April: 7 first dates, 2 second dates
May: 3 first dates, 1 second date
June: 5 first dates, 0 second dates
3 months and 15 first dates. I had to read the description of a serial-dater to make sure I’m not becoming one!
There are several things going on that make dating difficult right now:
I’m not working, so matching in my city of choice is fuck-all hard. Men get scared they have to cross a river. I don’t mind being flexible and going into the city for a date but no one even wants to show interest and all these apps tell your GPS location. It’s super frustrating.
I actually had virtually all my free time booked with friends or family in July. Finding a date night has actually been tough to do. Strangely enough, I don’t like to be busy every single night, I need some me time!
I think I hit a bit of rock bottom emotionally. Ambivalence has taken over.
Finally, and admittedly, my hearts not in it. I think we all get disappointed in trying to date. It’s hard work, no matter how well you do with your choices there is still ultimately some rejection (yours or theirs, doesn’t even matter) and you just get tired of starting over-and-over-and-over. Am I right?
I’m not complaining exactly, I just feel out of sorts with my life so dating hasn’t been a priority. While I am somewhat desperate to have great sex, I need that chemistry so badly that random sex actually proves to be harder for me to find than others who have less stringent criteria. Because my regular dating criteria apply even for causal sex, it makes for slim choices because I’m so darn picky. And the thought of the round robin of starting over and over and over turns my stomach at the moment.
After July vacation, I made the decision to delete the dating apps and slow down. This eliminated much hope for 1st dates unless I had a prior connection.
Finnian and I had a bit of falling out, and I have not pursued seeing him again. I actually feel a tiny bit guilty over this, but it’s the right thing to do. We have just started talking again this week and I have come entirely clean with him that if he wants to start-up as full friends with utterly no sex, that’s fine. He needs to think about that and so do I. Luckily, my time is so limited there is no chance to see him for several weeks ahead.
Ayden had pretty much fallen off the map since our serious conversation and that was ok too. I knew once I approached the elephant in the room that it was most likely over between us, but that wasn’t what happened. We had two dates in July, felt better connected and the sex was pretty hot, but other issues have arisen that make me wonder if I can sustain much longer with him.
I was hoping the Denver or Boston sexy ones would be back in town for some fun in July, but that’s not how it worked out. I do hear from them both, just checking in.
I also had that one stupid scammer that never amounted to anything.
So, here’s where July nets out:
I really just need a break from the gerbil wheel of on-line dating….my man-bucket is full and I can’t really seem to enjoy what I have enough, so why bother bringing more meaningless men into it?
It still bothers me that I am not having good sex on a consistent basis. More than I can truly explain. I know this is partially why I continue to make poor dating decisions. I really, really, really want to have good, connective sex. This drive or desire burns at me and it’s one of the few things I still have yet to learn to control. I am deathly afraid to ever go back to a sexless state, even when it’s only for a short time. This fear terrorizes me. I feel like it’s one of the last pieces of the puzzle to finally move out of making poor dating choices. Ayden and Bennett fit squarely into this category.
I cannot quite figure out the sex piece. My brain is not wired for entirely casual, random sex to fulfill my needs which is, in large part, why I don’t let go of the men I am currently connected to. I am not interested in Adult Friend finder or meeting men to have sex with as a one-and-done. At least, I have finally acknowledged this much about myself. I don’t need commitment, but I need consistency.
I like that connection that a man provides, and I like the romance……and I want the sex so badly. I do suspect I am lonely on some level and desire companionship which is the reason that Bennett and Ayden are still in the picture….while I am mostly ok being alone, I like the fact that I get the attention. I just wish my head was in a better place about all of it.
This week brings a few repeat dates, then the kids and I leave on 2 weeks of vacation.
However, the last 2 weeks of the month I have no kids and not a damn thing to do. While this sounds great in theory, I have had 12 weeks now of nothing to do, so I was looking forward to doing “something” special those last two weeks. I wanted to go away on vacation, with someone (could have been a guy or a friend) but somewhere unique and different. Maybe I set up the scenario in my head and I’m making more of the disappointment than I should. But I had two kid-free, work-free weeks and the means to do something, and I’m not. I don’t want to travel alone, there is no joy in that for me, so I’m still contemplating what I can do those weeks. I’m still debating getting on a plane and just getting myself to Bali, but the thought of doing it alone is more depressing than anything else. I know people find lots of pleasure in doing this (traveling alone) but I don’t and never have. I’m gearing up to get ready to be working in September (I have my mind-set of getting a job soon, even if that is unrealistic, it’s the image I am painting for myself so I can focus on the control it delivers) and wanted to have August be a month of new adventures, first with the kids, then for myself.