I haven’t written much about Bennett over the course of the 6 weeks we’ve known one another.
(I know it’s exactly 6 weeks because he reminds me, every week)
I have my reasons for that. He’s married and he lives as home. I don’t want to discuss the cons of this relationship. It’s also not Bobby all over again. It’s something different and I well know how I should be guarding myself. I am to some extent.
I’m owning where I am at the moment.
For better or worse I realize how safe I feel with Bennett. It’s not the sex, sex is ok when it happens but he has significant mechanical issues that should make me run for the hills. Actually, there’s a host of issues he’s just revealed that I am unsure I can (or want to) cope with. With Bennett its a different kind of endorphin. His limerence is so strong it pulls me into its orbit. I want to give him happiness. Seeing him come alive with me is a pretty heady feeling. If I could articulate exactly what draws me to Bennett, maybe I would be in a better place. Maybe that’s what I’m trying to do in this post.
He admitted last week he was hopelessly in love with me. I knew. I’ve known for weeks that it was something like love at first sight. He didn’t want to admit it because he knows it’s crazy. He is trying his best to hang on to some perceived semblance of normal behavior in his attraction for me. Spending an overnight together last week pushed the envelope for him. All that time together got him to a point of having to admit his feelings.
Bennett has demonstrated intense jealousy on more than one occasion. I have handled this with care and have been honest in replying to his questions. But he avoids the right questions and skirts the issues. When he does this he is reminding himself that “he has no right to be jealous in his situation.” I don’t correct him and only tell him that I will be honest so be careful what he asks for. He saw a text on my phone with some emoji hearts from a man, he was so upset he couldn’t perform that night.
What can you possibly say back to someone who professes such deep and hopeless love? I had to explain as gently as possible that I wasn’t there with him, nor would I allow myself to have those feelings. I won’t do it again. I can’t.
But yet, here it is 6 weeks on.
The scariest part for me is that Bennett is very, eerily similar to my x. Not bad traits, just ones like which music he likes or which radio celebrity. They are both kind of pop culture fanatics (F.Dot leanora – I could leave you two alone for days!). He is such a good man, proud of how he provides for his family and the type of man he is to other people. He’s respectable and highly admired. He’s an amazing family man. He’s also a world-class exec for a major media company, yet has no pretense what-so-ever. In my opinion, he is happy with simple things, worried about money, doesn’t dream big and can just keep plugging forward doing what needs to be done.
We all know that’s not for me.
Or so I’ve said.
I have come to embrace my spoiled and pretentious side. My naughty side. All these things are part of what makes me, me.
So why do I let this continue when I know it ends in inevitable heartbreak for him? Why would I do something that hurt me to someone else and allow Bennett to experience that pain? Why do I allow myself a slow attachment to what he is giving me?
Simple answers don’t abound.
There are characteristics about Bennett that draw me in and keep me tethered….
He pays attention to me and course corrects.
He thinks about it before he addresses something.
He is so drawn to me that I influence him.
He wants to please me.
He wants to be the world to me.
Bennett wants to figure it out and be the man I so desire. As he has said to me “come hell or high water, I will be those things for you.”
I believe that he sees a little of my crazy adventure and wants some for himself, wants to join me on the wild ride. I think he’s never had doors opened like this before, both emotionally and sexually. He is so enamored with my free spirit side that it’s like addiction for him.
He calls his life before me “pedestrian” and tells me his eyes and heart have opened up since meeting me. He tells me I have brought him back to life and he is feeling and experiencing things he hasn’t felt in more years than he can recall.
The thing is, the opposite to my free spirit is not something Bennett is going to like. At least, I can assume so. He thinks he sees a strong-minded woman raising three teens and doing a good job and neglects to see how much I don’t really enjoy motherhood at the moment. That I am desperate to get back to work and stop with the mundane part of parenting. Somehow, he sees others from divorced families as an issue but refuses to put me into the same bucket (this comment has irked me – “he’s a child of divorce” – that’s not the be-all-end-all of poor parenting). Bennett stays in his poor situation because he chooses to be a better father instead of a selfish individual. He takes one for his team. I didn’t do it that way, I took the selfish route. So what he likes so much about me is what he can’t be himself. He likes (loves) me so much that he can’t see me.
I’m sure he can’t see me because he believes that the biggest roadblock to a relationship with me is his marriage.
He can’t see out of that hole.
But I do. I am free and capable of thinking beyond that. Thinking about the “what ifs” with Bennett.
The curiosity for me is that each time I think he’s not for me, he does something sort of extraordinary for me. He finds a way in. I don’t like that I admire him so much. It makes him hard not to like.
But even when I thought he could never embrace the side of me that is downright spoiled and pretentious, he does.
When I think he can’t accept my naughtiness, he shows a sincere interest (I see a little fear there too 😬)
When I think he won’t, he does.
I can’t stay here with Bennett – regardless of if there can be legs in a relationship or not – he has such a road ahead of him. I don’t want to be a part of it. I know this.
I have told him this but we don’t get far with the discussion. He gets so heartbroken that I eventually just let it go.
And while I know that all humans are complicated, he might be too complex for me. There might be too much baggage for me to carry with him. I don’t think I can. I think I’m too selfish to help someone as much as I think he needs help.
The problem there is that he believes my sheer being, my presence, my attention gives him all he needs. That can’t be true but he’s got himself convinced that’s all he needs from me.
The way he wants to love me is scary…yet something I have always desired. Is my fascination with his love what holds me here? His ability to think I’m so perfect for him that he is unable to see anything differently?
So now I have to find my own courage to let go of something that has drawn me in close and held me tight. Given me safety, attention, admiration, respect and love. I have to do what’s right.
I know I do.