Patience Is Not My Virtue

After thinking about Ayden a bit more, I remain baffled.

There is something there with him that I like. Something unlike the others before that attracts me on a deeper level.

It’s definitely not sexual, our sex is ok at best.  I do see opportunity for improvement.

It’s not the butterflies because I don’t speak to him enough to get that way.

I’m happy when I’m with him. I feel confident he will do whatever says he will and not flake out on a date. While his communication is not at the pace I would like, he does remain entirely consistent.

Maybe it’s gotten to the point in this dating world where we have to analyze every move and nuance for understanding.  How often they call, how often we see them, what’s right, what’s wrong etc.  Some things feel good to me and others feel off.  The fact that he is consistent and honorable are two really big traits I cannot ignore.

Are there red flags?  Yes. We see them, don’t we?

But, why?

What am I overanalyzing about Ayden and why?  Why can’t I let the 3-4 dates we have had just be?  This question has been churning in my mind when he let me know he can’t see me this week due to work commitments and not feeling so great, but made a date for next week.

Then he called and we spoke for 10 minutes. While the conversation was fluid enough, it ended somewhat abruptly in my opinion (he was at work, I get it).  I wonder if he thinks that 10 minute conversation covers our communication for the week.

One of my closest friends tells me I’m nuts and this is how dating works. Slowly.  He never goes more than a two-day period without checking in. I rarely check in first and always wait on him.  He holds to his commitments.  He is good to me. What more do I want?

That’s the crux of it, isn’t it?  What do I want?

I’m still unsure if I really want any more than I have with Ayden so why push for something I don’t really need?  I like what I have with him weekly and it’s really ok for a little while.

I think this is all about me needing validation over and over. We’ve seen this in spades when it came to the end of the Bobby relationship. I kept wanting more and more validation for the relationship. I couldn’t accept that I had gotten it when he could freely give it  and the time had long passed to get anymore from him. I am so strongly a words of affirmation person that I need consistent reinforcement and think I will push Ayden to something he’s not ready for and therefore just push him away.

I don’t want him to go away yet. I like him. I haven’t figured out what the draw to him is just yet but it’s strong and it’s there.  And for the first time in a long time I am willing to try to go slow and work with what I have because I believe the rewards may be greater in the long run.

After our 10 minute conversation yesterday I strongly debated with myself about sending him a text :

Hi Ayden,
Admittedly, I am struggling with our communication cadence. I would really like to know you better, but I find it so difficult to do so when we have so little communication between dates.  
I understand your lack of time and I’m unsure how better to address this than to be straightforward and honest with you about my own feelings.  



Instead of sending that to Ayden I slowed down and sent it to a few friends.  

(*inserting a side note here: many of you have questioned when I share things with friends from men, but you can see that the opposite also applies – I share my own thoughts with friends before I even write to men – I work better with a team approach!)

The replies from friends varied but all agreed in one thing, don’t send a text, talk about it to him in person next week when you see him.

I talked myself down from the cliff and didn’t send the text and chose not to worry about it anymore. I will speak to him next week. If he was comfortable enough discussing STD testing with me, I can certainly be comfortable enough to discuss how I feel about our dating cadence this far.

But the piece I have to get to still remains: what do I want to achieve by having the conversation?

And is it time to have the conversation?  I have been dating him for one month now.  Often I think that this should be the honeymoon stage and it should be happiness and butterflies.  When I am with him, all is right in our world.  It’s this darn in-between time that’s killing me.

I think I finally hit on that I need to get to know him better. I need a bit more time investment in his behalf. While this may be challenging for him, I don’t think I can do much more of the once a week date with limited contact between. I may have to go as far to suggest exactly what I want which would be two things: perhaps a little more text chat when we do text and then one decent phone call a week in between the dates.  If he feels he can’t find the time for those things, and the rest of his life takes priority, then I am going to have to accept what I’m getting and disengage entirely.     Maybe he is like my son with Asperger’s and he needs things laid out specifically and clearly for him: I want this, like this, here’s the recipe to bake the cake kind of thing.

Specifically, right now I am interested in getting to know more about him and understanding compatibility  but if he can’t give any more, then I will make the decision to  disengage emotionally  and accept the dates for just random dates…not waiting for them, making other plans when they come up, and basically de-prioritizing the opportunity of knowing Ayden any better than once a week affords.

I’m still at the stage where my investment is limited but noticed I became frustrated by his communication this week so I know it’s time for me to speak up and be true to myself.  I do wait for him to make plans, knowing I will most likely see him in the middle of each week.  I can change how much emotional investment I am making and reframe this situation if this talk doesn’t go the way I need it to in order to change the cadence of the communication.

It will be another week before I see him so I have plenty of time to get my words in order.

