Notes To Self

I wrote this for myself one night when I probably had a few drinks too many and was just pondering the situation with Bennett.

When I read it the next day, I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt about it. The depth of emotion seems to be much stronger than I actually seem to feel, or at least that I’m aware of. Maybe the alcohol loosened something deeper within.

I suppose I continue to try and convince myself that the only way ahead is out, and I can’t fully embrace the thought of letting him go.


Notes to self:
How do you let go of something you have longed for and finally found? The man who loves you for everything you are and all the things you can be.

The one who won’t be afraid of your bad days and will be there to hold you tight when you are scared? Be the one who will worship you? Care for you? Protect you? Hold your pedestal so you can shine?

The one who, when you look in his eyes, you know you have found him? That one.

Somehow, the one you were not looking for and would have overlooked, in fact, is that one.

Not the most handsome, or every ideal you set for yourself…but magnetic to you in a way that is, frankly, inexplicable.

That one, the one who could have been “the one” long ago. But not now. You keep telling yourself that.

You have to let go because he’s not yours and cannot be. He is tethered elsewhere in this world. Although he dreams of being with you, even he knows, deep down, this cannot be. It cannot be specifically because of the man he is. The man he is stays and fulfills the obligations he has created. No matter how much this man dreams of loving you to the end of time, he ultimately will not make that choice. He will choose his family first.

This is why you love him. (Is this love?)

The man he is is one to admire. His qualities only make you long for more of him. But he will not choose you.
And you know, deep down, that’s not what you want.

The base desire for you is to find the one who will forsake everything for you. You want to be the pinnacle, the ultimate everything, to that one.

While he believes he needs you, you know what you need and he can’t give it to you. You need to be the only one. The first one. The priority. He cannot do that because of the man he is. He will not forsake anything in his life for you. He has built a perfect shell of a life and he must live it. He made his path long ago and he will not leave it. He must fulfill what he considers his destiny.

As much as we want to convince him that our love is intertwined in his destiny, we will not. He needs to make these determinations for himself. But he won’t. He will let go first. He will not fight or chase or cry for you. He just won’t.

He has already shown you this more than once. He is not going to fight for you. He WILL let you go. When push comes to shove, he will let go.

You feel shame again because you do not feel this way about your life. When you find the one, you will sacrifice everything to be with that one. You already know you will do this.

But you need to release not only the shame but that old dream. The dream of finding the one. This one. Somehow he stumbled into our path, and he probably wasn’t meant to.

He cannot be the one now. You cannot make him. He will not make that choice and you will ultimately lose. His choice will be his family. Not you.

You must find the one who is going to choose you.

He is not the one. He will not choose you.

You must remember that.

Or else, you are in for a world of hurt worse than the last time.

The tears today will be nothing compared to the tears if you give yourself to him completely. He cannot change his situation. His dreams are of his children, not a life with you, no matter how much this seems like his desire….it will not happen

You must remember this.

Put yourself first. Do not give yourself to someone who cannot truly, be yours.


Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

6 thoughts on “Notes To Self”

  1. Oye. I just went through something similar with Beaut, and am picking up the pieces. While I always knew he was the One-not-the-Onw, and I knew deep down that sooner or later, it would have to end, ending it has been awful, and I am crippled by the fear that that’s it. He was the One. I’ll never again find someone that made me that joyful.

    And my fear is legit. But it still needed to end.

    Sucks. Good luck, I “look forward” to seeing how you sort through this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Madelyn I adore you and nothing I say is out of judgment but concern for your well being. You seem to have a type. The more unavailable the better. You are right that the relationship between these men and their wives is between them and have no reason to feel guilt over the situation, HOWEVER, I feel maybe you should modify that to only one night stands as you have a type and they tend to be married. You deserve to be someone’s first priority but you can’t be if they are married. You can only keep your heart at bay to an extent. It has plans of its own and will follow it’s own designs rather your brain allows it to or not. You are very deserving of love, being someone’s #1 and them being a quality human being. Don’t settle for less.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Wow, I’m sat on my couch with tears streaming down my face – I think you wrote this for every woman in your situation, certainly mine. I spend many a night justifying to myself why I’m still here, in the place I am. Then telling myself I need to get out. Easier said than done. We humans sure are a complicated animal.
    I love your writing and have been a follower of your adventure for a while.


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