50 First Dates | July Edition

April: 7 first dates, 2 second dates

May: 3 first dates, 1 second date

June: 5 first dates, 0 second dates

3 months and 15 first dates. I had to read the description of a serial-dater to make sure I’m not becoming one!

There are several things going on that make dating difficult right now:

I’m not working, so matching in my city of choice is fuck-all hard. Men get scared they have to cross a river.  I don’t mind being flexible and going into the city for a date but no one even wants to show interest and all these apps tell your GPS location. It’s super frustrating.

I actually had virtually all my free time booked with friends or family in July.  Finding a date night has actually been tough to do.  Strangely enough, I don’t like to be busy every single night, I need some me time!

I think I hit a bit of rock bottom emotionally.  Ambivalence has taken over.

Finally, and admittedly, my hearts not in it.  I think we all get disappointed in trying to date. It’s hard work, no matter how well you do with your choices there is still ultimately some rejection (yours or theirs, doesn’t even matter) and you just get tired of starting over-and-over-and-over.  Am I right?

I’m not complaining exactly, I just feel out of sorts with my life so dating hasn’t been a priority.   While I am somewhat desperate to have great sex, I need that chemistry so badly that random sex actually proves to be harder for me to find than others who have less stringent criteria.  Because my regular dating criteria apply even for causal sex, it makes for slim choices because I’m so darn picky.  And the thought of the round robin of starting over and over and over turns my stomach at the moment.

After July vacation, I made the decision to delete the dating apps and slow down.  This eliminated much hope for 1st dates unless I had a prior connection.

Finnian and I had a bit of falling out, and I have not pursued seeing him again.   I actually feel a tiny bit guilty over this, but it’s the right thing to do.  We have just started talking again this week and I have come entirely clean with him that if he wants to start-up as full friends with utterly no sex, that’s fine.  He needs to think about that and so do I.  Luckily, my time is so limited there is no chance to see him for several weeks ahead.

Ayden had pretty much fallen off the map since our serious conversation and that was ok too. I knew once I approached the elephant in the room that it was most likely over between us, but that wasn’t what happened.  We had two dates in July, felt better connected and the sex was pretty hot, but other issues have arisen that make me wonder if I can sustain much longer with him.

I was hoping the Denver or Boston sexy ones would be back in town for some fun in July, but that’s not how it worked out. I do hear from them both, just checking in.

I also had that one stupid scammer that never amounted to anything.

So, here’s where July nets out:

  1. Bennett (as well as 2nd/3rd/4th dates)
  2. Myles

I really just need a break from the gerbil wheel of on-line dating….my man-bucket is full and I can’t really seem to enjoy what I have enough, so why bother bringing more meaningless men into it?

It still bothers me that I am not having good sex on a consistent basis.  More than I can truly explain.   I know this is partially why I continue to make poor dating decisions.  I really, really, really want to have good, connective sex.  This drive or desire burns at me and it’s one of the few things I still have yet to learn to control.  I am deathly afraid to ever go back to a sexless state, even when it’s only for a short time.  This fear terrorizes me. I feel like it’s one of the last pieces of the puzzle to finally move out of making poor dating choices.  Ayden and Bennett fit squarely into this category.

I cannot quite figure out the sex piece.  My brain is not wired for entirely casual, random sex to fulfill my needs which is, in large part, why I don’t let go of the men I am currently connected to.  I am not interested in Adult  Friend finder or meeting men to have sex with as a one-and-done.  At least, I have finally acknowledged this much about myself.  I don’t need commitment, but I need consistency.

I like that connection that a man provides, and I like the romance……and I want the sex so badly.  I do suspect I am lonely on some level and desire companionship which is the reason that Bennett and Ayden are still in the picture….while I am mostly ok being alone, I like the fact that I get the attention.  I just wish my head was in a better place about all of it.

This week brings a few repeat dates, then the kids and I leave on 2 weeks of vacation.

However, the last 2 weeks of the month I have no kids and not a damn thing to do.  While this sounds great in theory, I have had 12 weeks now of nothing to do, so I was looking forward to doing “something” special those last two weeks.  I wanted to go away on vacation, with someone (could have been a guy or a friend) but somewhere unique and different.  Maybe I set up the scenario in my head and I’m making more of the disappointment than I should.  But I had two kid-free, work-free weeks and the means to do something, and I’m not.  I don’t want to travel alone, there is no joy in that for me, so I’m still contemplating what I can do those weeks.  I’m still debating getting on a plane and just getting myself to Bali, but the thought of doing it alone is more depressing than anything else.  I know people find lots of pleasure in doing this (traveling alone) but I don’t and never have.  I’m gearing up to get ready to be working in September (I have my mind-set of getting a job soon, even if that is unrealistic, it’s the image I am painting for myself so I can focus on the control it delivers) and wanted to have August be a month of new adventures, first with the kids, then for myself.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

