I’ve done it all wrong again.
It doesn’t seem to matter how badly I was hurt last year and how very, very long it took me to climb out of that painful hole.
It doesn’t seem to matter that I know what I’m doing is wrong on every level.
I still did it.
I fell in love with Bennett.
12 weeks in and I know I’m in big trouble.
I don’t have an excuse. None at all. My head is back in the sand and buried so deep that I can’t even hear myself screaming to “get out!”
How did this happen? Simply because I let it.
I kept saying I will stop, I will get out. I stopped writing because I knew I was lying to myself. But there isn’t any point in lying, I’m not harming anyone but myself now.
In some ways this is worse than being in love with Bobby because I can see myself long-term with Bennett. He has the qualities of a man I should have married. I know none of the reasons matter, but at the core I know this is different and probably more harmful than Bobby.
Call it what you will: butterflies, lust, limerence, or infatuation. Call it stupidity. All of it. I’m in it deep.
There were so many things I kept convincing myself wouldn’t be right with Bennett and (I think I’ve mentioned this before) every time I said something to Bennett, he rose to the challenge and surpassed my request. He reminds me so much of myself early on in the process. The blooming of a flower once it’s watered after years of drought. The beauty and life it breathes forth.
I can’t say enough amazing things about Bennett so I won’t say anything because I’m not trying to convince anyone. I’m simply here to remain honest to myself.
I just wish I knew what keeps me in this cycle of unavailable men and why. Knowing something isn’t right for me and doing it whole-hog anyway. There are so many great things going on in my life right now and, of course, Bennett enhances all of that…but even without him, my life is a blessing at the moment. I don’t need him, but I want him which is why I think it’s even more dangerous.
As the weather goes from summer to fall, and the seasons change, I hope the seasons of my life flow along with it.
For the moment, my head remains clear and easy and something tells me I’m going to be ok this time around.