I have noticed that Ayden is becoming inconsistent more recently. His communication, while lacking in my opinion, was at least very consistent the first month.
His change of pattern and lack of communication between dates caused me frustration and ultimately led to the last conversation we had, where he said he would think about it and owe me some answers.
Between the Friday morning I left the hotel and the Wednesday evening I spoke to him, I sent two early morning text:
Happy Fathers Day (which got a response by 6pm in the evening)
Happy Birthday (which also got a response by 6pm in the evening, requesting a phone call)
I knew something was off, I already probably even knew the answers in my gut, but I’m the type who has to know.
Ayden called and there was less than 5 minutes of polite conversation before I could tell he needed to address the outstanding discussion from the week prior.
He said he acknowledges that our sex styles are off, in his opinion our sex is still very good, but understands that’s not the same as great. He noted that he hadn’t yet googled the shaving of pubic hair. He also said maybe we could get to awesome together, but…that led into the next question which was troubling him more.
He said he realized he unintentionally confused me with his style of communication between dates, but that is his style. He likes to focus intently on each thing he is doing when he is doing it (and this is very obvious when he is out with me, the actual dates are fantastic). He then said “what I want, and what I should want, are perhaps not aligned.” He thought aloud that what he should want was to have more communication and more connection, but then said it’s not actually what he wanted. He wants the relationship to stay as once a week with little communication between dates, but only if I want it that way as well.
I simply said ok.
He had virtually repeated back to me what I had already said to him during our discussion in bed, there was nothing new here. When he questioned me why I had nothing to add, I said exactly that to him, that he parroted my own statements. Ayden went on to say that I was very intuitive and understanding and had clearly identified the situation.
There was a lot of awkward silence. I didn’t know what I wanted to say or even what else to talk about because he was clearly in a strange spot, so we hung up the phone.
After our call, I noticed he went back on Tinder for the first time in weeks. Ouch. That’s always an ouch and I hate those damn GPS locators on these apps.
I spoke to Ann immediately following the call and she helped me get my head straight by asking “what did you want to hear from this conversation that you didn’t?”
I thought about that and composed this message to Ayden within the hour:
Initially I felt good about sending that message and thought I was clear in my own head/thoughts. I had been speaking to Ann in between the conversations with Ayden and realized I had ended up making a pit of frustration and confusion in my stomach. I knew the man wanted a sex only relationship, why was I pushing to actually hear it from him that he didn’t want me?
Yes, it started to go through my mind that I wasn’t good enough for whatever reason. Never mind the fact that I already knew Ayden and I are not a great match. Never mind that there were plenty of red flags (not that I ignored them, I just chose to overlook them). I was feeling rejected and I didn’t like it, so I reached out to the person who rejected me for more rejection…talk about stupid behaviors.
This is the first time I have seen it clearly – like an out-of-body experience. It also helped, quite a lot in fact, that Ann sent me the most amazing article while all of this was happening.
You can read that article here:
I plan to dissect that article because I found it particularly impactful, but not now, now we are focusing on Ayden.
The bottom line in the article, like others we have read here in blog land, is that Ayden wasn’t clearly saying “fuck yes” to me nor was I saying “fuck yes” to him, so why was I pursuing something that wasn’t, at its core, the right situation for either of us? (and that’s where my quote above comes in – why pursue mediocrity?)
So I had a few things going on… I was feeling rejected by Ayden, I reached out to him once again for more questions/answers, and I didn’t really see a future for the relationship in any case, but didn’t quite want to let it go either. It helped to have Ann talking with me through every thought and challenging me to really think about what I wanted from all this. I was a little ball of confusion.
I got nervous before speaking to him, but as I was thinking about being nervous, he called promptly at 11pm and I accepted the call.
It ended up being just fine, because of his style. He went right into: “let me answer your two questions.” It alleviated any further explanation on my part and all I had to do was listen. He admitted a sex-only relationship was what he wanted, though he went on to add that the person was important (Libido Bootcamp take note: high-class call girl was spot on). Ayden claims there is a “meaningful distinction” for him about having the right kind of chemistry with the person he is having sex with, he needs to really like them. Ann and I discussed that people say “the quality of the person or the connection is important” because they want to make themselves feel better about sex-only relationships. He also said he planned to do “life-things” with his child-free time. Bottom line, he is not interested in making any further connection in his dating life. He wants to date once a week. There was a moment where he said something that kind of hurt a little “I want to keep a dating relationship, well, this relationship, where it is” where I could have asked if that was specifically about me or about anyone he was dating, but why ask a question you don’t want the answer to? Of course, it’s specific to me (maybe some of it is his dating mentality too, who knows and who cares).
He went on to say that if I was with others that he hopes I will be protected during sex and that I am obviously aware that he is careful with this but that I shouldn’t worry because he only has time to date once a week and that would be with me.
Frankly, I felt relief after the conversation and I could tell he did too. We cleared the air entirely. He made some lovely compliments about my empathy, intuition and ability to have these kind of conversations where most men/women cannot. He said he was 80% convinced I could have the conversation, but had been acting weird the past few weeks because he was afraid he would hurt me and he didn’t want to do that. I explained he was hurting me with his behavior and inconsistency, not being forthcoming and that I work better with rules (as does he).
He said he still wants to see me and is more than willing to be planful go forward. I don’t know how much dating I can do with Ayden, if it were just jumping in to bed it would be different, but he wants the whole package with no expectation and I find it hard to sit at a table to talk for 3-5 hours before having sex. Inevitably you want to get to know a person, even if it is only once a week, or at least I do. I can feel I am at the tipping point of wanting to get to know him better, so I am unsure I can actually continue with him at all, but I wasn’t ready to completely shut the door last night.
I was pleased that the conversation ended on a better note, with him telling me he would call me after the weekend to make plans. I could hear the relief in his voice (of course, you didn’t “hurt” me and I just gave you a pass to continue having sex with me and not feel guilty about it). Maybe I should have taken the money, after all? (that’s a joke!)
Interestingly, I didn’t sleep well and this was on my mind more than I had given it credit to be. I guess I still have some things to work through, rejection among them. While Ann doesn’t see this as a rejection, I do. I still have that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that there is some reason I’m not enough.
Common sense and lessons learned have taught me that this is much less about me and more about him, but I still feel a sense of rejection. Of course it’s not supremely painful, nor are there any tears, but that sick feeling kept me sleepless last night and is still here today. I know it will disappear as soon as I begin to focus a little on dating again and find another match to spend time with.
I did start on Tinder and Bumble again this morning and made a few weak starts. Going into Tinder and seeing that Ayden is active is not good for my psyche, so I deleted our match. I wonder if he will say anything or even notice.
I look at each of these instances as opportunity, I am still learning and growing from all of these experiences. I saw the signs that I was just about to want to be more attached to Ayden and I addressed them immediately. That’s a lot of progress from where I’ve been. I can say one thing for sure, having my heart so sincerely broken into bits taught me much more than I wanted to know and I have no intention of allowing that to happen so easily again. Not that I am closed off to romance and love, just that I have learned my heart needs to be protected and nurtured and only I can do that, no one is going to do it as well I can do it for myself.
I truly have no idea if I hear from Ayden again or not. I tend to think so, but he may take the deleted match as an indication I’m done. It’s fine if I don’t and I will get over him easily enough, just the feeling of rejection sucks.