11 thoughts on “50 First Dates | July Edition”

  1. I totally get what you are saying M about the consistency part. I had hoped for a summer full of new adventures too. while yes I have met a really great lover I’ve only seen once so far, I have my doubts that he will stick around. But who knows. He made it very clear to me that “It’s just sex” because he is going to be newly divorced soon.
    Seems the good ones I do converse with are too busy with their lives to even meet up at all. Sigh!!!!!!
    I too am on AFF, yet I have not met anyone new from that site for a while now. And most are just in it for a hi goodbye it seems. Get their nut and split. Ummmm…. No thanks!!
    I have however met a few from that site that have ended up being good friends/lovers. One of which since moving away from my state not even 3 hours away, has decided to ghost me after a 3 year close and caring fwb situation. This saddens me greatly. 😦 I really don’t know what to make of his behavior.
    I hope you’ll find what you need M.
    We just have to brave the jungle out there. Weed them out right?

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  2. You know I like to read between the lines or look for seemingly “cast off” comments, and I’ve been quiet for a while, so here goes… There are a number of things, should you care to look deep within, that you may want to think about (so these questions are pretty much rhetorical…)

    Why are you so afraid to go back to something sexless? Since lots is within your control (remember: locus of control), you have the ability to change your criteria / approach etc., in order to get sex. You aren’t interested in men who aren’t open sexually so practically, where is this fear coming from? Why would you put yourself in that situation again?

    Just FYI, using AFF doesn’t mean “once and done”… It’s possible to find people looking for ongoing sexual relationships that remain casual. But I’m reading your need for romance / attention etc outweighs the sex need.

    You say “I suspect I am lonely at some level”… Pretty sure based on what you’ve already written, you ARE lonely, or afraid of being so. Might be good to think more about what happens if you are lonely and why perhaps being alone and accepting of such may be good for you. You’re already identifying the bad dating behaviors that are happening to avoid the situation.

    What is it that drives you to need attention / romance to your ultimate detriment? Or get the “romance” when it’s devoid of commitment or any potential?

    And finally, something I see in your writing sometimes is along the lines of “I’m not”, “never have been”, “won’t ever like”… And I’d humbly suggest you can throw those rules / restrictions out the window. You took the step to move past your marriage, you’re exploring so much… Why continue to limit yourself? When you say (just an example) you’ve “never” liked something, does it apply just to your pre-marriage life? Perhaps you don’t give yourself enough credit for the ability to make different decisions / alter your behaviour / change whatever you want. I raise it because these can be very self limiting thoughts – and given everything you’ve been through, why set any limits? Try new stuff / ways / behaviors… Some you’ll say “yup, not for me”, but you might surprise yourself 🙂

    xoxo

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    1. Ok this takes some time to answer each point.

      I am not afraid but terrified of being without sex for long – not because I wouldn’t choose good sex, of course I will – but I have an innate fear that the combo of the “right” guy and “good sex” is so fucking elusive that it terrifies me. I wouldn’t put myself in a sexless situation but I fear finding the “one” may be somewhat of a difficult quest (yes hello to all of us who date and write sex blogs – these perfect men are rare)

      You and I always disagree on the lonely part. I see having a partner as a way to complete myself and don’t buy into the theory that I have to be complete on my own. No amount of convincing is going to change my mind. I firmly believe I want another human to share my path and I will be happy ultimately.

      I think you are wrong about the “never”‘part, too. I’m never going to like traveling alone. Been there done that and it’s not for me. So I do subscribe to the belief it’s good to debunk a couple of those “I couldn’t do it before so let me try again (I try new foods all the time now!) but spending thousands on a long distance vacation to end up unhappy is not worth the risk. I guess I see it as risk/benefit and this case the risk out weighs any potential for benefit. So some of my “nevers and not for me’s” I’m positive will remain just that.

      I think there are just some things where we know ourselves. Maybe some of those thoughts are limiting but why should it matter if we have limits. Other thoughts are very broad and open minded. I think there’s a balance. And while I tend to think I am somewhat enlightened and open to learning – sometimes I just don’t want to. And for me, it’s that simple.

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      1. I meant it when I said they were rhetorical questions.

        You said you were lonely – I’m not debating whether you need a man or not to deal with that loneliness. But if you connect having a man with not being lonely / being happy / being complete then you are in for a continued world of hurt until you find a man, and you’re prone to making bad decisions just to have someone around. There are other ways to not be lonely.

        I too have said I want someone around – I want someone to share my path but I can be happy without it. Happier with someone, for sure.

        I wasn’t referring to travel in particular at all. It was a general comment about what I see in your posts. Of course we have limits, there’s nothing wrong with that nor did I imply there was. This is only about the things you are struggling with and the “never’s” you mention which if you were open to challenging them, could help.

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