The Elusive Orgasm

Last year I certainly experienced a period of time where orgasms eluded me.  I already know I am not one of those people who is going to orgasm easily or quickly, nor often.  As disappointing as this is, these are the facts.

All the years prior and through my marriage, I had only ever experienced a clitoral orgasm through oral sex.  The most I probably ever came during any sex session was once, maybe twice if my partner was especially interested in pleasing me that night, but I don’t actually have a memory of coming more than once prior to my separation.

I also don’t recall being particularly loud or verbal during sex.

That all changed during the time I dated Bobby last summer.  While Bobby struggled to produce an orgasm through oral sex, it never stopped him from trying.  Eventually, after a few months, he found the right combination of tongue and fingers and was able to bring me to an orgasm at least once orally.  He was also fully focused on bringing me to my first orgasm while having sex while I was on top.  He was also responsible for my first orgasms during any sexual position with a vibrator.  Probably the only “first” he didn’t hold in the way of new sexual experiences was squirting, and that honor went to R in the Summer of 2014.

Bobby also encouraged dirty talk in bed and it was there that I perfected what has become my verbal sexual style.  I have had feedback from multiple partners (including two “shooshes”) that they love my dirty talk.

It seems the summer months are good months for me to have new sexual experiences.  And, while I wouldn’t call what Bennett and I are doing exactly new in terms of the sex acts themselves, things have happened between us because of the way we feel about one another that I haven’t experienced before.

I was worried about Bennett’s sexual ability being hindered by anxiety when we were first together.  I was also concerned about his lack of partners and experiences.  He had very little chance to try new things or be sexually adventurous and I didn’t think I was prepared to be a leader.  Bennett had a relatively uninspiring sex life and the thought crossed my mind more than once in the early days that he was going to be boring in bed.

But he has continually proved me wrong, in many cases, sex only being one of them.  I am now consistently pleasantly surprised by the many facets of Bennett and how he just fits into my “ideal” relationship requirements (post to follow).  While no one is perfect, I do love the fact that Bennett is really the most lovely surprise.

Bennett’s oral abilities were solid from the start and with some time, he could bring me to orgasm in each session.  It was clear how much he enjoyed what he was doing and I could tell early on that he had the endurance needed for someone like me.  In addition, I also learned something about myself.  As we got to know one another better, I equated my own inability to orgasm every time with his inability to stay hard every time.  We both experienced a similar performance anxiety and I don’t know that I thought of my inability to orgasm in this light (he never suggested this, it was an idea I came to in my own analysis of one of our discussions).  He didn’t get frustrated with me if I stopped him and said “not tonight” and he always offered more than one round of oral.  He is a very patient and considerate lover, certainly one of the best, if not close to the best, I have ever had.

Quite quickly, Bennett’s techniques not only improved but became laser focused on exactly what pleased me.  His ability to read my body signs was far-and-above anyone I had been with before.  3 months in and the moment his tongue touches me, my body lights up and I know I will orgasm.  Even when I struggle a little with the orgasm, I can tell he responds to small changes that must happen with my body and adjusts and perseveres….and ensures I orgasm.  It’s like he found the manual to M and adding his own notes to improve upon the technique making the entire experience the best oral sex I have ever received.  Hands down.

Twice, during the time I was with Bobby, I experienced such mind-blowing orgasms that they caused me to roll into the fetal position and have him hold me until I could calm down.  I was rendered speechless and dumb.  Both times this happened with Bobby were under exceptional circumstances, not just any normal night in bed.

Incredibly, Bennett achieved this the other night.

We had been having sex for some time before he started the oral sex.  Our traditional sex is already excellent, we fit well together and have a similar tempo and pace.  His endurance is exceptional and we try a lot of different positions, though his favorites are ones he can look at me.  This time, when he went down on me, while it felt amazing from the start, and he brought me up quickly, my body just wasn’t hitting the crescendo for some reason….until, it did.  And when it did, holy cow!  I swear I think I saw stars and may have even screamed something.  I wouldn’t say I blacked out, but it was certainly something close.

He crawled back up to me to lie beside me (usually I want sex immediately following an orgasm) and I balled into a fetal position, locked my legs around his and just tried to calm myself with my head in the middle of his chest.  I don’t know how long I lay like that because he began to be concerned by my inability to speak to him (though I did nod in acknowledgment of anything he said).  I also wouldn’t loosen my grip until my breathing normalized and I think I scared him.  I recall I scared Bobby the first time it happened as well.

I guess putting your partner into the fetal position after an orgasm can be alarming…maybe they thought I broke something?!

Once I gathered my senses I was able to explain it to him and could see his face light up and the pride shine through.

He claims he will always be going after the “Fetal Position Orgasm” now…though I can’t tell you what made that time any different from any other.  When it happened before, there was a lot of other stimulation involved in the act that was also overwhelming and perhaps shut down some of my senses causing overload…but this time, it was just Bennett in my bed, doing what he does so well.

I’m happy to say, where once I couldn’t find orgasms, I can now look forward to ones, while still not frequent in terms of quantity, have a mind-blowing effect on me!

Bennett was also fastidiously working towards having me achieve an orgasm while riding him, which is also very difficult for me to achieve….but again, I am happy to report, we were successful in making that happen as well!

Sex with Bennett is a mixture of pure animal sex, passion, lust and lots of love.  We play and laugh in bed, we cuddle, and we fuck hard.  It’s never felt this good to me since early marriage (and technically speaking, the sex with my x was never this good, but I didn’t know any better!).  Even with Bobby, I never had the feeling of consistent love the way I do with Bennett.  With Bennett, everything just feels right all the time.

We shower together almost every time now because he had never had sex in a shower and I happen to love it.  He never leaves the bed in the morning without sex because I told him the day shouldn’t start without morning sex (and he was used to women who didn’t like it).  He almost never wants me to finish him with a blow job because he is so desperate to be inside of me.  I just didn’t imagine sex would be so all-encompassing like this.  I experienced a similar feeling with Bobby from the sheer thrill of sexual adventure, but not from true intimacy (until perhaps the last month or so).  I realize I probably shouldn’t compare so much, but Bobby is my bench in many ways…..though Bennett is quickly upsetting the seat of the king.




Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

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