After thinking about Ayden a bit more, I remain baffled.
There is something there with him that I like. Something unlike the others before that attracts me on a deeper level.
It’s definitely not sexual, our sex is ok at best. I do see opportunity for improvement.
It’s not the butterflies because I don’t speak to him enough to get that way.
I’m happy when I’m with him. I feel confident he will do whatever says he will and not flake out on a date. While his communication is not at the pace I would like, he does remain entirely consistent.
Maybe it’s gotten to the point in this dating world where we have to analyze every move and nuance for understanding. How often they call, how often we see them, what’s right, what’s wrong etc. Some things feel good to me and others feel off. The fact that he is consistent and honorable are two really big traits I cannot ignore.
Are there red flags? Yes. We see them, don’t we?
What am I overanalyzing about Ayden and why? Why can’t I let the 3-4 dates we have had just be? This question has been churning in my mind when he let me know he can’t see me this week due to work commitments and not feeling so great, but made a date for next week.
Then he called and we spoke for 10 minutes. While the conversation was fluid enough, it ended somewhat abruptly in my opinion (he was at work, I get it). I wonder if he thinks that 10 minute conversation covers our communication for the week.
One of my closest friends tells me I’m nuts and this is how dating works. Slowly. He never goes more than a two-day period without checking in. I rarely check in first and always wait on him. He holds to his commitments. He is good to me. What more do I want?
That’s the crux of it, isn’t it? What do I want?
I’m still unsure if I really want any more than I have with Ayden so why push for something I don’t really need? I like what I have with him weekly and it’s really ok for a little while.
I think this is all about me needing validation over and over. We’ve seen this in spades when it came to the end of the Bobby relationship. I kept wanting more and more validation for the relationship. I couldn’t accept that I had gotten it when he could freely give it and the time had long passed to get anymore from him. I am so strongly a words of affirmation person that I need consistent reinforcement and think I will push Ayden to something he’s not ready for and therefore just push him away.
I don’t want him to go away yet. I like him. I haven’t figured out what the draw to him is just yet but it’s strong and it’s there. And for the first time in a long time I am willing to try to go slow and work with what I have because I believe the rewards may be greater in the long run.
After our 10 minute conversation yesterday I strongly debated with myself about sending him a text :
Admittedly, I am struggling with our communication cadence. I would really like to know you better, but I find it so difficult to do so when we have so little communication between dates.
I understand your lack of time and I’m unsure how better to address this than to be straightforward and honest with you about my own feelings.
Instead of sending that to Ayden I slowed down and sent it to a few friends.
(*inserting a side note here: many of you have questioned when I share things with friends from men, but you can see that the opposite also applies – I share my own thoughts with friends before I even write to men – I work better with a team approach!)
The replies from friends varied but all agreed in one thing, don’t send a text, talk about it to him in person next week when you see him.
I talked myself down from the cliff and didn’t send the text and chose not to worry about it anymore. I will speak to him next week. If he was comfortable enough discussing STD testing with me, I can certainly be comfortable enough to discuss how I feel about our dating cadence this far.
But the piece I have to get to still remains: what do I want to achieve by having the conversation?
And is it time to have the conversation? I have been dating him for one month now. Often I think that this should be the honeymoon stage and it should be happiness and butterflies. When I am with him, all is right in our world. It’s this darn in-between time that’s killing me.
I think I finally hit on that I need to get to know him better. I need a bit more time investment in his behalf. While this may be challenging for him, I don’t think I can do much more of the once a week date with limited contact between. I may have to go as far to suggest exactly what I want which would be two things: perhaps a little more text chat when we do text and then one decent phone call a week in between the dates. If he feels he can’t find the time for those things, and the rest of his life takes priority, then I am going to have to accept what I’m getting and disengage entirely. Maybe he is like my son with Asperger’s and he needs things laid out specifically and clearly for him: I want this, like this, here’s the recipe to bake the cake kind of thing.
Specifically, right now I am interested in getting to know more about him and understanding compatibility but if he can’t give any more, then I will make the decision to disengage emotionally and accept the dates for just random dates…not waiting for them, making other plans when they come up, and basically de-prioritizing the opportunity of knowing Ayden any better than once a week affords.
I’m still at the stage where my investment is limited but noticed I became frustrated by his communication this week so I know it’s time for me to speak up and be true to myself. I do wait for him to make plans, knowing I will most likely see him in the middle of each week. I can change how much emotional investment I am making and reframe this situation if this talk doesn’t go the way I need it to in order to change the cadence of the communication.
It will be another week before I see him so I have plenty of time to get my words in order.
Meanwhile, he said something so kind to me this week, he told me I have a heart of gold and he thinks I’m a wonderful mother. I don’t know what generated either of those comments in his head, but the words were so lovely to hear.
I also thought about telling him about the love language test, maybe he is an acts of service kind of guy and doesn’t understand that I am all words of affirmation.
At this point, I think it’s worth a little more investment to see if I can get Ayden and I to more stable ground.