Meet: Bennett

I haven’t written about Bennett since we met three weeks ago at a failed Tinder date.

One of the reasons I didn’t write is because I don’t know (and I mean really “know“) why I am engaging with Bennett at all.

He’s still married. And living at home.

I can stop the post here because I know how many of you will go straight to “don’t do it again, M”.  So, if that’s your position, no need to read through the ramble below. I’m not going to make excuses for Bennett.  I know this is wrong and I am working through it.

Let me start by saying the only reasons I can truly come up with for entertaining Bennett at all is because he makes me weak emotionally. Not in some sappy head-over-heels way and not with the butterflies.  I see myself 2-2.5 years ago in Bennett and his situation and I feel his pain, pressure and confusion so immensely that it weakens me.

I want to help him. And as crazy and fucked as it sounds, I feel like giving him his fantasy of me for just a little while can somehow help his transition the way it helped mine years ago.    I know the first man I engaged with outside of my marriage brought back a flood of memories (all good and powerful memories) of the person I wanted to be instead of the person I had allowed myself to become.  Long forgotten desires were unearthed.  Frank (my first lover) made me feel sexual, confident and joyous again. Regardless of the outcome of that relationship, I will never forget the gift of realization. Realization that my marriage was over and that I was fully and wholly alive and still a sexual being after many years of being lost and hopeless in every way: romantically, sexually and emotionally.  Frank gave me the keys to my kingdom.  There was no turning back once I tasted the freedoms and power I found with Frank.

In my warped way, I feel like I can help Bennett do the same.

Bennett is also in complete limerence with me and it’s very, very, very hard to ignore this kind of attention. I’ve never been on the other side of limerence when I haven’t felt it myself.  It’s fucking powerful.

Bennett is not the guy for me. I already know this. Even he already knows this.  But right now he is giving me something that I am sorely missing in my apathetic state: emotion. A whole hell of a lot of emotion.   And connectivity. He makes me feel emotionally connected.

The dating Ferris wheel has deprived me of two major things: basic human attachment (that emotional connection) and the simple ability to believe men are (can be) pretty wonderful human beings.  Bennett reminds me how great it feels when a guy is really and truly saying “fuck, yes!” For you.   

It was all good the first few weeks and that was fine, but when it started to go bad and the hairs on my neck stood up because he reminded me so intensely of my X in just one too many familiar ways….well, I don’t know why I didn’t sever ties then other than the reasons described above.

When I’m really, really attracted to someone I can’t wait to write the post about them. The words come tumbling forth and there is a rush to tell the story.  I’ve been sitting on the Bennett saga for weeks. Dreading to face my own music.

So….I know. I know. Get out. Be kind to him. Do the right thing. Don’t waste your precious emotional energy.

Yet here I sit on the fence. Perched and ready to jump off, but I don’t. I just don’t.

I suppose all of this is selfish motivation? Bennett is in love.  Just feeling that intensity again is a reminder of what I had once.   It sort of makes me a little melancholy. It reminds me how I haven’t found someone to truly replace any/all aspects of Bobby for the past 8 months.  I keep telling myself how unfair this is to Bennett but yet I hold on. I don’t like it, but still I do it.

I have found a new form of  mutalation.   This time I’m not stabbing myself in the eye, I’m stabbing him in his.   I suspect it’s going to hurt him pretty badly when I let go.

And I will let go, of this I am entirely certain.

So, I start to write the story of Bennett in dark shadow I am creating behind the brilliant light of his limerence.

………..

After Bennett reached out and the flirt began, I was sure to ask all the right questions.  Eventually, as he gave up more information, I did the appropriate investigation. I knew what I needed to know before I ever met him. I knew he was lying about his living situation yet I went ahead with the first date anyway.

Bennett had told me that he had moved out of his home and was starting his divorce process.  While this was enough to make me put the breaks on, I did believe his situation based on what his friend had told me at the failed date.  However, once I started checking him out on line, I realized he must be lying about living out of his home. The perception on both his and his wife’s Facebook presence leads me to believe he not only lives at home but still lives under the illusion of an intact family.

