Avoidance

One of the reasons I avoid writing too much about Bennett is because it starts my brain up again.

Of course I think about him being married, often.

When I am happy and satisfied, it’s easy enough to ignore.  His ability to keep me calm and show me love is well beyond anything I have ever expected to experience.  It does make me crazy that he is such a good match for me and he is already promised to someone else.

I try not to think about it and it’s had a huge impact on my desire to write.  This blog has always been about the truth of where I am with myself, and if I start writing about Bennett, I have to put the words on paper and write/read them and it simply reminds me of something I am choosing to ignore.

If I choose to feel this good the only thing I can do is ignore Bennett’s situation.

I feel strongly about not pushing him, and I refuse to nag about something so obvious.

In my head, the choice is mine.  Stay or go.  No sense in complaining in what I did to myself.

There are things that can get me down the wrong path quickly…one of them being any discussion of Facebook.  Now, I don’t actually use Facebook much anymore so it doesn’t come up often, but occasionally I may go to look for someone there and – like some kind of obscene car crash – I go to his page.  Why?  What’s the point of self-inflicted torture?  We are not friends on FB or IG, nor do I want to be because I would totally over analyze every single photo he has up, or that someone tags him in.  He has already told me there are many family photos up from the past years.  I don’t want to see them, there’s no point.  But it still bugs me that there is that clear piece of evidence that he’s married.  It jars open the nice little closed box I keep that tucked away in.

We have talked about our future.  There is nothing definitive other than we would be together.  He behaves as though the future is ours in all respects.  His conversation is already “us” and “we” and “ours” when he talks about anything.  I distinctly notice when he refers to anything related to his marriage/home he will say the singular, rather than the plural…which was something Bobby never did. He never moved into that singular mode, he was always grounded in the “we/ours” of his marriage.  I clearly recall when I moved from the plural to the singular, for me that was a big change to begin thinking of things as mine and not ours any longer.  I have no idea if this theory is valid or not, I imply recall it being obvious for me and for Bobby in those respects.

Waiting on his mother’s health feels morbid, and I suppose it is.  Last week she went into hospice, this week she is coming out.  Someone rightly pointed out that the chances of Bennett saying anything to his wife prior to the holidays is slim-to-none.  When I think of the mess this all is I do get sick to my stomach.  I just don’t like being here again.

I try not to behave as though my future is set out with him, and just accept this day-by-day.  That’s hard for me overall since I am such a planner, I have a need to know what’s up next in my life and how I am going to address it.  I like long range planning (though interestingly enough, I cannot plan long range in terms of money, never could).

I suppose today is more of putting my thoughts down on paper because the FB conversation arose this morning and it sort of set me off down the wrong path.  Yesterday I was on cloud nine, I bought a car, I love my job, the kids were good to me, and Bennett sent another bouquet of beautiful flowers to me at work with an incredibly thoughtful handwritten note.

I know I can’t continue like this if I don’t pressure these thoughts.  If I let them irradiate me and take priority, I will be unhappy.  I know it’s unrealistic, but at this point in my life, things are about as close to perfect as they could be….and I really don’t want to lose this buzz I’ve got going…being high on life at the moment.

Short-sighted?  Yes.  I know.

I seem to be convincing myself that if Bennett and I are meant to be, we will be.  If I stay with him now or not.  If he is meant to leave that marriage and come to me, he will.  And if I am available, we will move forward together.  The hope that this can happen is so strong it over-rides my common sense to say these things rarely happen.

Do I want to stay in this cocoon of foolishness?  For now, yes. Yes, I do. So, that means all those thoughts above just get shelved for the time being, until the next time something sets my gears going again.

Til then, I avoid the truth.

 

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

24 thoughts on “Avoidance”

  1. I see no problem with living in the moment … for now. But sometime, if things remain so close, you are going to have to get him to make a commitment. And have him stick to it. And I don’t think that should be far off

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s a good point. BUT if people really want something they will do what is necessary. It does require a backbone though. Does Bennett really want this? Does he have a backbone?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Speaking from painful personal experience, someone can want two things that are in direct conflict and keep both parties around for an extended period of time. Why choose one or the other when you can have both?

        Liked by 3 people

      3. Well, I don’t know about you, but we do know that M takes her very own sweet time making critical decisions like this. We may be watching the first manned mission to Mars when she takes action

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I know when I was blogging through my affair I would often just write when I was struggling..it was cathartic to just spill my guts in an online diary. But when things were good and I was ignoring the cold hard facts of being a mistress (and a cheater given I was/am married) I didn’t want to write…I loved the good times and that man and I didn’t want reality soiling my bliss in those moments. Sadly over time it gets harder and harder to live in the safety of avoidance and you will want more. I haven’t read enough about Bennett to really judge if he is “stringing you along” or if he is truly in the contemplative stage and will eventual get to the point of separation. I know how hard it can be to leave a family…(does he have kids????) And you having just lived through the separation and all that which goes with it are so very aware….but we also know that people do it and survive…coming out better off for it in the end.

    If I had my way..I would love to see you tell him good bye until he is divorced and ready to be yours….but it’s hard to do when the good feelings feel so damn good!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. We had a long discussion about it last night and he is in the contemplative stage, but we also know that can last a very long time. Complicated by the fact his mother is dying, I do understand he is immobilized at the moment.

      But you are 100% right Sassy, I don’t have as much to say about the times things are great because they are always great, but sometimes I do allow myself a little pity-party.

      At the moment, because the balance works for me, I don’t feel that I need more but you are correct in saying I want more and will continue to want more.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Then try to enjoy it for what it is right now. You always own your behavior and decisions and you know what you are doing. We all need a pity party now and then. It’s when those parties become the ongoing theme then you will know you need to make a change.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I think Marty and Sassy are right. With a big new job, you have enough to deal with. I think perhaps you are also prioritizing the big deals in your life right now. That’s smart because you need to focus on work and show your new boss why they can never live without you.

    Your day of reckoning will come – its inevitable, but it’s not now. I will caution you that the holidays will be very tough. He’ll be committed to family obligations and other such things. Be prepared and think about how to handle it. Have a plan now so when you feel neglected, you know how to address it.

    In the meantime, enjoy. This year has been a doozy for you!

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I do feel much stronger about prioritizing the right things in my life this time around.

      I don’t think I can make it through the holidays, at least not right now. Perhaps it’s me who needs to live without him for a while…..and not so much the other way around. Maybe then I can ground myself into waiting for him if that’s truly what I want.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. If I solely listened to my gut I will stay with Bennett because my gut has nothing to say….it’s entirely peaceful which is strange for me as I would have expected it to weigh in by now.

        This is between heart and head … maybe my gut will finally make an appearance when the timing is right.

        Liked by 1 person

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