Slow and Steady Picked Up The Pace

Last weeks date with Ayden was relatively predictable….a fabulous dinner and a night at a cool hotel close to the dinner location.

He was late, as usual.

Ayden mentioned to me early on that being late was a real issue for him, that he gets caught up too easily in whatever he is focused on at the moment and is often late.  He also made a statement about making sure he isn’t doing that anymore.  He has been late to 3 of our 5 dates.  The last two dates he was close to 45 minutes late, which is really quite a long time to be occupying myself alone at a bar.  He does send a text early enough to acknowledge he will be late, so I am not left wondering, at least.

It’s not that it bothers me, I love to sit at a bar and drink, what I find unusual about it is that he gets upset that I have to buy my own drinks and now makes it a point to trade out the credit cards to pay for whatever I may have had to drink before his arrival.  He says it bothers him that I would have to pay for my drinks when he is the one who is late.  Fine, then.

Dinner last week was at a locale of my choosing and I think we might have found an actual “date spot” or at least a place to start a date.  An old schooner with unbeatable city views and an oyster bar to die for.  Rose on tap doesn’t hurt either.

Of course, he ordered our dinner and we settled in to share a meal.  I had my STD screening results rolled and tied with a ribbon and gave them to him before the meal arrived.  He was so thrilled that I got a million little kisses (this is his thing, I don’t especially like this thing, but he clearly does).  He coddled me so much the women behind us said,  “Enough, enough!”  In my opinion, particularly knowing the PDA I have experienced in the past, he wasn’t doing anything to warrant any comment.  His arms were wrapped around me and he was kissing me like you would pet a child.  Nothing especially sexy going on and it was all sweet.  He didn’t stop at her suggestion, though he did slow down to maybe just a thousand little kisses!

Our chatter was typical, we always learn something about one another (there is so much to talk about when you only talk 4 hours a week in person) and I generally have a weekly silly story to share (though I do notice, he doesn’t share current events unless requested).  There was something especially romantic about the schooner and it’s locale and we both felt this was absolutely a choice for future date nights.  That’s the first time I can recall Ayden alluding to anything beyond the immediate.

I have had an interesting thought about the STD testing,,,,Ayden was so happy that I gave him clean STD results and said it set his heart and mind at ease, but the fact remains he hasn’t ALSO asked me to be exclusive with him (I wouldn’t, in any case, not unless a whole lot changed in our dynamic).  I sort of wonder what he’s thinking.  STD tests are only good for point in time.  I wonder if he thinks I am not dating anyone else?  He never asks about my free time, so perhaps he chooses not to think about it?  I can’t quite say he doesn’t care because he did have a panic attack about the tests in the first place.  I can’t figure it out.  If the tables were turned and the results of the tests were  as important to me as he said they were to him, I feel that I would ask the person to be also be exclusive to ensure there is no option that there could be additional exposure.

After dinner, we took a lovely walk along the pier and, as expected, Ayden wanted a lot of kissing and cuddling out in the open.  The moment he wraps his arms around me, I can feel him grow under his pants, he gets so turned on.  The kisses are always these small, tiny, multitudinous kisses all over my lips, face and neck.  He said he loves the shape of my face, the soft skin and my smell and can’t help but kiss every inch of it.  I tried, I really and sincerely tried to follow his pace with these kisses.  I tried to kiss him back in the same manner.  The more I did so, the more turned on he became.  I could easily read that he was so excited I was returning his style.

Not a moment of it (beyond the first moments) felt natural to me.  My brain was engaged in returning his kisses the way he gave them to me and it is so far off my own style that I don’t even know if there is a meeting in the middle.  At some point in the night I did mention to him that I tried kissing him back the way he liked and exclaimed that he was thrilled and totally noticed, then said, “And I know just how you like to be kissed” and planted a perfect french kiss on my lips, for some time, making me quite happy.  When we were done with that kiss he said, “You know, M, not every kiss can be a french kiss?”   At which point we had a little discussion, because my thought was perhaps I wanted every kiss to be a french kiss and perhaps he wanted every kiss to be these little pecks he adores….but where is the middle ground when the styles are so vastly different?

We made our way to a rooftop bar above the hotel we were staying in and enjoyed a nightcap and gorgeous views of the beautiful city.  I can tell now when he is ready to take me to bed because his focus shifts and his cock stays rock hard if he so much as even touches me.  There’s never any harm in making a man wait a little bit for his treasure.

Our sex that night shifted and became much closer to really good than just ok.  He demonstrated some new moves in bed and is intent on using them to please me.  I could tell I wasn’t going to cum and needed to stop him from this singular focus so we could both enjoy ourselves.  It’s been a long time since I have been unable to cum with a man in bed, it happened often with Bobby in the beginning, so I feel once I get that thought or awareness in my head, it’s really hard to relax enough to get out of it.  I know I am better off just trying to enjoy the sex, rather than trying to achieve an orgasm.  Sure enough, as soon as I said something and he stopped trying so hard, I came very close to having an orgasm on top of him, which surprised me.  I didn’t think he was long enough to hit my g-spot, but he showed me beyond a doubt that we can probably achieve really good sex together.    Once he got past his “little kisses” phase, he did all the things I enjoy during sex, switching positions in particular.

