Relationship Requirements

I spent a lot of time compiling a list of all the “requirements” I had for the perfect mate.

Needless to say, my list was long.

Based on discussions with friends, chances are the list is much too long.  But I went back and tried to edit and, frankly, I couldn’t figure out what my real top ten requirements were because when I dropped one I sat there and thought, no, I can’t live without that.


Here was the ultimate list I came up with……

  1. A man who can think for himself
  2. Strong shoulders (not in the physical sense though this is my favorite physical attribute)
  3. Trust
  4. Honesty
  5. Respect
  6. Calm communicator/great listener/sound advice giver
  7. Not a complainer
  8. Handsome and tall (not bald)
  9. Sexy and sexual
  10. Intelligent
  11. Above 40 and under 48
  12. Interested in me, responsive, caring
  13. Witty sense of humour, can elicit belly laughs from me including in bed
  14. Dominant
  15. Gracious
  16. Generous
  17. Kind
  18. Solid career/ambition/white-collar/makes money
  19. wants to spend his money, doesn’t worry about it all the time
  20. wants to travel the world

In addition to my own criteria, there is an article out there called “18 qualities every alpha female needs in a boyfriend” and I feel that many of these are very relevant for me as well:

  1. He someone you can tease and can tease you
  2. He challenges you
  3. He doesn’t get jealous
  4. He isn’t waiting on you but has his own plans
  5. He doesn’t air your dirty laundry
  6. He knows how to deal with your bad moods
  7. When he apologizes he really means it
  8. He’s moving at the same speed as you
  9. He doesn’t belittle you but he doesn’t put you on a pedestal either (don’t agree with the way this is worded, I want someone to hold up my pedestal!)
  10. He is someone who teaches but never lectures
  11. He makes you laugh
  12. He will call you out when you need to be called out
  13. He wants to be the wind beneath your wings
  14. He isn’t the life of the party but is always there is you need to be carried home (don’t agree with this, I like the life of a party) 
  15. His opinions aren’t irrational they are backed up
  16. He has dreams as big as yours (this isn’t hard as I don’t really have specific dreams)
  17. He knows when to drop it and when to address it
  18. He is a great listener but also expects to be heard

So when I looked at these two long lists again, I didn’t find anything that needed to be removed that was originally part of what I deemed important in a relationship.

I think I would add a few though:

21.  Not married

22. Holds my pedestal steady, is the wind beneath my wings.


Otherwise, the list still holds weight.

So, when evaluating any partner for dating, this list has come into play since last year.

Bobby fulfilled many items on the list, as did Ayden for a short time.  Ayden lost interest in me so there was no possibility for exploring more.  Those were the only two that came that close to checking off the boxes.

And then along comes Bennett, who hits every single item on the list (not #21) plus some that I didn’t even think were important (like his ability to communicate his depth of love for me).

I pulled the list out again because I was thinking about why Bennett feels so right to me….and I got my answer in my own requirements.  It must be unusual that he fulfills all of them?

Except that elusive #21….I can’t seem to stay away from the unavailable men, can I?



Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “Relationship Requirements”

  1. My beautiful and wise mentor suggested my relationship with my Mr Unavailable is a coping and self protection thing, following my difficult marriage. My list is very similar to yours and he does tick them….except #21. Maybe my mentor had a point.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I don’t even know what I would suggest taking off that list at all. It covers everything nicely.

    I wonder if the whole “married man” thing has to do with the fact that this still makes the situation a challenge for you. A guy who is amazing but incredibly into you and is single really isn’t a challenge. BUT a guy who is amazing, totally into you….and is a major challenge. PLUS there is the added security of not having to commit too much yourself because you can’t. This type of relationship is safe yet dangerous at the same time.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Sassy. I tried a few times to at least pull out the dealbreakers and I always seem to get stuck!

      Sometimes I do wonder if the whole married thing is a reflection on my own inability to commit now….I wonder.


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