While I have had my fill of short-term dating relationships over the past two years, one long-term marriage, and several long-term serious boyfriends from my teens through early twenties, I don’t recall ever spending the amount of time getting to know someone the way Bennett and I take with one another.
Bobby and I never spent this kind of time, it wasn’t possible with the way we both worked and his home situation. My x claimed he wasn’t into phone communication and, of course, there was no text back then. The last time I recall spending hours and hours talking like this was high school.
Clearly, I have reverted.
Without question, I speak to him on the phone several hours every day, and that probably tallies up to at least 15-20 hours in a week of just phone chat. No hour goes by without text. No week goes by without a date, and an overnight if at all possible. We are putting in a whole hella lot of time.
Initially I had decided I wouldn’t be sharing the truth of my sexual history with Bennett because I didn’t think he was the type who could handle it. He debunked that myth and he knows everything there is to know about me sexually.
Initially I thought I wouldn’t share all the gory details of my divorce and ever-strained relationship with the x. But he listens and offers amazing, sound and patient advice.
I could go on and on with my list of “initial” things I wasn’t going to do with Bennett. I didn’t think he was the right type of man for me but he continues to prove me wrong at every turn. Without question, Bennett is the first man to prove to me that looks aren’t everything. He got under my skin with his charm, sensibility and kindness….especially his immense attraction to me. I have never felt something like his attraction to me in my entire life…it’s so powerful I could not pull myself from it when I had the chance.
Bennett fell in love first. We met on June 28 and he told me by August 4th. I wrote about my feelings here, thinking it was much too soon for him to love me. He didn’t know me well enough.
I began to suspect that things were changing in my head when I went on vacation and spent almost 3 weeks away from Bennett. He kept trying to improve for me and I was fascinated by his ability to understand me.
If there was a time I had the ability to pull away, it was around mid/end August, but once the end of the month arrived, it had become too late. We had a small argument on the phone and we didn’t speak for two days. I knew, undoubtedly, during those two days, I had already fallen in love. By the time the end of August rolled around, I shared it with him.
He was so happy I finally said “I love you, Bennett” that his only answer was “for reals?”
Since then, I waffled with myself and with him. We attempt serious conversation about his situation and it leads nowhere. We both believe we have found “the one” in the other. But how the hell we get to being together, neither of us has the answer.
I am willing to wait, and he has asked me to wait for him. But, for how long? I don’t know. I know the perils of this situation. I am terrified.
Not just terrified that he does or doesn’t come out of his marriage. Terrified that I am handing over my heart in full to this man…something I never even did with Bobby. Perhaps, on my sex-cation with Bobby, and the “last night” we shared together, I allowed myself to be fully in love and outwardly verbal about it, but still, not to this extent. I always held back because I knew Bobby was going to exit. It never felt quite right with Bobby to act like I was a silly teen in love because I felt that he had to hold back. Of course, there were moments, but it’s definitely not like this.
With Bennett, he gets all of me. I know this is simply because he gives all. He clearly communicates the depth of his feelings in an articulate and heartfelt manner. He makes my knees weak and my heart melt with his words and actions.
When someone is giving this to you, it’s not hard to give it all back in spades. And just when I think I am giving too much, he somehow gives more.
I am sure the question will be out there: do I love the man or how he makes me feel? I am certain in the beginning it was all about how he made me feel. I was genuinely intrigued by his emotional output.
“Me? It’s me you love like this?”
In Bennett I found my best reflection. I see a man who can give me the world and makes me want to be my best self. I’m not afraid to be me, to be alive, to be honest, courageous or scared with him. I’m not afraid to be in love with him, just fearful of the clichéd inevitable outcome.
I question how he can love me like this? I can’t fathom how a man exists that loves like I love. That communicates like I do. That feels emotion the way I do.
And to top it all off, he’s a musician. Now, I do realize this isn’t really relevant to the fact of why I should love him, but seriously folks, a man who plays guitar, has an amazing voice, sings to you every night, records songs for you and serenades you? Well, that just about sunk the Titanic for me. I am mush when that man sings for me.
Of course I am sad when I allow myself to think that this man, this perfect man, is married and not able to be mine, not now. Maybe not ever. I just stopped thinking of the “forever” part and I’m very focused on the “right now” part. Though Bennett tells me he will never leave me and will love me forever, he speaks my language when he says that love leaves an indelible impression on your heart.
My life is changing for many reasons come October. September brought one of the best months of my life, which includes falling in love with Bennett and feeling his kind of love in return. I will write more about all the great stuff that’s happened, but, for now, I’m gushing.
I believe he’s my ONE.