Broken

It was inevitable. I had to cut ties with Bennett.

Along the way, the gravity of his status began to weigh on me, certainly more than it ever did with any of the others.

This is probably because he was inexperienced in having affairs, particularly an emotional affair. He had played outside his marriage but they were all one night things and he claims he never had intercourse or slept with anyone.  Based on his behavior I believe it.

There wasn’t a very particular reason it happened when it did, more like a feeling that was all too familiar which I know I don’t want to experience. He was away for the weekend and offered to stop by to see me on his way home.

Of course I agreed and we began planning. I could tell my timing wouldn’t work for him, there was too much of a gap where he would need to explain and he said he just couldn’t manage to see me. I was disappointed, but I understood.

During the weekend, as the reality of not seeing me for even longer began to set in, he said he would “figure it out” on the way home Sunday and would be definitely stopping by to see me.

The second time he offered, I hesitated. I had changed plans and made a spa appointment that I didn’t want to cancel. I explained this to him and he seemed to have understood, but in hindsight I knew he hadn’t been paying attention.  Nothing had changed in his timing, desire had fogged his mind. I explained again that my spa appointment was late and I could only see him after. He still agreed.

I began to feel some excitement over seeing him the next day.

Some time the next evening, when he actually began to plan to see me, he asked the timing and I could hear the hesitation in his voice.  I knew what was coming. He couldn’t come to see me because there would be no explanation for the lapse of time.

The minute I felt that, I shot a text in anger “I’m done” and realized, angry or not, it needed to be the truth.

He told me how upset he was and didn’t want to let this come between us but I explained it wasn’t the miscommunication, it was the fact that he was married.  And each time I’m placed second to his marriage, I’m going to be upset and I just don’t want that.

He told me that can’t happen because he loves me.

He just doesn’t  see clearly.

We had a small exchange and his last words were “if you want to throw in the towel, that’s your decision, there is nothing I can do about it.”

In fact, yes there was Bennett…but the things you could have done are all the stuff my nonsensical romantic dreams are made of. You could have called and begged my forgiveness. You could have showed up and kissed me deeply. You could have sent a text.

But you did nothing.

I realize I wanted you to chase me a bit and you didn’t. Even though you said you would, you didn’t.

And I accept that as ok.

I didn’t expect to make it through an entire day without hearing from you at all, but I did.

I definitely didn’t expect to feel that weak broken feeling in my chest, but I did.

And I most certainly didn’t expect tears, but they came. Not torrents, but more than I would have ever anticipated. Which shows me I was probably doing a very good job at suppressing my feelings towards you just because I had to. Those feelings were creeping in and I was letting them.

I am caught off guard at the grief I am experiencing. It’s an all too familiar pain, but if I had to compare it to before, this is nothing, like getting a shot at the doctor rather than having an amputation – that kind of nothing.

Still, it’s there. I have feelings for Bennett though I can’t exactly identify what they mean, I now know they are really there.

Maybe it’s good he didn’t call or text because I am certain I would have succumbed. I feel longing for him in these first hours without him.

I have it in my head that no one has ever loved me quite like that, with that kind of force.  It’s not true, it happened when I was young before I was married, but that was childhood love, this was quite different.  Of course, we all ascribe it to limerence and not love anyway, but for those of you who have experienced it, it sure as fuck feels like love.

I don’t know what’s ahead. I will be very surprised if he doesn’t contact me at all, I have to admit it.  For all his declarations  of love…..

Well, we will see.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

22 thoughts on “Broken”

  1. This is all very interesting. I was under the impression that you enjoyed him, and couldn’t quite identify your attraction to him (once past the physical), and that he was the one head over heels dumbstruck. Now you’ve added some more complex emotions (okay, maybe “complex” isn’t the right word) to it and now you’re feeling the loss. It’s interesting how you kept saying before that you had to cut it off, but you continued to engage him, and in this post you felt the anger of being “second.” There’s no judgement here, I’m just working through the points. It’s tough to break up no matter what you’re breaking up…. and the fact that he is so clearly attached to his situation feels like rejection. Nobody’s ego can take that without a scratch. Here’s to hoping you can move past this quickly.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Well I think I did identify part of the attraction in my last post. Bennett could have been “the one” many years ago. But he’s not the one for now. And I do think complex is the right word because I can’t fully figure why I don’t do what’s in my best interest and stick with those decisions.

      You are right. It does feel like rejection and I voiced that to him.

      He will let me go because he doesn’t want me hurt. He claims nothing is worse than the fact that he causes me any kind of hurt, ever.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Clearly I am very good at suppressing my feelings when I want to. But this time I can’t allow it to continue to the point where I am going to really hurt myself. That pain is still raw enough under the surface that I remember it.

      But to answer your question, I am not as in control of myself as I would like to be.

      Like

  2. So…is it “yay” or “sigh?” Was there evidence (since you mentioned being second) of him refusing to end things with his wife? If he wanted out, having you would be the perfect solution…I think….but you’re right. He didn’t seem to be willing to fight for you. That would end it for me as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sad to read about your sadness. As the Urban Cowboy song goes, “Looking for love in all the wrong places.”

    It seems to me while your head was saying all the right, practical things (he’s married, he’s not sexually adventurous, etc.), your heart was secretly beating quickly because it so wanted the connection and intimacy.

    I venture to say that your tears were perhaps due to the quashing of your illusion that a relationship with Bennett could be something it never could be. You have a tender, romantic heart that wants to be cherished. You will find it – it just isn’t Bennett.

    Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

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