The Changing of The Seasons of My Life

 

When Bennett sent me this song, I sobbed.  I had no idea why so much emotion was raised in that moment.

But there were clearly a few things that impacted me, one of them was the lyrics:

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time made you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time made you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too
Oh, I’m getting older too

For sure, I was struggling with getting older, losing my job, my first heartbreak, and being a mother full-time.  There were just so many points in the song that seemed to resonate for me.  Add Stevie Nicks voice to that and, well, the tears just flowed.

I had a moment when he sent me this song, some things crystallized for me.

I had been interviewing for a position that literally fell into my lap.  This was my dream job (in a sense, if any corporate america job can even be a dream job) and I so desperately wanted to hold this role.

I had started to fall in love with Bennett and was fighting it the same way I fought the feeling with Bobby.

I just couldn’t seem to find my groove with my kids at home.

And, as strange as it seems, I heard this song and my heart opened up and I let go.

If I was meant to get the job, I would.  I would be sure to work as hard as I could for it, but it would be out of my hands ultimately.

I decided I would allow myself to love Bennett in full and see where it leads.  I refuse to pass up something that feels deeper to me than any other romance in my life.

I just let it be with the kids and suddenly found my groove as a full time Mommy.

And then, things just seemed to open up for me…..the months of August and September really passed full of happiness with my life.   I was ok with where I was, finally.  Everything just seemed to fall into place.

I was going to manage this season of my life, like any other, but I felt like it was “my” season this time around.   I feel like it’s my time now.  I spent the last several years truly struggling and fighting uphill battles.  I feel the tide has turned.  For the first time in my life, I feel clear and open.  I’m not sure that I can articulate this properly, but I let all my shit out for the universe to take care of it, and it did.  I am ready for what’s next and I’m embracing it.

There are big changes taking place.

I’ve written about being in love with Bennett and I plan on staying here for a while, he makes me feel whole, every minute of every day.

The kids and I are in a groove….which is about to change because, for the first time in their lives we have no additional home helpers.  No Au Pairs.  While that may seem like no big deal at their age, they (and me!) have been spoiled for a long time by always having an extra pair of hands in the home.  It’s not an easy transition to suddenly have to wake yourself up, make your own breakfast and lunch and get to school after 17 years of someone doing it for you.  It also puts additional burden on me because they are typically thoughtless teens.  It will be an interesting transition.

And, the biggest transition of all, I start a new job next week.  Yep.  I got the dream job.  I worked hard, I fought for it, I negotiated a great deal and I am super excited.  I’m also super scared I can’t do it!  But, it’s my time.  I feel it in my bones.  It’s my time to take something on for myself and be a super star.

The seasons change and life changes too.  I feel ready for this next season.  I feel like I have a clear head for the first time in years.  I am happy and at peace.  I feel grateful.  I really feel blessed that I had this opportunity in my life and that the universe has granted me so many good things in a relatively short time.

Soon, my final divorce proceedings will also complete.  The payments to the x will be finished and I can start with a clean slate by obtaining my mortgage now that I have employment.  The relief I feel from this is amazing.

As we head into the Fall and the leaves fall to the ground, I am also ready and accepting that there will be more change to come.  We will start thinking about colleges, if my relationship with Bennett actually has legs or not, and settling into the new role.  I’m looking forward to it.  I know my road ahead isn’t easy, I have made difficult choices.

Loving Bennett is not an easy path and I don’t dismiss his situation, I just don’t focus on it.

Having three teens that have to learn how to care for themselves will probably be frustrating at best.

I will have to completely give myself to this new role for the first year.  There will be long hours and plenty of overseas travel.  I will have a large team to manage and restructure.  I know I am jumping into a burning building, but it seems, based on my past behaviors, I like a little self-torure, so I might as well add burns to my list of wounds!  I am hoping the amount of focus the role will require will also provide some distance between Bennett and I and give us both a little more clarity.

I’m hoping my kids reflect on how much of a presence I was over this summer, I think they will.  They are already upset I’m heading back to work.  It was the first time they can recall having a full time Mommy.

It was a great 5 months.

And I’m ready for the change of seasons.

 

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

20 thoughts on “The Changing of The Seasons of My Life”

  1. Congratulations!!! I’m so excited & happy for you. So many changes are upon you and your next chapter will be a true rollercoaster, but we all know you can do it.

    I love that song, but the Dixie Chicks version is my fave. Hugs, kisses & I’m raising a glass (or bottle) to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Congratulations on the job! I knew you’d come up smelling like roses. You’re on a roll M. Enjoy every second. Let Bennett keep smothering you with attention. Time will come soon enough for decisions

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m curious – when you have to be out of the country will they be staying with dad or will the oldest be stepping up? I was surprised to read you won’t have an au pair – to me I would rather rely on a paid employee than my ex or my kids lol but your situation may be different that’s just me! lol

        Like

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