All Quiet On The Western Front

All is quiet here in the Harper household for the moment.  Kids in school, it’s a beautiful day and my coffee is hot.

There hasn’t been much to report, I have a few posts bumping about in my head but they won’t come fully formed yet, so they sit until the words flow with more ease.

I don’t like to struggle when I write a post, it should come easily as something I like to share with you, or a thought or feeling I need to explore with myself.  But, I think, right now, I’m just being.  Simply being.

My resume is updated, though I have to make the format work for the modern-day executive and I’m getting some design help with that (it’s good to know a few designers!). I’ve been networking for an hour each day and starting to get feelers out.  I have met with at least 1-2 possible connections each week, friends to be sure, but friends who can help me in my search.  I feel good about where I landed this week and I know next week I will continue to do more, where possible.

I make an effort to stay in touch with my friends.  I fall too easily into hermit crab mode and I am not going to let this happen.  Being sick for close to 2 months and bedridden for a while was more than I can handle in one 6 month span.  I want to remain in contact and stay social.  I know this takes some work and I am going to put in the effort.  I have more time than they do, so I just flex around their schedules and availability.

This weekend for a long holiday weekend I am heading to San Fransisco and Napa Valley with the girls.  I can’t wait.  I probably won’t recall enough to write a blog post about it when I return!  The best part is that it’s all paid for with my frequent traveler miles!

My kids are going through a learning curve with me home.  We are definitely having a little shift of the power balance.  They are used to doing what they want when they want because a sitter was always with them.  Now, Mom is back in action and they are unsure how they feel about it.  We had a massive blowout when I installed an upgraded alarm system with GPS and video monitors.  2 of them threatened to walk out and I opened the door and nearly pushed them out.  They told me I was infringing on their privacy.  While my youngest wasn’t fussed by the alarm, he was especially fresh-mouthed and in a first time occurrence I yelled at him in an awful way.  Everyone ended up upset and crying.  I have reached a point where I’m exhausted by typical teenage behavior – and what’s worse – I know I did this to my mother, perhaps even worse…and I can’t talk to her about it.  So, not only do I feel guilt about being mean to my kids, I feel guilt about being a crappy daughter so many years ago.

This too shall pass, but I haven’t felt like I am being the mother I wish to be for the past few years and it’s just another emotional struggle to add to the pile.

I have my second date tonight with Ayden and I’m looking forward to seeing him.  I also have a narrative running in my head in regards to Ayden and it’s not a positive one.  Part of me just wants to sleep with him as I have come to believe that’s all this can amount to in any case.  It’s been hard to stop the negative talk going round in my head.

Finnian is still texting, though our schedules haven’t lined up and I haven’t seen him in two weeks or so.  I wouldn’t mind to have Finnian as an activity partner, but I don’t think that’s where he sees our relationship.

I haven’t had the energy to focus on the dating sites.  That surprises me more than anything with all this time on my hands.  But, I have decided to focus on Ayden for the time being and just see where it takes me.  If Ayden doesn’t work out with any merit, I will look again.  I like not being tied to the dating scene and it feels refreshing to me to finally be able to feel this way!

One of my closest friends Mary – you may recall, she is the friend whose husband was also my best friend and he passed away 2 September’s ago – well her sister and I served divorce papers on the same day (it was actually the day of the funeral and I recall writing a post) and she will be divorced just weeks after me on June 1.  Mary’s sister has been in an exclusive relationship for almost the entire time of her separation and just walked in on her boyfriend having another woman stay over his apartment for the weekend (of course, the weekend she had the kids and he thought he was safe).  So Mary’s sister is looking for a new best friend and she lives quite close to me, we are the same age, and she is a sweet woman so it will be nice to have a friend who is around to go out with over the summer.  I would prefer my friend Mary join us, but she just had gastric bypass and hates leaving her home.  Maybe once she loses a bit of weight she will start getting some of joy in life back.

So, as you see, it’s all normal life stuff around here with no special events to report.  I don’t think I will be posting for several days until after vacation, so I hope everyone enjoys their next week or so!

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

21 thoughts on “All Quiet On The Western Front”

      1. You will love it!!! I had so much fun last year and I’m excited to go back. Stop at Mumm if you have the chance they have a reportedly awesome Ansel Adams gallery, plus delicious bubbles! We have a reservation there for our group and I cannot wait!!!!

        Like

      2. Oh goodness how much I loved it! Now I can’t wait to go back!! Can I come with you??!

        I wanted to try and get to Mum but was outvoted!

        Can’t wait to hear about your trip! Have a n excellent time! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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