorker in me). I’m tired of wasting my time and theirs.

    I don’t know why I’m rambling so much.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. So you’re not going to nag (bring up his marriage). What happens when you’ve had enough, just walk away? Does he have a chance, at that time, to “do the right thing”? How long does he get? I think he needs to know when you are getting to the point that you need more. HUGS!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No answer here, but good call out and something I need to think about.

      I am sure I would give him opportunity to do the right thing by me.

      I think he knows I am pretty much at that point. Now it’s up to me to put action behind my words…otherwise it makes no sense to me to continue to complain.

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  3. I like the word quagmire. Well you know what you need to do an only you can decide when to do it.

    If he is meant to be yours he will come around when he dissolves his marriage. I just hope there isn’t so much heartbreak for you between now and then that the idea of him finally coming to you as a single man isn’t written off completely

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  4. Look, would living without him be any easier throughout the holidays?

    My advice, take it for what it’s worth, give him until Easter. It’s easier to move in the Spring, and Holidays are really hard, you know this. Ask him to be out of town on business new years. It’s OK to make him make you a priority. Speak clearly, let him know this will be the one and only time you are discussing this, the rest is up to you. If nothing has changed at all by Valentines day you know it’s time to let go because you can’t wait forever and you can slowly ween yourself and prepare for heartbreak… But honestly, I don’t think you will have to.

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    1. I’ve been thinking about what difference it would make to wait/not wait other than just being stubborn about not dealing with a married man through the holidays. You are right, I can ask him to make me a priority in other ways that he should work to figure out if this indeed is going to happen.

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