Denver reached out to me last minute on Monday to let me know he was in town this week and to ask if he could see me on Tuesday.
Without thought, I agreed.
I agreed because I like him, he’s hot and I have been waiting on and off to hook up with him again…so there was very little initial thought involved in saying yes.
I went to bed after I sent him my agreement and had a whole different feeling upon waking.
I didn’t think I could do it because I knew it would upset Bennett. I didn’t want to lie. And, then I realized, I no longer really cared if I saw him or not. Also, Nichtisobel rightly pointed out that he is an unavailable as Bennett, so it was a shell game. That really sunk in for me. There was no real point to see Denver.
But yet, I procrastinated the entire day and didn’t cancel that date and chatted with him intermittently throughout the day.
Bennett surprised me for lunch on his first day back to work after two weeks medical leave and I felt guilty not telling him. That’s when I knew for sure…if it felt wrong, it was wrong. I never had that feeling with Bobby because he supported my dating since he was married and he also got a thrill from any stories I shared with him. Bennett is a jealous man by nature and knows, that while he has no right to ask me not to date, it would really kill him if I did date.
The day got away from me and I didn’t contact Denver until late, still agreeing to see him. For some reason, I was holding on to what I knew to be a bad decision.
When it finally came time to meet, he was running late and I chose to use that as my exit to cancel.
I continually wait for a man to make these decisions even when I know what the right decision was for me. That just makes me mad at myself. I am perfectly capable of being a decision maker all day long at work, but somehow I am futile when it comes to my personal life.
In any case, I didn’t see Denver and that was the last I heard from him. He said he is due back in November so if things are any different then, I could address what I want from him (or not) at that time.
It was good to see the comments on yesterdays posts as it helped remind me how to keep my relationship with Bennett in perspective. Anything I do is simply a choice, for better or worse, it’s still a choice I am making. At this point in time, I choose Bennett. I really don’t think I can make much longer, but for now, I want to do the right thing.
In one way, I am glad that my heart and gut agreed that not seeing Denver was the right thing to do. In this case, I think my head was trying to overrule those two by saying “go out and have fun, you are not tied down.” But, would I have had fun? I don’t think so, so I should have just cut him off after lunch time.
I wish I could have a better handle on the mysterious workings of my brain, but it continues to remain elusive!