Finding a Clue

Things with Bennett haven’t changed, especially considering I have been away.  He missed me much more than I missed him, but the truth is,  we communicate so much that I didn’t have a chance to really *miss* him.   

If there’s a free moment, Bennett fills it with text or phone calls. He’s not a nuisance, not at all, he is quite considerate of time with family, but he’s ever-present and completely reliable. 

When I returned, I figured Bennett would try to make plans to see me. 

Nope. 

That was frustrating. He admited he didn’t have a plan. And I was about to have 2 kid free weeks. 

He had to drop his daughter at college the weekend I returned, so I was well aware I couldn’t see him then, but I figured he would plan for the coming week. 

Nope.

So, I went ahead and made my own plans and when he does consider asking me out, maybe it will be a free night and maybe it won’t. 

This seems strange to me considering how smitten he is…so I wonder what else is going on at home that he is working around. I don’t ask because I don’t care.  Too many questions and getting to close will be the kiss of death for me. 

It occurred to me, entirely randomly after one of our conversations over the weekend, what draws me to Bennett. He is the type of man I would have married 25 years ago. He would have been a perfect choice for the old me. I even bet we could have been happy together. He has all the qualities I needed (wanted?) back in the days. He is an amazing father, friend and provider. He has a bit of an edge but is the type of true-blue guy through and through.  Intelligent, musical, ambitious and hard-working. He has many friends and a strong family unit. 

I don’t know how this little nugget of information finally filtered to the top of my conscious but there it is and I’m certain that’s the draw. He has a familiarity to him I can’t resist. Like an old dream that was never fulfilled. 

The trick is I know I’m not the old M anymore, and that dream is dead and gone. The time for that man is past. That man, the one I could have married 25 years ago isn’t the man I should be with today. 

I wonder if some of the things Bennett sees in me are the old M come to surface. Of course lots of those qualities are still evident and alive (motherhood being the biggest and most obvious) but I wonder if subconsciously I am acting any differently. I don’t think so but the thought has occurred to me. 

As I’ve written before, Bennett is also very quick to adjust to me. And certainly, the things he adjusts to are the new and improved M qualities. I know he is caught in my wake and will do anything to stay there.  Thats something I never got from my X.  There was never any adjustment. 

I still find immense curiosity related to Bennett and this is surely a piece of the puzzle.  The way he loves me, the way he communicates his love to me, engage me because I have never had anything quite like this in my life.  

Admittedly, I’m a bit Star-struck by his love (limerence) and can’t let go.  The thing is, I have said it before, and I know it – let go I must. 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

8 thoughts on “Finding a Clue”

    1. There are things that are very comfortable. You are right Laurel. The sense of safety for instance. He is the type of man I can depend on (oh if he weren’t married) but I have to forget all the good things he is and focus on the fact he’s married.

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