A Stupid Grin Did Him In?

While ASV was in town she had made plans to meet a blog friend late one evening so I figured I might as well make use of my time in the city and meet one of the lingering Bumble matches I had sitting in my queue from the week before.

Myles was perfect to my initial superficial criteria: 6’1″, dark full head of hair, handsome, well-educated, great career and full of ambition.  He was also an award-winning retired ballroom dancer.  We chatted pleasantly, but not frequently, and left most of the talk for the date.  I spoke to him on the phone to arrange the actual meeting and his voice was lovely.  The only thing I forgot was to ask if he smoked but I made the assumption that anyone in competitive sports such as dancing, probably didn’t smoke.  Sometimes these screening questions just slip my mind.

Luckily, he didn’t smoke as I suspected!

Myles arrived to the restaurant where Ann and I were having dinner.  We had planned that he would be introduced but that we would leave immediately so Ann could have her time with her blog friend and Myles and I would have our first date.  I was pleased with his appearance when he arrived and the fact he knew exactly where he wanted to take me for drinks based on my love of all things Bubbly!


And, two weeks later, I still can’t write this ridiculous story.  Apathy has taken hold and has its roots firmly planted now.

It finally occurred to me why.

I don’t really have anything to say about Myles (I even thought naming him might help move the post along, but it didn’t).

The bottom line is that we had a nice date, he came back to my hotel room, we fooled around a little bit and said goodnight with the promise of meeting again.

The point of the title of the post was generated because while we were fooling around, partially undressed, he kept smiling.  A big, full, silly smile.  And it bothered me.

Yep, his grin was almost foolishly happy and it bothered me.

I can’t quite explain how I have become hyper-focused on something so utterly inane.

And that is it, that was going to be the entire point of the post.  Which, ultimately, I thought was pretty foolish for a post.  Yet, here I am writing it anyway.

Which leads to another point I’ve been on about the last week, the disconnect to life I am feeling.  Nothing is getting through me lately.  I am going through the motions of it all. I don’t know what I want at the moment, but it seems that whatever I am doing is certainly not it.

Though that sounds like a depression, it’s not.  I am happy overall.  I am lucky to have so much wonderful time with friends and family and even for myself to work on the things I should be working on.  I have some great things coming up on my horizon.  Maybe it is just the dating scene that is clouding the rest of it.

I’m struggling with why I spend any time and energy on Finnian, Ayden or Bennett.  I can come up with a short list of justification, but I know, deep-down, that none of these reasons hold weight, yet I refuse to extricate myself from these relationships which are not viable in any long-term sense.

I suppose it could be worse, having two men who are head-over-heels with me and one who (at least) likes to have sex with me and treat me well.  I keep telling myself this is better than nothing.  I don’t want nothing.  But I don’t want anything I have either.  I don’t want to start over.  I don’t want to keep looking.  I like staying away from the dating apps for a month or more now, it feels good to just know that there is enough entertainment in my pocket to get by on.

Besides the 3 guys I see on a regular basis (though I haven’t seen Finn the past month we have started talking again a little bit), there are 3 others that I chat with somewhat regularly.  I don’t have a lack of engagement if I want it.  But how good is any of it?

Maybe that’s the problem, I don’t generally settle for mediocre.  I moan and complain about leading an average life, but I am settling for average (or less?) romantically at the moment.

Sitting and writing this always sounds like so much more than it is to me. I don’t dwell on these things anymore, whatever feelings I have now in relation to men tend to surface and linger a very short amount of time before they drown themselves again.  I debate with myself if its normal to  have this up-and-down feeling about dating.

I can be challenged to dump them all and go solo for a while.  Well, I don’t want to do that so, in turn, I suppose I see myself as being more accepting of the bad behavior up to a point (and that’s much less bad behavior than I have tolerated in the past).

I can be challenged that I have a deep-seated need to be attached in some form.  So?

I’m going to back to the last story, where those that judge a situation must have that particular situation so under control that they never make mistakes or missteps.  Their dating lives must be ideal, or they have the perfect marriage.  Does that sound like I am defecting myself and my decisions right now?  Yep.  I am.

The thing is, I’m defending them to no one but myself because this debate, this judgement I feel is ONLY coming from within.  My friends think I am wasting time with these men, but most of them don’t see any harm in it as long as I am no longer walking away getting hurt from it.

The right and wrongs of my dating decisions is an internal struggle for me.  I am certain I do not want to let go of who/what I have now, but I am also certain I do not want to allow bad behaviors to continue (mine or theirs).

So what started out as a post about Myles and his silly grin, really turned into a post about the state of my dating life.

Which just makes me thing, every day, how badly I want to get back to work and back into structure in routine that has control over my time and places better limits where I cannot seem to do for myself.






Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

15 thoughts on “A Stupid Grin Did Him In?”

  1. I agree with the friends who think it’s fine as long as you’re not getting hurt. No need to settle unless the man is exactly or damn close to what you want so why not have a little fun? But yeah, that smiling face would freak me out. I’d expect him to grope me with jazz hands and would need to make him leave.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s the Joker! If you keep seeing him, you must rename him the Joker. There could be plenty of blog fodder from this. Seriously though, with dating vs.nothing, I think no harm no foul. Keep yourself busy and enjoy it one day, or one minute, at a time. I agree that being back to work will surely boost your morale on many levels, and you’ll have less time for analyzing. Until then, one day at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

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