Power Balance

Finnian has never really exited stage left.

We had our conversation and he chilled for a while but has had his bouts of showing sincere and continued interest.

I can’t say I deter him much, if at all.

I haven’t seen him in about 3 weeks or so which is fine. For better or worse, he sort of softens in my mind as time goes by.  He’s really such a nice guy. And, he gives me my words of affirmation in spades. He makes me feel good.

The problem is, I think I know where it will head for him. I don’t really want to get into the situation where I have to be brutally clear about not having sex but chances are, when I do see him again, this could happen.

While I was in San Fransisco he was asking quite a few questions during our long drive so I chatted with him for some time back and forth. Upon arrival to the first winery that day, Finn had ordered a bottle of my favorite: Rose bubbles.  And, it was a special vintage.

We took a cute photo and thanked him profusely.

I admit, that weakened my resolve a bit. Who does these things?  Once again, I’m just awed by the lengths anyone will go for me. Of course my friends, who had already met Finn, now wanted me to give him one more shot, even if the sex was bad. Maybe I could teach him a thing or two and he would learn to take over?

During the day we visited some wine caves. I took a photo and shared it with Finn. The wine holders were all empty so we had a little back and forth:

M: look how cool these champagne caves are!

F: but, M, where did all the champagne go?

M: oh, I can’t reveal my secrets regarding the missing champagne!

F: I have my ways to get you to tell, you will spill the beans

M: hardly

F: I’m going to put you on a St. Andrew’s Cross, attach clamps to you nipples, and simultaneously whip out a dildo and your favorite vibrator. That should do it.


Yep. You read that right. Gentle Finn just crossed a massive line.


M:Finn you just went too far my darling. 

He sent a small flurry of apologies which I didn’t answer. I don’t answer him until the next day.

F: I hope the rest of your day is fun, Madeline.  I feel embarrassed and I truly am sorry that I said that.

F: Mads,I feel terrible about what I did. It was so insulting and stupid. There may not be a way back from it for our friendship, but I hope you’ll forgive me and remember the better things I did – all of which were done with total sincerity, love and respect for who you are. I also hope you aren’t thinking about it any more because the thought of my stupidity spoiling the taste of your Prosecco on a Sunday morning in sunny California is more than I can bear.

F: This is truly a low point in my life. There’s no point throwing out statements about it being out of character, because I’ve done lots of stupid things in my life I wish hadn’t done. I’m just so sorry that I embarrassed you like that. I’m truly, truly sorry Madeline.

Finally, I responded:

M:  Finn,  your text shocked and embarrassed me. I was so shocked I put the phone down, gasped, and unfortunately the girls picked it up. So you succeeded in rendering all 3 of us speechless. 

F: There’s no doubt at all that I’ve transgressed. My apology was sincere and absent of any excuse. I totally f’d up.

After a little back and forth I said he could make it up to me.

But he then proceeded to tease me about eating oysters and lobster without me.  He said he felt guilty of committing adultery.

I will admit my friends did read the text and were shocked and felt he should be punished.  That’s not my style but I was willing to let him wallow in pain a bit longer for a stupid comment after such a beautiful treat at the winery.

But when he started to tease, and think it was ok to lighten the mood, I teased back in not such a nice way.

I told him he deserved to be punished.

He agreed.

Ultimately he asked me out for this weekend and said he wants to do something very, very special for me.  He told me I melt his heart.

He sent many text telling me how special I am to him and how much I mean to him.

I’m going to let him spoil me.

At one point, he mentioned he should be pouring my rose bubbly into a glass right about now and serving me. I reminded him that the key word in that sentence was service.

His answer was that he hopes by now I know that all he wants to show me is how well he would serve me if only I would let him.

Throughout this conversation it has crossed my mind often that I could, perhaps, move from the submissive role to the dominant role.  It might work with Finn and I.

But the role doesn’t sit easy with me.

My one girlfriend, who came up with the idea of punishment, has two very close friends who are true dominatrix.  She insists I have the same power qualities they do (she also works with me so she knows my work style very well).  I’m not so sure about this but Finns easy compliance is shifting the balance more than I’m used to.

He likes to believe he is in charge and he knows I can  make him feel that way, but the seed germinating here is everything on my lead.

So, you know what, I’m going to find out.  I will never see Ayden on the weekend, I don’t have anything else lined up and Finn wants to do something special for me so why not?  He will feel nothing but warmth, love and grateful feelings from me as long as he doesn’t cross the sex line.

Alternatively, I could drink enough to pass out.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

34 thoughts on “Power Balance”

  1. So, he offended you? Am I reading that right? No judgement here, I just wasn’t sure if you enjoyed this kind of commentary from someone? Sorry – I’m nursing a hangover and haven’t had enough coffee yet.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. There’s an image on the third post at the very bottom. Can you not see it?
        I haven’t been back on the cross, that was a one time thing. But I’ve continued to explore with more than one partner and occasionally with another woman.


    1. The St. Andrew’s Cross, Crux decussata, X-cross, X-frame or saltire cross is a common piece of equipment in BDSM dungeons. It typically provides restraining points for ankles, wrists, and waist. When secured to a saltire, the subject is restrained in a spreadeagle position.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Kind of like Lady Heathers’ place on CSI?
        Ha! I’d like to implement a few of those things…without the sexual fantasy! LOL
        Thank you for explaining it to me.
        I must have had the most absolutely dullest life ever!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Laurel – before last year that stuff was all unknown to me too. Then I started reading blogs and ultimately met someone who introduced me to it all. Looking back I can’t believe I’ve done some of the stuff I’ve done but it was sure a lot of fun and opened my mind.
        If you had asked me I would say I was pretty dull most of my life too….now, not so much.
        And I have to keep that wild woman under wraps for Ayden or he might have an anxiety attack.


