It was inevitable. I had to cut ties with Bennett.
Along the way, the gravity of his status began to weigh on me, certainly more than it ever did with any of the others.
This is probably because he was inexperienced in having affairs, particularly an emotional affair. He had played outside his marriage but they were all one night things and he claims he never had intercourse or slept with anyone. Based on his behavior I believe it.
There wasn’t a very particular reason it happened when it did, more like a feeling that was all too familiar which I know I don’t want to experience. He was away for the weekend and offered to stop by to see me on his way home.
Of course I agreed and we began planning. I could tell my timing wouldn’t work for him, there was too much of a gap where he would need to explain and he said he just couldn’t manage to see me. I was disappointed, but I understood.
During the weekend, as the reality of not seeing me for even longer began to set in, he said he would “figure it out” on the way home Sunday and would be definitely stopping by to see me.
The second time he offered, I hesitated. I had changed plans and made a spa appointment that I didn’t want to cancel. I explained this to him and he seemed to have understood, but in hindsight I knew he hadn’t been paying attention. Nothing had changed in his timing, desire had fogged his mind. I explained again that my spa appointment was late and I could only see him after. He still agreed.
I began to feel some excitement over seeing him the next day.
Some time the next evening, when he actually began to plan to see me, he asked the timing and I could hear the hesitation in his voice. I knew what was coming. He couldn’t come to see me because there would be no explanation for the lapse of time.
The minute I felt that, I shot a text in anger “I’m done” and realized, angry or not, it needed to be the truth.
He told me how upset he was and didn’t want to let this come between us but I explained it wasn’t the miscommunication, it was the fact that he was married. And each time I’m placed second to his marriage, I’m going to be upset and I just don’t want that.
He told me that can’t happen because he loves me.
He just doesn’t see clearly.
We had a small exchange and his last words were “if you want to throw in the towel, that’s your decision, there is nothing I can do about it.”
In fact, yes there was Bennett…but the things you could have done are all the stuff my nonsensical romantic dreams are made of. You could have called and begged my forgiveness. You could have showed up and kissed me deeply. You could have sent a text.
But you did nothing.
I realize I wanted you to chase me a bit and you didn’t. Even though you said you would, you didn’t.
And I accept that as ok.
I didn’t expect to make it through an entire day without hearing from you at all, but I did.
I definitely didn’t expect to feel that weak broken feeling in my chest, but I did.
And I most certainly didn’t expect tears, but they came. Not torrents, but more than I would have ever anticipated. Which shows me I was probably doing a very good job at suppressing my feelings towards you just because I had to. Those feelings were creeping in and I was letting them.
I am caught off guard at the grief I am experiencing. It’s an all too familiar pain, but if I had to compare it to before, this is nothing, like getting a shot at the doctor rather than having an amputation – that kind of nothing.
Still, it’s there. I have feelings for Bennett though I can’t exactly identify what they mean, I now know they are really there.
Maybe it’s good he didn’t call or text because I am certain I would have succumbed. I feel longing for him in these first hours without him.
I have it in my head that no one has ever loved me quite like that, with that kind of force. It’s not true, it happened when I was young before I was married, but that was childhood love, this was quite different. Of course, we all ascribe it to limerence and not love anyway, but for those of you who have experienced it, it sure as fuck feels like love.
I don’t know what’s ahead. I will be very surprised if he doesn’t contact me at all, I have to admit it. For all his declarations of love…..
Well, we will see.