Finnian has never really exited stage left.
We had our conversation and he chilled for a while but has had his bouts of showing sincere and continued interest.
I can’t say I deter him much, if at all.
I haven’t seen him in about 3 weeks or so which is fine. For better or worse, he sort of softens in my mind as time goes by. He’s really such a nice guy. And, he gives me my words of affirmation in spades. He makes me feel good.
The problem is, I think I know where it will head for him. I don’t really want to get into the situation where I have to be brutally clear about not having sex but chances are, when I do see him again, this could happen.
While I was in San Fransisco he was asking quite a few questions during our long drive so I chatted with him for some time back and forth. Upon arrival to the first winery that day, Finn had ordered a bottle of my favorite: Rose bubbles. And, it was a special vintage.
We took a cute photo and thanked him profusely.
I admit, that weakened my resolve a bit. Who does these things? Once again, I’m just awed by the lengths anyone will go for me. Of course my friends, who had already met Finn, now wanted me to give him one more shot, even if the sex was bad. Maybe I could teach him a thing or two and he would learn to take over?
During the day we visited some wine caves. I took a photo and shared it with Finn. The wine holders were all empty so we had a little back and forth:
M: look how cool these champagne caves are!
F: but, M, where did all the champagne go?
M: oh, I can’t reveal my secrets regarding the missing champagne!
F: I have my ways to get you to tell, you will spill the beans
F: I’m going to put you on a St. Andrew’s Cross, attach clamps to you nipples, and simultaneously whip out a dildo and your favorite vibrator. That should do it.
Yep. You read that right. Gentle Finn just crossed a massive line.
M:Finn you just went too far my darling.
He sent a small flurry of apologies which I didn’t answer. I don’t answer him until the next day.
F: I hope the rest of your day is fun, Madeline. I feel embarrassed and I truly am sorry that I said that.
F: Mads,I feel terrible about what I did. It was so insulting and stupid. There may not be a way back from it for our friendship, but I hope you’ll forgive me and remember the better things I did – all of which were done with total sincerity, love and respect for who you are. I also hope you aren’t thinking about it any more because the thought of my stupidity spoiling the taste of your Prosecco on a Sunday morning in sunny California is more than I can bear.
F: This is truly a low point in my life. There’s no point throwing out statements about it being out of character, because I’ve done lots of stupid things in my life I wish hadn’t done. I’m just so sorry that I embarrassed you like that. I’m truly, truly sorry Madeline.
Finally, I responded:
M: Finn, your text shocked and embarrassed me. I was so shocked I put the phone down, gasped, and unfortunately the girls picked it up. So you succeeded in rendering all 3 of us speechless.
F: There’s no doubt at all that I’ve transgressed. My apology was sincere and absent of any excuse. I totally f’d up.
After a little back and forth I said he could make it up to me.
But he then proceeded to tease me about eating oysters and lobster without me. He said he felt guilty of committing adultery.
I will admit my friends did read the text and were shocked and felt he should be punished. That’s not my style but I was willing to let him wallow in pain a bit longer for a stupid comment after such a beautiful treat at the winery.
But when he started to tease, and think it was ok to lighten the mood, I teased back in not such a nice way.
I told him he deserved to be punished.
Ultimately he asked me out for this weekend and said he wants to do something very, very special for me. He told me I melt his heart.
He sent many text telling me how special I am to him and how much I mean to him.
I’m going to let him spoil me.
At one point, he mentioned he should be pouring my rose bubbly into a glass right about now and serving me. I reminded him that the key word in that sentence was service.
His answer was that he hopes by now I know that all he wants to show me is how well he would serve me if only I would let him.
Throughout this conversation it has crossed my mind often that I could, perhaps, move from the submissive role to the dominant role. It might work with Finn and I.
But the role doesn’t sit easy with me.
My one girlfriend, who came up with the idea of punishment, has two very close friends who are true dominatrix. She insists I have the same power qualities they do (she also works with me so she knows my work style very well). I’m not so sure about this but Finns easy compliance is shifting the balance more than I’m used to.
He likes to believe he is in charge and he knows I can make him feel that way, but the seed germinating here is everything on my lead.
So, you know what, I’m going to find out. I will never see Ayden on the weekend, I don’t have anything else lined up and Finn wants to do something special for me so why not? He will feel nothing but warmth, love and grateful feelings from me as long as he doesn’t cross the sex line.
Alternatively, I could drink enough to pass out.