The Waiting Game

Most days things with Bennett are pretty wonderful.

And then, in some moments, they are not.

I can’t say hand-on-heart that I am capable of entirely dismissing the fact that the man I am so deeply in love with is married.  I can’t.  Of course it bothers me.

I go through the same routine that any one would in this situation.  I question how a relationship built in dishonesty could last.  I question if he cheated on his wife would he cheat on me.  I question if he really means what he says and if he has the stomach to take action.  All those questions surface.

I know I am foolish for staying here with him.  I question myself….if he is the one for me and I choose to leave him now, won’t he just come back into my life later when the timing is right?  If we were truly “soul mates” wouldn’t we always be?  Perhaps leaving him is the impetus he needs to move forward.

And, if it’s not, then I have a different answer, right?

Of course, all these questions are rhetorical.  I don’t need any help thinking of the worst possible conclusions to this romance.  I try to focus on the possibility.  I try to believe Bennett.  I try.  I mostly succeed, but sometimes I fail.

I realized I had no stomach for on-line dating so I deleted the apps.  It made no sense to me to go looking for someone when I felt the way I do about Bennett.  More men (from my past) than usual have come back for one reason or the other and I have deleted them all, what’s the point?  If I didn’t hold their interest before, or they didn’t hold mine, there is no reason to engage.  I’ve probably never been as sure about doing that as I am now.  I also realize I should have learned that lesson sooner and without Bennett, but but late than never.

But I know there are a few that I might weaken for and I find that I am questioning myself.  Why would I go out with someone and potentially jeopardize my relationship with Bennett?

The two cases in point were Finnian and Denver.

Now Finnian and I can only be friends.  We have sussed through this and agreed there is nothing more.  But, knowing Bennett wouldn’t be too keen on me meeting Finn, is it worth it?  Does Finn really even matter to me that much?  The answer is no, he would be a fun night out and it would end there.  But I can live without Finn.

Denver is another story.  But I’m question myself much more in this case.  Denver and I met in January online but didn’t actually meet until late June (just before I met Bennett, actually).  I like him, but he lives far away.  We have kept in touch all this time.  He reached out this week to tell me he was back in town several times over the next month and was hoping to see me, even if it was just a drink.

And, I want to.

So….what does that mean?  Does it mean I don’t love Bennett as much as I think I do?  Does it mean that I am frustrated that he is still in his marriage, and if he stays there, he can’t expect me to not date?

Why do I want to see Denver?  It will be fun, he’s beautiful to look at but it ends there.  No legs to that relationship….so ultimately it could vaporizer my relationship with Bennett even more than a date with Finn would.

There is something about Denver beyond his physical looks.  I suppose because I have gotten to know him by talk and text the past 9 months.  He’s a nice guy.  I am interested in him.

The answer is relatively clear to me, I am playing with fire and shouldn’t see Denver at the potential cost.  But I find myself debating…and that’s sort of what bugs me.

I am the one choosing to wait for Bennett.  His mother is in hospice now and I feel that any move at this point (to question his living situation) is wrong and he won’t ultimately forgive me for it.  He has also just come through a hernia operation that kept him out of work for two weeks (that and going to see his mom).  I feel it in my gut that now is not the time.  But, as morbid as this sounds, once his mother does pass….how much more time is acceptable?  I have it in my head that there is no way I am going through the holidays with a married man, full stop.  I won’t do it.

I know my love for Bennett is different from anything I have ever experienced.  I feel like this love is long term.  But what if it’s not meant for right now?  What if I am putting us both into a situation that can’t be easily resolved and waiting for another time is better for both of us?  Lately, these have been the thoughts in my head.  I am beginning to believe that if Bennett is meant to be, he will be.  Even if that means not now.

I don’t want to be involved in a married man’s life again.  I don’t want to watch the end of his marriage involving me.  But here I am.

I’m not struggling with the love I share with Bennett, but I am struggling with being in this situation again.  I also believe that Bennett can love me more than anything and still not leave his marriage, we know this is possible.

So what’s right for me?

I have an immense peace with Bennett.  I can’t explain how this man makes me feel, but peace and calm are the closest words I can find.  I have never felt love or care like he gives to me.

He makes the time for me, he is constantly in touch with me.  He has already started helping me with anything he can contribute to ….. he now brings his tools when he comes to my home.  He doesn’t have to, I don’t ask, he just does.  If I am struggling with something, he tries to help me with it (case in point, I’m buying a new car).  I have learned I can do these things on my own and with help from friends, but he wants to help.  His first day back to work he meets me for lunch, he’s just part of the fabric of my life already.

Then, sometimes, those other thoughts (which are valid) creep to the front and confuse the sense of peace…how can I be peaceful when there is ultimately turmoil ahead?

So many questions….so many answers….but which ones are mine?

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

17 thoughts on “The Waiting Game”