Meanwhile, he said something so kind to me this week, he told me I have a heart of gold and he thinks I’m a wonderful mother.    I don’t know what generated either of those comments in his head, but the words were so lovely to hear.

I also thought about telling him about the love language test, maybe he is an acts of service kind of guy and doesn’t understand that I am all words of affirmation.

At this point, I think it’s worth a little more investment to see if I can get Ayden and I to more stable ground.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

24 thoughts on “Patience Is Not My Virtue”

  1. I hope it goes well. I agree that the right decision is to talk to him next time you see him. It may be well worth exploring things with him, if he can hear you out and meet your needs. Good luck. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I keep thinking this is a Love Language issue, so talking to him may shed some light on things. I think Quality Time is another strong language for you and if so, he needs to understand that so he understands your need for a better communication cadence. I think the in-person talk is better than a text.

    Also, since one of his Love Languages appears to be Gift Giving, why not get your STI testing results and wrap it up really nice – LOL. That may mean a lot to him on several levels and communicate in one of his languages. Just a thought….

    In the meantime, just keep reminding yourself of the tortoise and the hare. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You said you “rarely” check in with him first, that you usually wait for him to reach out. Why not reach out to him a little – just a quick hello or something trivial? It seems to me that you are also in control of the pace of communication. And – for the love of God – do not send that text. :p

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No no. Not sending the text. I do sometimes, not often, say hello first. And if he writes, I will always write a bit more…I kind of just know that I shouldn’t bug him if that makes any sense. He will tell me when he’s thinking of me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Call me crazy – but – if you kind of just know that you shouldn’t bug him – it sounds like he’s not the right one. If you have to wait for him to tell you he’s thinking of you? If something is “right,” then all these things shouldn’t even be happening. I may be wrong. And I don’t mean to sound harsh.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No worry Tara, I don’t think you are ever harsh!!

        I don’t think he’s he one and what I am learning is that it might just be ok for me to date him once a week and leave it at that, no more no less. I think what my posts are demonstrating is my thought process to get to a place where it is ok for me to date someone more casual and not become attached.

        I tend to want the attachment even when the situation is wrong and Ayden’s pace is teaching me that I don’t need the attachment when the situation is wrong, but it’s not to have the attention.

        Traditionally I have had an impossible time of separating the two.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Why do I get the impression Ayden is simply shy? Is that what’s behind his lack of initiative? The reason things are well spaced and planned well in advance? I dunno … it just strikes me like that. If so, then patience (though not your strong suit) would be your best friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shy? I really didn’t think of that. He’s a confident man, and I don’t know if I can reconcile shy. I don’t think I’ve written much here but he loves PDA which generally doesn’t suit a shy guy. I’m working on the patience part. I think he will be worth any efforts I invest.

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  5. I almost always consult my friends before major texts like that. I know that the communication is something that bugs you, but I feel like most guys I’ve dated are like this. We’ll see each other once or twice a week and there will be few texts in between. I doesn’t bother me, but perhaps I’m in the minority. It seems like you keep on pointing out things you dislike or that make you feel uncomfortable about him; perhaps he’s not the right fit for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not convinced he is the right fit for me, but I also think that not every person you date is your forever guy and some mr right nows are ok.

      I don’t need him to text every minute of every day, but what he is doing seems lacking.

      As for pointing out the negative, it’s really what’s going on in my brain and how I waffle over things however inconsequential. I do think I keep repeating how many great qualities he has that draw me into him as well.

      I’m trying to figure out this imperfect dating world. So far all the men I have major chemistry with tend to be problems down the road…Ayden seems to offer something different.

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  6. I think it’s too early after just three dates (especially when you haven’t been talking much between them), to have the discussion with any intensity… But I agree it’s a good idea to put it out there gently and see how he responds. Three dates is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
    I’m glad you recognize it as a need for validation, and I admittedly to worry you will continue to make less than stellar dating choices when personal validation is what’s driving you… I know you feel a connection to him but there are also red flags, so be careful not too much too much to catch the fish when you might find its stinky (said from one who used to be the master of this!!)
    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s 3 dates but 5 weeks of speaking/not-speaking! I agree no intensity is necessary but as you know I’m at the point where I created a little frustration.

      I also recognize I am frustrated for the moment and then I put him into perspective, knowing this is how he is and this is what I’m getting, and I somehow don’t worry as much. Maybe that’s why he intentionally planned the next date as well? Something about knowing its in front of me…

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      1. Having a planned date makes a huge difference because you know there’s a time commitment. In my opinion, the number of dates matters more than the time duration in this case, simply because there hasn’t been much communication in between. But we’ll see how it all plays out with him. Just breathe 🙂

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