So, I Told Him

What?  What could I really say?

I said I needed him to start the conversation with his wife because I continue to be frustrated intermittently.

What else can I say?

I am also hedging on the point of actually breaking it off with him….why do I have to do that if I feel happiness almost continually?  This frustration I experienced yesterday is relatively rare.   I don’t like feeling it.  It’s so much better to just live in the moment.

Today he told me that I was terse, but he clearly understood what I needed and why.  It didn’t hold much water because he still had no plan.  I felt better for getting it off my chest.  When I saw him for lunch today I was happy and comfortable with no sense of lingering regret that there is no clear action.

I flip flop from one thought to the other, nothing really remains concrete except the solid feeling that I love him, immensely.  And if that’s the case, I need to be patient.

Being patient feels like the right choice for me.  I don’t feel any sense of urgency to change things.  Sometimes I also wonder why I think that…do I not want to disrupt my life enough to have someone be constantly part of it?  Do I like having the ability (if I chose to take it) to do whatever I want with no repercussion?  Part of me thinks there’s some ulterior motive within me that I haven’t quite yet uncovered.

I don’t like nagging him and it just feels off to me.  I have chosen to believe him and I should stand behind my own choices and shut up about it already.



Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

17 thoughts on “So, I Told Him”

  1. I still can’t believe you’re doing this again. But recently I had a married man heavily flirting with me and I started to understand how confusing it can be. I feel that if you continue to date this guy in a clandestine affair context, you will just be drawn further and further into your emotional dependence on the relationship, and if he never changes his situation, you may actually end up with a bigger heartbreak than Bobby, if that is even possible. I think you need to realize that words from men are not anything to be relied on. Men will say anything in the moment and then later claim “I was just being romantic” or “that’s what I felt then” with no compunction. The only thing that means anything with men is action. If you keep seeing him, you give him the message that he can stay with his wife and have you on the side without consequences. If you stop seeing him, you provide him with a real incentive to leave his wife if he has it in him to do so, and you make him respect your needs.
    I do think that you are chasing unavailable men because of a secret fear of a real relationship. A real relationship has its mundanities, compromises, disappointments. Everything within the affair context is intensity, excitement and fantasy. Yet is this what you really want for your future? Celebrating holidays alone while the man you love is with his wife? Becoming so emotionally devastated that you cease to be able to relate to your kids? I know you hate to hear these things. But maybe I’m just mirroring some part of you that feels them. I just want to see you relating to men in a way that is healthy and supportive for you. I want the same thing for me lol 😉

    Liked by 9 people

    1. I think you made a good point, even if you have the genders reversed.

      Ignore what they say, and pay very close attention to what they do.

      We all get tied up in what we are being told because we want to believe things. But it often times blinds us to what is happening right in front of our eyes.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Sorry it took so long to reply but you usually write such thought-provoking statements that I want to think about the appropriate answers!

      I do wonder about the daily relationship and if there is some hidden reason I don’t work harder to get one instead of the excitement of the affair. Perhaps some of it that the men who are most attentive are the married ones and I crave attention.

      I do love Bennett differently and I am willing to wait, but I don’t think I can wait much longer. His life is such a mess that he has a long road ahead of him and I don’t think I can do it with him, as much as that saddens me.

      Perhaps he will say this is how he felt “in the moment” I don’t know, I can only hope not and that he is truthful with me.

      Either way it seems I am cerebrating the holidays alone. But I am in a much better place than last year and much stronger, even if my heart breaks.

      I always appreciate your comments even if they are tough 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Let me preface my comment by saying it’s a damn good thing I am not running for president, lest I be accused of condoning extra-marital stuffs and such as! Haha!

    I both envy you this delicious illicitness and I worry about you a little, too. I’m extremely open-minded and non-judgmental, subscribing to a “live and let live” value system when it comes to everyone negotiating their own personal lives.

    So, my two cents is this: kids come first, so as long as they are safe and healthy, than do what makes you safe, happy, and healthy, too.

    Sometimes these types of relationships work when two people have full, independent lives. Again, as long as no one is getting hurt.

    If you both are talking about him ending his marriage and making it permanent with you, you have to remember the enormous cost this be to him as well as you. Is this relationship strong enough to make it through the tough times you will both go through? Or is there really just an unacknowledged ending down the line?

    Figure out what you want, where you see yourself in the next few years. Just minimize the negatives because your emotional well-being is so much more valuable than exposing yourself to heartache. If it isn’t working for you, time to make some decisions, set some boundaries, and I dare say even set some deadlines.

    Only you and he can know what is truly best for you both. I wish you all the best, lady. You’re clearly a bright individual, so you make sure you take of yourself, please! Hugs!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I think in time you will learn if there is some ulterior motive you have for not pushing for more right now…but my opinion is that you just enjoy (for the most part) how things are right now and the urge for more just isn’t strong. Yet. It doesn’t sound like you are being put on a back burner or stood up so that he can prioritize his wife etc…which is what drives most mistresses mad in time. He sounds quite devoted and why look to change it right now.

    You’ve let him know how you feel without being too demanding and he understands your needs. Just don’t nag or start throwing out threats to leave that you won’t back up…don’t threaten to end it until you are sure you can. Right now you have stated your need but you’re prepared to deal with what he can give you until your need becomes too strong and becomes a priority. There is no sense beating him over the head with it. He knows you will need to see movement on his part at some point and you get to decide when that is (we all know it’s not right now…it’s still too enjoyable).

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I had actually decided in my own head that I would give him about a month to give me a clear timeline of what he saw go forward….but as it turned out, he was able to tell me today that it wouldn’t be before the holidays….so that’s my answer right there. I had thought about this over the weekend and was ready to commit myself to not bringing it up or nagging him again during this time, but it was clearly bothering him.

      But, I do agree there would be no sense in crying wolf

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think Pua Nani may have hit on something with your fear of the mundane in a true committed relationship. You are coming out of a long-term bad marriage, so I woukd guess part of you thinks that all LTR are like that. Plus the charge & excitement right now is addictive.

    Can you live in the moment? Can your ego handle bring #2 in his life (because no matter what he says, that’s where you rank)? Embrace your independence, enjoy what he can offer and don’t let this interfere in YOUR top priorities – new job & family. Hugs

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I do wonder about this as well, am I afraid of an everyday relationship and do I need the excitement and drama? it seems like this is what I keep getting myself into.

      I am too selfish to remain #2, this much I know.


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