The Little Blue Pill

After a slow start of ups and downs sexually with Bennett, the Little Blue Pill came on the scene and….oh, my!

Bennett is nowhere near as an experienced lover as Bobby.  Because of Bobby, I have been looking for a more dominant traits in a man sexually.  I knew at the start that Bennett didn’t have the experience, but he demonstrated something else…a willingness to try.

Now, I knew I couldn’t be the leader exactly, I don’t like that role and I play it much too often in my life.  My x has made it so I almost never want to think for myself again.  This is a pretty hard thing for me to overcome actually.  Lots of my friends don’t even understand why I don’t want to order my dinner or choose places to go on a date, I just don’t want to have to think anymore.  But like everything else with Bennett, it turns out that when there is true partnership, I don’t mind taking on the leader role sometimes.

Bennett is a quick learner and curious.  He listens to my body.  He reads and watches videos and then tries new things out.  He talks to me before, during and after sex.  All good signs of a good partner.  What I didn’t expect, and couldn’t be happier about, was his ability to consume me during sex, to make me so turned on both physically and emotionally that I can lose myself.

And, sure enough, some of those dominant traits that exist in other parts of his personality, have started to come out in the bedroom because he is comfortable.  We haven’t quite gotten him to hit my ass hard enough to bruise, but he’s left some little red marks!  He can pin me down and hold me still with my arms above my head while he fucks me silly.  And he can go for hours at a time.  I have no complaints about his previous lack of experience because he’s making up for lost time!  Again, he reminds me of myself.  Curiosity makes for an excellent lover.

Bennett definitely has performance anxiety due to some past issues and allows too much to get into his head to relax.  While some of this has evaporated with me, there are layers that I can see take a very, very long time (if ever) to eliminate or reduce.  I think he knows this and it’s why he accepted the Little Blue Pill as his new best friend.  He was so excited to take it the first few times he took two at once!  Needless to say, even I was sore 8 hours later.

In between all the great sex falls all the amazing emotional attachment.  I am pretty sure that he never allows me to leave his arms while we are in bed together.  He watches me while I sleep and adjusts to any movements I might make.  Everything for Bennett is about my comfort.

In a little turn of events, Bennett took my favorite sleep shirt home with him so he could smell me.  Not once, but twice.  The second time I traded him for his sleep shirt.  So if you want to really understand how juvenile and crazy-in-love the two of us are, that kind of demonstrates it for you.  I recall wanting to be so close to Bobby after the breakup that I had to take his shirt home.  I think I wore it a few times and then sent it back to him.  I understand the drive that makes you want to be able to reach out and touch someone at all times.  What continues to fascinate me at every turn is how Bennett is the same way.  I never thought I would meet someone who acts emotionally as I do.

All of the great sex eventually led to questions for Bennett.  When he fell in love, I was pretty sure he didn’t know who he was falling in love with because he really hadn’t asked the right questions about many things, predominantly the past two years of my dating life.  He has a natural jealousy which he admits is hard to curb, but interestingly enough, he is willing to talk about it and he tries to control it.  His awareness of his behaviors is a good sign in my opinion.

I have come clean and told him almost all the stories, at least the ones I can recall.  It also led to me determining how many men I had actually had sex with in the past two years (he did ask, and I had no idea).  I went back to the old blog and estimated the number at about 25-30.  I suppose 2 a month over 2 years doesn’t sound so bad?!

He knows about the sex clubs and Bobby’s sex addiction.  He knows about Tinder and Bumble, though he avoids asking if I am still on them or not.  He knows about Brix and the ridiculous trip to LA.  He knows about Finnian and Ayden.

I have also admitted to journaling but I believe he thinks it’s a written journal.  I do not know if I would ever tell anyone again about the blog after all of Ann’s experience with HHSNBN.

Every day with Bennett I am pleasantly surprised in the best ways possible.  There is no doubt in my mind that he would be the right “one” for me.  But, much of this is out of my hands and I have already started to think about things that will kill us both, in particular the holidays.  So, when thoughts like this pop up, I am currently trying to suppress them.  Stupidity?  Yes.  without a doubt, but don’t think I don’t think about it.

I do.

But my head remains buried in the sand and I am enjoying something I have never had and always wanted.


Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

12 thoughts on “The Little Blue Pill”

  1. No matter what, do not make the mistake I made with Fox – thinking he totally “got” me and could be trusted with the knowledge that I blog. I can see you maybe getting to that place and as you know it was part of our undoing.

    HWSNBN just found me through my real life social media connections, as I had one link to a blog friend which he uncovered. I would make sure you don’t have anything connecting you, because while Bennett doesn’t sound like the type, you never know when he’s going to comb through your various accounts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Actually I think Bennett would be the type, I just have that feeling. And I think it would be a problem. I have to be very cautious not to slip and sometimes it’s hard as there is a lot of crossover from real life to blog obviously. After your experience I wouldn’t trust anyone.

      I think I made it out relatively unscathed with Bobby but I’m not willing to take the chance.


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