Most days things with Bennett are pretty wonderful.
And then, in some moments, they are not.
I can’t say hand-on-heart that I am capable of entirely dismissing the fact that the man I am so deeply in love with is married. I can’t. Of course it bothers me.
I go through the same routine that any one would in this situation. I question how a relationship built in dishonesty could last. I question if he cheated on his wife would he cheat on me. I question if he really means what he says and if he has the stomach to take action. All those questions surface.
I know I am foolish for staying here with him. I question myself….if he is the one for me and I choose to leave him now, won’t he just come back into my life later when the timing is right? If we were truly “soul mates” wouldn’t we always be? Perhaps leaving him is the impetus he needs to move forward.
And, if it’s not, then I have a different answer, right?
Of course, all these questions are rhetorical. I don’t need any help thinking of the worst possible conclusions to this romance. I try to focus on the possibility. I try to believe Bennett. I try. I mostly succeed, but sometimes I fail.
I realized I had no stomach for on-line dating so I deleted the apps. It made no sense to me to go looking for someone when I felt the way I do about Bennett. More men (from my past) than usual have come back for one reason or the other and I have deleted them all, what’s the point? If I didn’t hold their interest before, or they didn’t hold mine, there is no reason to engage. I’ve probably never been as sure about doing that as I am now. I also realize I should have learned that lesson sooner and without Bennett, but but late than never.
But I know there are a few that I might weaken for and I find that I am questioning myself. Why would I go out with someone and potentially jeopardize my relationship with Bennett?
The two cases in point were Finnian and Denver.
Now Finnian and I can only be friends. We have sussed through this and agreed there is nothing more. But, knowing Bennett wouldn’t be too keen on me meeting Finn, is it worth it? Does Finn really even matter to me that much? The answer is no, he would be a fun night out and it would end there. But I can live without Finn.
Denver is another story. But I’m question myself much more in this case. Denver and I met in January online but didn’t actually meet until late June (just before I met Bennett, actually). I like him, but he lives far away. We have kept in touch all this time. He reached out this week to tell me he was back in town several times over the next month and was hoping to see me, even if it was just a drink.
And, I want to.
So….what does that mean? Does it mean I don’t love Bennett as much as I think I do? Does it mean that I am frustrated that he is still in his marriage, and if he stays there, he can’t expect me to not date?
Why do I want to see Denver? It will be fun, he’s beautiful to look at but it ends there. No legs to that relationship….so ultimately it could vaporizer my relationship with Bennett even more than a date with Finn would.
There is something about Denver beyond his physical looks. I suppose because I have gotten to know him by talk and text the past 9 months. He’s a nice guy. I am interested in him.
The answer is relatively clear to me, I am playing with fire and shouldn’t see Denver at the potential cost. But I find myself debating…and that’s sort of what bugs me.
I am the one choosing to wait for Bennett. His mother is in hospice now and I feel that any move at this point (to question his living situation) is wrong and he won’t ultimately forgive me for it. He has also just come through a hernia operation that kept him out of work for two weeks (that and going to see his mom). I feel it in my gut that now is not the time. But, as morbid as this sounds, once his mother does pass….how much more time is acceptable? I have it in my head that there is no way I am going through the holidays with a married man, full stop. I won’t do it.
I know my love for Bennett is different from anything I have ever experienced. I feel like this love is long term. But what if it’s not meant for right now? What if I am putting us both into a situation that can’t be easily resolved and waiting for another time is better for both of us? Lately, these have been the thoughts in my head. I am beginning to believe that if Bennett is meant to be, he will be. Even if that means not now.
I don’t want to be involved in a married man’s life again. I don’t want to watch the end of his marriage involving me. But here I am.
I’m not struggling with the love I share with Bennett, but I am struggling with being in this situation again. I also believe that Bennett can love me more than anything and still not leave his marriage, we know this is possible.
So what’s right for me?
I have an immense peace with Bennett. I can’t explain how this man makes me feel, but peace and calm are the closest words I can find. I have never felt love or care like he gives to me.
He makes the time for me, he is constantly in touch with me. He has already started helping me with anything he can contribute to ….. he now brings his tools when he comes to my home. He doesn’t have to, I don’t ask, he just does. If I am struggling with something, he tries to help me with it (case in point, I’m buying a new car). I have learned I can do these things on my own and with help from friends, but he wants to help. His first day back to work he meets me for lunch, he’s just part of the fabric of my life already.
Then, sometimes, those other thoughts (which are valid) creep to the front and confuse the sense of peace…how can I be peaceful when there is ultimately turmoil ahead?
So many questions….so many answers….but which ones are mine?