When he finally did cum, I only knew because he stopped.  There was very little change in his tension and no sound at all.  While this may not be unusual for some, I am a communicator in and out of the bed and believe this is the best way to achieve mutual satisfaction.  Clearly, Ayden’s communication style (with me, at least) is non-existent.  There were a few clues during sex of his enjoyment but I really had to work hard to notice the crumbs, except when he told me I make it almost impossible for him to hold-out.  That made me happy.  

After the sex he will hold me and gently scratch my back or rub my arms, which I also love.  The soothing motions and his breathing on my neck relax me.  I knew it was time for me to tell him what was on my mind.

I asked if he was ok for a small talk and he agreed.  I had debated all day if I would say anything at all, but lying next to him now felt like the right time.  I started with the fact that I enjoy spending time with him and we always have such a lovely time, then led into the fact that we have some sexual style differences as well as communication challenges, in my opinion.  He agreed that he felt the same, some things were very easy and natural for us while others felt a little bumpy along the way.

Honestly, we resolved nothing.  I said what was on my mind and he asked for time to think about it because he felt everything I said was fair.  He said he is able to focus intently on me when he is with me, but is happy to compartmentalize me (my words not his) when he is doing the other parts of his life.  He said he likes the relationship like this, but was unhappy that I didn’t like it and wanted to try to fix that.

I asked him how he would feel if I made no noise during sex, how he would be able to tell if I was pleasured or not?  I found his answer actually astonishing, because he replied with the question “are you just making those noises to make noise?”  When I said I was not, he agreed that if I didn’t make any indication of liking what he was doing, it would be hard for him to know how well he was doing….which is how I explained to him I felt about his pleasure.  He doesn’t indicate to me what he enjoys.  His answer was that his hard-on was the indication and he loves everything we do together in bed.

Ayden and I are perhaps not only on different pages, but in different books entirely.    I am unsure how much can possibly change.  I don’t think he is willing to make adjustments to how he does things.  My assumption is that this style has worked well enough for him in the past so either I comply, or I choose to move on.

This week is his birthday and I suggested I would like to take him out.  The last mention of seeing him for his birthday he told me he wasn’t beholden to celebrating on the day of, but made no indication which day (or even this week) that I would see him.  The initial dates, he was careful to make future dates, this seems to have stopped the past 2 weeks for whatever reason.

His kids are now off to summer camp after the end of this week, so I am waiting another 2 weeks at most to see if there is any change in his habits once his weekends become free.  If not, I am going to set my head to dating him when I am available to see him, and no longer hoping to see him once a week.

I am somewhat disappointed, but not terribly.  I do like Ayden, and I see sex getting better with each time, but this once a week thing and lack of communication on all levels is so far removed from my own style that it ends up making me uncomfortable and frankly, putting way to much thought into dating him.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

25 thoughts on “Slow and Steady Picked Up The Pace”

  1. He is a curious man. Me personally – I HATE being smothered, and those PDA actions so early in a relationship would be a huge turn-off to me. My ex did that and I should have listened to my instincts. Nevertheless, I know your experience is not the same as mine. Still – he is a curious man. I really don’t want to say this – but is there any possibility that there’s someone else in the picture that he also sees? It’s the communication style and the concern over STDs that just made me think of it.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I agree the possibility that he is dating more thane person can certainly exist – and I’m doing it with multiple men, so if he is doing it as well, I don’t think twice about it. Perhaps he has two women in his life on a steady basis. That doesn’t matter to me if his behavior was different.

      I like your use of the word curious because it fits him…it’s totally him. The more I learn about him the more curious he becomes to me.

      What’s happening though is I am also realizing he is not an enigma I want to work on figuring out.

      As far as the PDA – I love it, always have and always will. So, I understand all people feel differently about that. You have to do what you’re comfortable with though.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well you hit on something there – I don’t need to have love to like the PDA, but I need the attraction/chemistry to be right. Others have tried PDA and I didn’t want to be touched at all. So you need to be in the right frame of mind for sure.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I do think it’s a possibility, but if there is, it shouldn’t affect how he treats me (or said differently, how I deserve to be treated in a relationship).

      If his communication stays this way, he will simply become an available date night partner with no further input from me. If he can’t/won’t change, I will. My investment in him is limited and now is the time to stop investing further.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Personally, I believe he is married. But you will find out for sure in due time. And just like Tara, he seems to be anxious about STD’s more than a single man would. When I met J on AM,, that was one of the main things we were both looking for drug/disease free. However, no matter how much I liked the Oyster bar and sparkly, I would not be available on every Thursdays that he only wants. Men tend to like women who give them a little chase for their money. Tell him to show you his divorce papers since he wanted your STD results. And, did you get his?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well, he’s not divorced, his wife died 7 years ago and I am utterly sure of that and the fact he is not married….no doubt at all about it.

      This week is his birthday and I did say I wanted to see him, so it’s officially the last week I will remain “available/on hold” for him. After this, all bets are off.

      Not so much about the chase as it is about me not liking the feeling he is expecting me to wait (or maybe he doesn’t care, I still can’t tell) Either way, the waiting is over after this week.

      As far as his STD results he offered for me to see his recent ones, but I don’t care. There is no point in me asking for something I don’t much care about, I believe him.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t really get a “married” vibe off of him…just maybe more that he is set in his weird ways. Lol. I agree with your approach of just seeing what happens when his weekends are free and then wait to see him when you are available…don’t hold space open for him.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I completely agree. I’d imagine little kisses end with a smacking sound, which I absolutely detest. I wrote a blog post long ago about the awful smacking sound of kissing (which still gets some visitors)

        Liked by 1 person

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