I’ve been out of work since May. It’s going on almost 5 months. My severance hasn’t run out yet and I did very little in the way of looking for a new job.
I have been living a very charmed existence since I lost my job. I’ve done, quite literally, nothing.
I should have lost weight but I gained.
I should have read all the books I bought, and I only got through one.
I should have written something, anything.
I should have exercised more. Every day in fact.
I should have let Bennett go.
I should have gone on one great adventure totally alone.
I should have gotten my finances in order and a will together. I know it’s important.
All these things I told myself I would do this summer, I didn’t do any of them.
And frankly, I don’t care. Because I am more at peace with myself and the world than I have ever been before in my life.
And that’s certainly something.
The only true regret I have is my weight gain because I fight so hard to lose it and it’s simply careless to put it back on so easily. I can live with myself for this mistake. I started cooking and baking again for my children and my body took a hit but my kids were happy. Ah, well.
Immediately after losing my job I spent about 2 weeks straight partying. The days went by in a blur and I had tons of fun. Finnian was in the picture then and was caught up in my excitement. After those two weeks, as reality sunk in, I spent too long being sorry for myself and spent more time sleeping than anything else. During one of these long naps a dream came to me. Crystal clear.
I was going to be ok. A job would come to be. My team would come back to work for me. The money would be fine. Everything would work out.
The clarity of this dream was so intense that I woke up lighter. This dream gave me certainty.
During this time I was also dating Ayden and he constantly commented how relaxed I was about the loss of my job. I told him about the dream and he couldn’t believe that’s what gave me peace. But it did.
I truly didn’t worry all summer about finding a job. I just assumed I would start looking in the fall and take what was available. I had somehow given myself full acceptance of my situation.
As late June started my energy came back and I began to actively be responsible for everything. No more au pair to rely on (for the first time in my life), I was going to do it all myself. The last time I was a stay-at-home mom I had 3 under 3. Now I had a house full of teenage boys with a whole different set of demands. As you know, this was a struggle for me.
What do you mean they need to eat 12 times a day?
And laundry? What’s that?
I was as spoiled (in a sense) as they were.
We had to find our new normal while I was full time mom. There were some blowouts and there were times that will forever live in my heart as priceless. Having this gift of time with my boys was a blessing.
We found our cadence and slid into a routine. Bennett came into the fabric of my life and slipped into my heart.
The summer was blissful. Good weather, vacations, friends, and just peace. Simple, pure peace. No real challenges or obstacles.
As the summer came to a close, I spent two full weeks without my boys. Mostly alone. I couldn’t even tell you what I did with my time.
There’s a part of me that feels i should have been more accountable for all of this time and accomplished something more tangible. More significant. But instead I emptied my mind.
It’s a strange place to be for me. Calm. Peaceful. Bored, even. Empty spaces rattling around in my head. Sometimes it’s even hard to accomplish small tasks because I’m so lazy.
I didn’t clean my house or empty closets. I didn’t decorate or hang photos. I should have because I never had the time for it before. Instead, I made my back deck a peaceful oasis where I spend at least two hours every morning chatting on the phone or listening to music.
The kids survived the first weeks of school and have realized they like mom being around. The routines have started and I don’t mind. I know this time is short.
But, for now, for this season, I simply live, love and breathe. Nothing more.