My motivation for continuing with the first date was far from altruistic. I knew he was smitten, I thought he was cute, and I figured it was a one-and-done and I was horny.  I had nothing to lose, in my opinion.  I wanted to bask in the glow of his adoration for one evening.

We have a fantastic repartee. He is so easy to talk to and he fills all my down time with chatter and calls. He is in constant communication. I fed the limerence and gave him something he hadn’t felt in many, many years – a crush.  I felt treasured and adored in return. While I knew what was happening, I did try to slow him down. Promising that if I didn’t speak to him every few minutes or answer a text or call immediately it didn’t mean I had given up on him, it just meant I was going about life.

But he had that feeling, that feeling that meant he needed to be in constant contact with me just to know I’m there.  The feeling that if you could crawl up inside someone, you would.

I neglected to remember, in those first few weeks, how intensely limerence can hold you captive.  He could no longer breath without thinking of me. I was his first thought upon waking and his last thought before bed. Every moment I consumed him.  And he told me so. He told me all those wonderfully romantic notions of how he world was spinning on its axis around me. He got me to believe, a little, in the power that love is.  He filled the love bucket with many, many Words of Affirmation.

But the grip of limerence was so strong he was also debilitated by it,  meaning his heart was on the line. One wrong move and this house of cards come crashing down.

And that’s exactly what ultimately happened. And I watched most of it like some out of body experience. Not to say it didn’t affect me, it did. But it didn’t hurt me the way it would hurt him.

But back to the story in a more linear fashion.

After our first text conversation, once we started speaking on the phone, Bennett told me he moved out of his home and had been dating. His story was clear enough to believe on the surface, but shaky enough to get me to stalk.

He was so very nervous about meeting me. He kept telling me that no one in the world had affected him the way I had effected him. He insisted he was struck my lightening the moment he saw me across the bar.  I made his heart race and his blood run white hot. He just had to know me. More and more and more about me every day. And every conversation drove him in deeper. He said had I just had a voice like Fran Drescher, or if I wasn’t smart, or if I wasn’t funny he could have, maybe, let it go (and not made initial contact).  But every conversation made my eyes more blue, my lips more full and my smile more broad (his words).

Bennett is a musician with a voice like silk. He is the first person I have ever met where I forget what he looks like when he’s talking or singing to me and he could be “the hottest man on earth” in my sex-addled, dysfunctional brain.  His voice affects me in a way no one else’s has ever gotten under my skin. I could listen to him for hours.

So, I did.

I allowed myself a little fantasy while he was having his.

It was so easy to receive his attention. 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

27 thoughts on “Meet: Bennett”

  1. **So….I know. I know. Get out.**
    Yes. Yes. F*cking YES!
    It’s abundantly difficult not to judge ( I’m judging BIG TIME) a true man who is married and on Tinder. WHaaaAT?
    It says something about his character, morals, values, integrity, respect for women, and more…
    I care about this shit. I can’t help myself.
    Anyhow, I dislike & despise & disrespect him for having his little fantasy at everybody else’s’ expense ( including yours.)
    xx Being truthful in MN.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Bennett is not on Tinder. I met his childhood friend on a Tinder date and he was in the bar with his friend prior to my arrival. He said that he has never been so struck by a woman in his life and contacted me he next day once his friend said he wasn’t interested.

      I believe he is desperate for happiness, as most of us are, and his marriage is over. The fact he is living at home is bothersome and ultimately why I have to exit. But – as many liars as I have met – I do not believe in my gut – that he is lying. His marriage is over and she is also moved on, but they haven’t broken their family up yet.

      Bad situation. Yes. But it doesn’t make him a bad man so I disagree. I lived through exactly the same scenario. Breaking families is tough. Moving out is tough. Not saying he is right. But I disagree about it affecting his moral code because then I would be saying (and you would be saying about me and countless others I know) that being married and finding romance outside a dead marriage means you are devoid of integrity and respect.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well those posts are to follow…do you read the last page of a book before you finish the first chapter?!!! Lol.

        I don’t think Bennett is lying. I do think Bennett is not for me.

