You can read about my first man baby here.
Finn takes the cake for Man Baby #2 of the evening.
I have come to realize I have lost all patience for nonsense with grown men. I don’t want to play games, I am direct and honest, I am pleasant and fun to be around and I am tired of people sucking out my emotional energy. I have no time to be less than happy. I can be miserable on my own without having a grown man act like a child.
Finn was due to meet the group at the party. He was on the phone when we arrived so I passed him with a hello and entered with my sister. There were a few things Finn and I had discussed before the party which I felt should have been clear
Some of my friends he had met and some were new, but I would be a social butterfly at my own divorce party, especially with my sister in tow. Honestly, when my sister is around I have eyes for no one but her.
Here was our run-down….all discussions I had with Finn:
After the party we would figure out a place for dinner.
After dinner we would go to the gay strip club.
At some point during the party he had to leave to help his brother get off to the airport but would return.
There was, obviously, enough discussion about how the night would play out. Finn had also spent the evening before in LB’s bed, so besides knowing my local girlfriends, he had an intimate knowledge of LB. He should have more than enough people to interact with.
I guess he didn’t.
As people arrived, I moved away from him. I caught his eye several times during the night, but didn’t spend time with him. To be truly honest, I sort of just forgot he was there and I got pretty slammed with my sister around.
We left the Happy Hour and found ourselves heading to BBQ across the street. The place was lively and fun and everyone was super hungry at this point of the night. LB danced with Finn a bit and then I even got up to join. I think everyone was happy, I don’t know because I was drinking too much.
We went to split the check and I knew one of my friends had no money and I didn’t want to embarrass her so I asked Finn to pick up the check and I would split it with him after. I didn’t realize that it then looked like he paid the bill for everyone. Probably making me look like even more of a user.
Finn wanted to leave at this point which I got a little mad at. He had agreed to accompany us to the Gay Strip Club and both LB and I knew he was more than a little bisexual. Finn and I discussed going to the club and he was excited about sharing the experience with me.
But perhaps my behavior throughout the night turned him off. Maybe I said something about him paying for things and maybe I wasn’t nice. Chances are good my mouth ran ahead of my brain.
We went back to the hotel and squeezed into the small room so one friend could get dressed up and share a special bottle of Rose she had brought along. We didn’t need to be drinking anymore at this point, but drunks don’t stop.
At some point, my sister (maybe) started talking about dick pics and all the girls whipped out their phones to review and discuss. Ok, this was pretty low and probably upsetting for Finn. Not a good move and totally juvenile, but he wanted to be one of the girls tonight and he got the full dose.
He had been obviously unhappy, actually virtually pouting, since the Happy Hour and the face just continued to the point of true sour-puss. He stood up and left, clearly fussed.
I didn’t care in the moment. Or for many days after.
He apologized to me the next morning for leaving when he said he would stay and go the bar. LB wrote to him and apologized for him being uncomfortable.
I didn’t write anything.
Until today. Today I came to my senses that I acted in an entirely ridiculous and embarrassing manner to my own character. It happens with me. I get on my high horse for whatever reason (in this case: being surrounded by so many empowering people who were there for me combined with the alcohol did it).
Plus, something else is going on with me that I can’t yet identify…more about that in another post.
But, regarding Finn, I was wrong an childish and I wrote and apology to him.
I was very careful not to send any emoticons or hidden message that we should continue, this is a natural ending to a dysfunctional relationship. We can’t continue as friends. LB is right in stating he is happy to be in my wake, but he wants more from me than I can give. I think it’s the right time to break with Finn now.
Part of me is actually sad about this, there is something compatible, safe and sweet about him. But, I cannot be his teacher while he figures out his sexuality and that’s the core of the issue. I cannot take him by the hand.
Finn replied immediately:
Hi M. I completely understand and we’re 100% ok. All I want assurance of is that you and I have further lobster cracking, oyster chomping and Prosecco drinking in our future. You’re a special person and you’re very special to me (happy emotions and hearts)
I haven’t replied.
I couldn’t handle his growing sense of unease around me when I was perhaps not at my best. A friend manages through this and laughs with you, but it made me realize hard and fast he’s not a friend and he does demand more of me or he is going to pout.
In writing these two posts, and having a weekend of excess that, frankly, was even too much for me, I have come to realize I hit a wall. I was like a speeding train the last two weeks waiting for LB and this weekend and I got out of hand. While I had immense fun, I don’t like my behavior and know I am better than this.
Now how to handle the final break with Finn…well, that I have to figure out.
And it seems like I have some more things to figure out about myself as I navigate the loss of a career/job/identity, a large income and fitting in a role I was not sculpted for: the full-time, stay-at-home mother.
I’m not a horrible person, I’m just not in the mood to date these men and deal with their antics and requisite amount of attention. I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of my behavior this weekend so I need to be more careful about the choices I am making…even when it’s supposed to be all in good fun.
I should have left the men out of the equation on Friday evening and just enjoyed the sex club romp on Saturday. Instead, I had a negative engagement with two men…and if not for the fact of being surrounded by women I love and being pretty sauced…..I might have ended up hurting myself instead of them.