As Finn and I find our way together, we have agreed that we still want to see each other for fun date nights. I know this is tricky, we both know this is tricky, but we will figure this out on our own one way or the other, for better or worse. If I could identify what I really want from Finn in the long run it would help, but I don’t even know myself. Being in this weird limbo work-wise is really strange and creating other weird and unsettling feelings for me. I can’t seem to find my way ahead.
Some days I think I might want to try to actually date Finn again. That feeling usually goes away pretty quickly once I see him.
We treat each other like boyfriend and girlfriend in text. We have a silly love language and are very sweet on one another. We send silly emoticon text. Some days we say good morning and good night. First of all this is my style, and second of all I know he loves this type of attention and it’s important to him. We spoke about this type of communication being deceiving and agreed we both like it for what it is.
And some days, we don’t speak at all, maybe even 2-3 days can go by. We are both just fine with that as well.
If we see something or think of something the other may like, we share it. We ask some advice of each other, but here I think we have such varying opinions on certain things I find that both of us stay away from certain topics, unlike a real couple that would share everything under the sun. He is moving soon and I ask about that, he asks what I did with my day or the kids.
Last week was my kid-free weekend and we made plans. I suppose we both think that since we are not dating anyone else who we want to give our Saturday nights to that it’s much more fun to be out with someone you do adore and will have a good time with no matter what. We made plans to do what we love best: oysters, lobster and wine at a place we haven’t tried before. Of course, we had a fantastic evening of laughter and fun and had decided we would start early and head back to my place to spend the later evening on the back porch since the weather was so beautiful.
We kiss, a lot. A whole lot. He loves to touch and sometimes I have to push his hands away gently because I don’t want to be touched that much. Now he asks me “why” and what I like and don’t. I laugh for both of us because he is gauging his dating style with me, what works and what doesn’t. I warn him that’s perhaps not a good gauge as all people are quite different in their styles and what I like and what someone else might like could be quite different. He says that no one has even been so transparent with him so he wants to hear everything I think about everything now. Finn tells me he feels inexperienced and that he hasn’t paid enough attention to his dating style. Somehow I fall into the role of the teacher which isn’t what I wanted, but somehow works with Finn in a limited way.
The night started on a very strange note for me. I have been cleared of my medical concerns from December and can finally come off the blood thinners (yay!) so I’m hoping my periods can revert to normal now and not these ling messy experiences I have been having the last few months. My period seemed to have stopped fully in the morning, but for safety sake, I wore a tampon anyway. I neglected to wear a pad for back-up because I didn’t think I needed it. Sitting at the table I suddenly felt a pool of blood gush out from me and I jumped up and ran to the bathroom. Unfortunately for me, it was a one person bathroom and the person who was in before me was in there forever. I had to stand and wait as the blood dripped down the back of both of my legs and right into my nude-colored suede shoes. I could barely keep from crying and there was nothing to be done. I was much too embarrassed to ask for napkins from the servers. I kept my back turned to the wall and hoped no one saw my suede wedges slowly turning bright red. I had a black, loose summer dress on so you couldn’t see anything unless you looked down.
As soon as the person exited the bathroom I jumped in and had to take off all my clothing and rinse it out. I washed my legs and body in the sink and cleaned up pretty well all things considered. I had feminine products in my bag, so I made sure I left the bathroom properly protected. Since the blood is so loose and thin from the blood thinners, I was actually able to wash out my shoes and am happy to report there were no noticeable stains the next day!
Does this ever happen to anyone else? Why do all these crazy things happen to me?
Finn was wondering where I was of so long so I explained, he’s seen worse with me already. Of course, I didn’t even bleed the rest of the evening. Figures.
When we get back to my place, he drinks much more than I do, which is a surprise. He knew I was indisposed, and he’s been through these awful periods with me once already, so I wasn’t game for anything that evening, but he was clearly charged. I wasn’t in the mood. I know this is where these grey areas become difficult so the best I could do was be honest that I just didn’t want to fool around, at all.
And then he had to sleep in the bed with me.
I’m fine, I can roll over and ignore him, but he insists on cuddling up next to me and sleeping close.
We didn’t fool around and we talked about it in the morning. He said he was fine with it, but he also said that he did want to have some sexual relations with me when I was open to it because he is so attracted to me. I repeated that I couldn’t promise him anything, that I felt this was dangerous ground we were treading, but he wants to tread it anyway.
I’m not making any decisions because I am fine just where I am with Finn. I am comfortable accepting his advances when I am in the mood and comfortable rebuffing him when I’m not. I can’t make myself any more clear because I am unclear in my own head about what this relationship is.
All in all, our night was fine for both of us – we had fun and laughter and we get along easily. We enjoy the same things and it makes time together pass quickly.
Finn did ask me if I would like to take a vacation with him this summer and we had a short discussion about places, but then it hasn’t come up again. He may be afraid to raise it unless I do. I am unsure how I feel about this exactly unless we choose a place that keeps us very busy and engaged and it not especially romantic. My gut tells me I could manage a short vacation, like 2-3 days, but he has Tuscany in his mind for a week. I’m not sure I could spend that much time alone with him.
We shall see. The Finn saga continues.