        Like

      2. I don’t think he’s lying but I also think it doesn’t matter – as you well know the extrication of one from a marriage can be a lengthy process. Remember people judge themselves on their intentions, not their actions.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Very, VERY difficult to judge a situation based on one side’s interpretation. Based on what you’ve said, it would be easy to make the above conclusions, yet “I” know that there’s always more to any given story. Just like the news, we can’t just assume everything we read/hear is all there is. (This is not to discount you, M, but to point out that you are telling a story from your perspective, and Bennett doesn’t have a voice here.) Gosh, if someone had told me to run away from Todd because “technically” I’m still married and living at home – I wouldn’t have the love and amazing life I have today (that’s assuming I’d ever have listened, which I wouldn’t have). My ex was also seeking a new relationship during this period, knowing that we’d filed for divorce and were waiting to tell the kids until school was out, and he openly told me that he was scared to admit to women his present situation. So, while it still doesn’t change my animosity for him, I saw his dilemma. IMHO – Bennett knows full well what he’s getting himself into, based on what he himself knows of his own situation. No harm, no foul, assuming he’s truthful that the marriage really is over and they’re in that difficult space of processing the technicalities. If he’s really just a philanderer, then you become that other woman aiding and abetting, and then your moral code is compromised. I don’t need to say any of this, I know. You know.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bingo. I actually wrote a little “rant” along these words this morning. It will go up next week.

      No one can know the workings of human beings and the situations. There is no box we are kept in and told to adhere to. Even the word married because ambiguous – I was “married” until THIS May. Formally.

      Only the people in the situation can know the truth and, like you, I knew when my marriage was over LONG before the actual separation or divorce (and from a recent post, my X must have thought so as well since he had a lover).

      It’s a very touchy subject being the cheater/cheated and I don’t think it’s good to be In the middle of the end of a marriage for reasons other than the actual adultery. People coming out of marriage need space more than anything and Bennett needs to do this on his own without me being the impetus.

      I appreciate your comments because I know that any post on this subject causes angst amongst many. But I do believe Bennett. All the signs tell me he is not lying to me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Many people have very personal and emotional reactions about marriage/separation/divorce/waiting on the final papers… so I can only imagine what kinds of reactions anything relating to this subject can cause. I’m not questioning anything here. And you made a very valid point that being involved with someone in the midst of these types of life changes is difficult at best. I believe in many cases there’s so much growth going on, it’s almost impossible that both individuals are in the same place at the same time. I’m fully aware I’m an exception to this.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Lol and here I was commending u thinking there were no married men…I think what you may want to consider is that part of the issue that you’ve had in the past is how much emotions seem to get heightened for you in situations where there is a triangle with another partner. Just thinking of how strong Bobby or R came on but then later on there were the moments when they pulled back. This guy could actually do the same. Men lie about their situations with their partners. Things also changes and sometimes if the man gets interested in someone else, the wife goes back and draws him back to her. If you are really committed to being healthy with your dating, I think no married men is a good boundary to keep. Especially since married men situations for you are like a big fudge sundae that you won’t want to stop eating

    Liked by 4 people

    1. You are right and I agree.

      I started with him under a different premise and now I have to end it. But I will be clear on one thing: no one has quite “fallen” for me so obviously and so immediately. Yes it did happen with R but I never believed him and know I know he’s the type of man to love being in love. I believe Bennett has never experienced this before and it so refreshing to be on this side of a crush.

      Regardless, I will exit.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ah, to be “the first.” I can imagine the pull it has, and especially with the intensity to which he’s drawn to you – not just because you’re smart and beautiful (and sound nothing like Fran Dresher – LOL that cracks me up) but because he probably hasn’t felt these emotions in a very long time. I remember this passage well. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m just going to comment here on the courage it takes to be this honest, both to yourself and to all of your “fans” here. This isn’t easy stuff to admit. Do you feel like he is at present honest about his situation?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I do think he is honest, but I don’t think under ANY circumstance that I can wait around for him to once again exit his home/situation. Once he does, I can reconsider….but not until.

      Truly at the moment I am simply basking in his adoration – rightly or wrongly – but I do believe him and my gut is rarely off.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s not a game. Which is why I need to exit sooner rather than later. I have a genuine feeling for Bennett but cannot return what he gives. If I stay here much longer than he would be like a “toy” to fulfill my own selfish needs.

        Liked by 1 person

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