      3. LOL. I know all three of my daughters experienced those “slutty college years.”
        Of course, I never went to college and I’m not sure anything would have been any different.
        I think one of the reasons Loser married me was because I hadn’t “been around the block.” I was good for being a brood mate but nothing else. He never asked me if something felt good or anything. It was all about him…and his tiny little penis. LOL

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel bad for poor Finn. If it were a man using a woman this way and punishing her for a comment that was meant to be dominating and sexy (he in no way sounds like he meant to offend)…and then he shared said text with his buddies and allowed them to dictate that she be punished and further used…well it would be a way less acceptable story. It’s nice to have a man make us feel special and wanted but if there is no chance for more then it needs to be made clear IMO.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I didn’t intentionally share the text so when my friends read it, knowing nothing of my history, I had to have an appropriate reaction.

      I didn’t think he sounded dominating or sexy. We have had a discussion about no more sexual activity between us so he did cross a line.

      As far as punishment, some of its simply teasing and he realizes it – there are other text in between which indicate he knows it’s teasing. Harsh teasing perhaps, but still a tease.

      I have already told him no chance for more but he keeps coming back for more which is how this conversation started. And you are right, tables turned and this would be a much more unacceptable story.


  3. I wouldn’t have had the same reaction to such a text depending on the circumstances, especially after talking about some of my more crazy sexual adventures. If inappropriate I would have said so but I don’t think all the power struggle was necessary… Why are you putting this poor guy through his paces when you ultimately don’t like him enough to date him?

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s not a good dynamic when he’s letting you do that to him and you’ve been clear you’re not interested…

        The D/s thing is a curious one with him. Did he ever talk to you about experience with that kind of relationship?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes he has. But I think he believes he is dominant. Or at least would like to be.

        Im seeing him this weekend. I plan to be open and honest and go from there. He may not like what he hears but it’s time he hears it now.

        He’s a good guy – I will be very kind but honest.

        I think about if I could teach him but that really puts me off. He would be such an eager student but I just don’t think I have the right frame of mind. Maybe this is what he’s hoping for.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. When I was a kid, I was pretty uncool, and there were some times that the more popular girls had their fun with me, taking delight in exploiting my eagerness to please them. So, its a little hard for me to read how you’ve led Finn on particularly in how your girlfriends have been involved. But, maybe I am projecting.

    When I got back into dating 6-odd years ago, I found that the power dynamic often switched, and I often found myself in a situation where my date was far more keen for my attention than I was his. One guy, in particular, had exquisite taste, was a very giving soul, and took great pains to come up with some pretty amazing things to do together. I wasn’t physically attracted to him, and aside from a hug that slipped into a kiss, nothing happened between us. I had to explain to him after that date that nothing ever would; he was in the friend-zone, and should he accept those terms, we could continue exploring our connection. He accepted it all too easily, as he was pretty smitten. We continued to do things together for almost a year. He not only continued to shower me with attention, but would put time and effort into crafting thoughtful little gifts for me. It was hard to accept them without feeling like I was taking advantage of him. For a while, I kept it going; I didn’t want to disappoint him, I was lonely, and I rationalized that we did fun things together. I also rationalized that if this guy wanted something more, he could just seek it out himself. He wasn’t. Perhaps he thought it was ok, but I knew it wasn’t. I knew that I was keeping him really stuck… and it was keeping me stuck, too. The thing that really got me to stop is I knew that I was disrespecting him, and he deserved more respect. He didn’t know it. He was practically begging me to treat him this way, but I knew it was not how I would want to be treated. I stopped accepting his invitations. It was hard, he was hurt, but it was the right thing.

    For those of us who have been in this situation, when we have the upper hand, we each have our threshold of tolerating how much we experience the power imbalance. If I was in your situation, it would probably also take me a little while to extricate myself from these comforts, but I ultimately would. That doesn’t mean that you have to, though. Ultimately, Finn is a big boy and will leave when he’s had enough and wants the attention of someone who can return his feelings. It’s not your job to teach him that he deserves better than this. Maybe being the “safe date” is a comfortable role for him, even though his heart will always fantasize for more. In a weird way, then, this can work. Its just never going to be satisfying.


    1. Yes, you are certainly right, I do have to remove myself from the situation sooner rather than later as I truly don’t want to fool with Finn’s feelings. He is nearly 50 years old and I am sure, with a clear conversation, which maybe I didn’t do well enough the first time, he can make his own choices.

      I did think maybe he likes being a “safe date” and I know for certain I am a unique match for him, which is why he is holding on to me (he has said it multiple times over and over).

      As far as girlfriends involved…I involve my friends in just about every move I make these days. I have done some pretty damaging stuff to myself in the past and I think that those who love me best perhaps even know me better than I know myself sometimes. So, sharing this story with them is only one facet of what I share. This style maybe isn’t for everyone but it works for me. If the relationship with Finn became more serious (or anyone for that matter) I wouldn’t share private information.

      Thanks for hsaring your story. I do think sometimes we need perspective, and even our own trials to understand relationship mechanics.


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