Behind the Scenes: Bennett

I’ve done it all wrong again.

It doesn’t seem to matter how badly I was hurt last year and how very, very long it took me to climb out of that painful hole.

It doesn’t seem to matter that I know what I’m doing is wrong on every level.

I still did it.

I fell in love with Bennett.

12 weeks in and I know I’m in big trouble.

I don’t have an excuse. None at all. My head is back in the sand and buried so deep that I can’t even hear myself screaming to “get out!”

How did this happen?  Simply because I let it.

I kept saying I will stop, I will get out. I stopped writing because I knew I was lying to myself. But there isn’t any point in lying, I’m not harming anyone but myself now.

In some ways this is worse than being in love with Bobby because I can see myself long-term with Bennett. He has the qualities of a man I should have married.  I know none of the reasons matter, but at the core I know this is different and probably more harmful than Bobby.

Call it what you will: butterflies, lust, limerence, or infatuation. Call it stupidity. All of it. I’m in it deep.

There were so many things I kept convincing myself wouldn’t be right with Bennett and (I think I’ve mentioned this before)  every time I said something to Bennett, he rose to the challenge and surpassed my request.  He reminds me so much of myself early on in the process. The blooming of a flower once it’s watered after years of drought. The beauty and life it breathes forth.

I can’t say enough amazing things about Bennett so I won’t say anything because I’m not trying to convince anyone.  I’m simply here to remain honest to myself.

I just wish I knew what keeps me in this cycle of unavailable men and why. Knowing something isn’t right for me and doing it whole-hog anyway. There are so many great things going on in my life right now and, of course, Bennett enhances all of that…but even without him, my life is a blessing at the moment. I don’t need him, but I want him which is why I think it’s even more dangerous.

As the weather goes from summer to fall, and the seasons change, I hope the seasons of my life flow along with it.

For the moment, my head remains clear and easy and something tells me I’m going to be ok this time around.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

20 thoughts on “Behind the Scenes: Bennett”

  1. I’m the last to get on your case about this! But, here’s a question, something I have been having to think about quite a bit in my situation. How much of your happiness comes from having your needs well-met in the moment, and how much of your happiness comes from dreaming about the future? Let’s forget for a situation the big ugly story behind his constraints – are you seeing as much of him as you would like right now? Is he available for you when you need him? How much are you accommodating his schedule, his need for discretion? If the answer is, quite a bit, you will probably tire of this once the limerence fades. How much is his “situation” a convenient framework to rationalize what could be fundamental unavailability on his part? (I’m projecting). Hopefully you will maintain the same clarity you have at this moment and wont put up with it for long (for the six years that I have).

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Nichtisobel’s comment was spot on… I was debating on whether to comment myself.
    I only seriously fall for emotionally unavailable men. Somehow, I equate weakness/strength with emotional availability. Men who seem to want me and make themselves too available, seem like pussies to me…

    Liked by 3 people

  3. This is the married man, right? (If I remember.) Here’s my question. Are you going to feel the same way if he divorces his wife and wants to marry you? Can you see having the same feelings in that case? If you don’t want to be in another marriage, then it’s a moot point but if you do….then, I would say….ENJOY!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes you’re right, he’s married.

      At some point at do want to remarry but certainly no time in my near future that I can see or anticipate. I feel like I am on the brink of such change in my life that it would be foolish to be in any serious relationship right now.

      However with that said and with as much fun as I have with him I will get sick of being second place. I know how that feels and I know I hate it.

      Like

    1. No I’m not conflicted about remaining with Bennett for the time being. I feel like so much change is about to happen in his life and my life that some thing more “natural” will force change between us. Don’t know how better to articulate it than that.

      Like

  4. I am glad you’re back and writing – I’ve missed you and reading about your adventures big and small. It’s not the falling in love that concerns me so much as the potential of letting go of one another should that time come for you. The consequence of being miserable always exists so enjoy the sweetness of these moments.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You know me Ms. M, while I haven’t been posting, I am still lurking and yes, still in the same situation. My heart doesn’t ache as it once did because, similar to you, I know that there is mutual love. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or won’t hurt but that it exists. I’ll be on your side of the world later this fall…let’s connect if we can. Sending positive energy and thoughts as well as {{hugs}}

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It’s amazing to read the post and the comments…realizing I’m not alone and when you said you’re not fooling yourself, you know you’re stupid, I said a secret “amen” about myself as well. I’ve been in love with a married man for almost three years. Luckily (is that even the right term?) we haven’t seen each other in almost a year, but the emotional connection remains…I still talk to him everyday, etc. We don’t think we’ll be able to let it go until we’re able to be in a position to be together as a couple. I tell him I’m not holding my breath – I date, hang out with friends, etc. He doesn’t feel the same way.

    I’m with you, sister. I know what it’s like when your life seems to be getting in sync, then you have this piece of it that’s out of sorts. You know the right thing to do, but it’s hard to do.

    Again, it’s good to know I’m not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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