  1. It’s tough, M! The thing that I try to ask myself in these situations is, how much am I happy with the way things are now, versus how much am I needing things to change in the future? For someone having an affair, you seem to have you head screwed on tight in in many ways. You know that it is largely about the romance and the sex. You don’t seem to need more day to day presence from him – its not like his married life competes with your needs for time and attention. You have yet to feel resentful of the fact this his marriage and family come first for him. You are focused on your family and your career and your healthy and are not slacking in how you invest in these areas – which is good, because these are your constants and the areas of your life that you have control over. Yet, you call this post “The Waiting Game,” which implies that your investment is conditional on a certain set of future outcomes. It seems like the main thing you are worried about is the ethical dubiousness of it all and the fact that you see yourself repeating a pattern that started with Bobby or before. You want this to be different! I am not saying one concern is greater than the other, but how much of your need for things to change have to do with the nuts-and-bolts quality of the relationship you have with Bennett (i.e. are your needs being met?) versus the discomfort you have with repeating a pattern (banking on an unavailable man) that historically results in causing more unhappiness than happiness? If I can add my two cents about Denver, my thinking is that he represents no more than a shell game, since he is as fundamentally unavailable as Bennett. Perhaps it isn’t so much that you really see something with Denver, but you need to remind yourself that you aren’t banking everything on Bennett – that you are reasonably afraid to commit to a married man. Yet, you want to bank everything on Bennett. There’s nothing wrong with pursuing Denver, and if drama comes up, how you navigate it with the parties involved will be revealing. Denver, however, will not ever be fully available.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You deserve to be happy and you seem to be pretty clear about not wanting to “share” this man with his wife in the long run, for example over the holidays. I think you have been wise enough to give yourself the answer within this post, if he has not left her by the holidays, you do not see a (happy) future for the two of you. I have never been with a married man so I can not really advice any more than from stories I have heard, where the biggest risk with a married man seems to be that he tends to string “the other woman” along, always talking about that he “just needs a little more time” to get divorced etc. So the risk would be just giving more and more time, while nothing happens. Therein seems to be the risk of getting more and more unhappy, with time. I think youbare wise to give him a deadline and stick with that, no matter what. If he chooses his wife, well then, sadly you are not meant to be, at least not at this point in time. If he chooses you, then perhaps it really was meant to be.

    Good luck, stay strong, remember your own worth, you do deserve someone who you do not have to share with another woman.
    Hugs ⚘

    Liked by 3 people

  3. It’s a conundrum.
    I’m not sure of all the reasons Bennett has given for why he stays married when he is clearly in love with you. Sounds like from the amount of time he is giving you there must be some major disconnect between himself and his wife or he would take greater steps to keep you at arms length so she doesn’t get suspicious.
    I understand the desire for the right timing in terms of deciding how much time you give him to make some move regarding his marriage. With an operation and a mother in hospice this would not be the time. But…on a completely morbid note (I’m sorry!!!) If his mother passes and his wife supports him through this loss…I fear you may hear “I can’t leave her right now with how supportive she has been”. The reasons to stay and not change his marital situation could become endless and only you know how much you can tolerate. I don’t envy you being back in this situation. It is so hard to love someone who loves you back but can’t be all in.
    I agree with the above comment about giving him a deadline but ake sure it’s one you can stick to. Christmas alone while he is with his wife is going to be incredibly hard. And then there is New Years. Ugh.
    I know you love him and don’t necessarily want to be out dating etc. But have you considered telling him that until he is in a spot to move things forward you need to keep your options open?? And then you can see Denver under that situation??
    Sorry for the long and completely scattered comment..just throwing all my thoughts and questions out as they come.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I had told him that I would keep my options open, but when I tried to do this I found I really had no heart for it since I am in love with him.

      His only reason for staying put at the moment is his mother. He claims there is nothing else. He wants things to happen in a specific order and he has no timeline for that. We have never even discussed a timeline. We have been together about 14 weeks or so at this point and I don’t see the point of asking him for something I feel he can’t give me.

      I agree about the holidays and hadn’t really thought it through from his end – just my own. I would rather be alone than upset with him. I am using this as my own guidepost to determine how much longer I can really stay in this situation without any definitive timeline.

      I also didn’t think about the death/support thing….I tend to think, if he has been honest, that support is not a quality of hers (ever) and this is one of the reasons he doesn’t want to stay married. I know I’m the first phone call after every family incident…so he’s leaning on me for that support right now…but when his mom dies, that’s a good call, things could change though he claims they never will.

      Seeing Denver was not the right thing to do and I didn’t feel good about it, so I am glad I didn’t.

      He isn’t fussed about getting caught or not, maybe he even prefers it – his assistant saw us together last night and it didn’t phase him at all…

      I don’t think it’s long and scattered at all – it’s totally helpful to me when you weigh in and I appreciate it! 🙂

      Like

      1. I get all that. I find I am a serial monogamist so I would be the same way and unable to be really pursuing and intimate with others while in love with one person. I couldn’t even sleep with my husband during my affair..lol.

        I really hope you have some time line from him by the time holidays get closer it is still early days. Thanks for explaining his situation more..it helps to understand where he is at and why there would be no timeline. I am sorry though that your heart is again attached to someone who can’t be fully yours yet. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Holidays are not a good time to expect someone to shake up a domestic situation, especially with kids involved. There is that saying that if you are single come the start of the holiday season, expect to be so through Valentine’s Day. I think the same could apply here. The bigger question is if you are ok with waiting, period. From my experience, there will likely always be a reason why the time is not right, especially if the married person is having their cake (feeling good about not breaking up the marriage) and eating it, too (getting their romantic needs met from the affair). The most effective way to get change, once you need it, will be to halt your relationship with him, and only resume it after he separates and lands safely. It also spares you from being the reason for their separation.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve just started reading your blog, so I don’t know the entire backstory yet. But there is one piece of advice I can give you, and it’s probably more applicable than people realize.

    If you have to talk yourself into or out of doing something, more often than not it is the wrong decision.

    Deep down we all know what the right decision is. We just don’t want to admit it to our self.

    I look forward to reading the rest of your blog, and wish you inner peace.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I follow my feelings, it’s always what drives my behaviors. I tend to go with what my gut intrinsic tells me. Sometimes that’s impulsive and sometimes it’s not (in this case it’s not impulsive, but it certainly fueled by emotion)

        Like

      2. maybe i’m misunderstanding then. at least for me, there’s usually a difference between my feelings and what my gut is telling me. I haven’t all of your posts yet, but I see an awful lot of conflict in your actions & thoughts involving him from what I have read.

        Liked by 1 person

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