I did something stupid.

I didn’t think it was stupid at first, I thought it was funny.

But then, I paid attention to how I felt afterwards and I didn’t like it at all.  Maggie and Ann are going to be pleased with the ending of this post. 🙂

I was lying in bed, bored, and scrolling through Tinder.  I have enough on my plate that I don’t really care right now about Tinder, but, like I said, I was bored.  I had just deleted every match from the last 2 months, leaving only the date I had coming up.

That’s when I saw him – Brix.

A very fast recap on Brix for those who are unfamiliar with the back story – a year ago I met a man online that fed me the Words of Affirmation I so desire. He fed them to me so strongly that I agreed to hop on a plane to LA to meet him for the first time and spend a weekend with him.

I was encouraged and cautioned in equal amounts.  This was both exciting and scary.

While I was safe, it didn’t end well.  It was over as fast as it started, but painfully so.

A year ago, I didn’t understand that you can’t really know a person through text, email, and Skype.  You must meet the person.  A year ago, I didn’t know that you shouldn’t spend your first date in another city for 3 days, locked into the same room.  A year ago, I didn’t recognize the red flags flying everywhere.  A year ago, I just didn’t know.

Now I do.  Yet, I still make foolish mistakes.

So, I thought it was funny to swipe right on Brix.  It made me laugh.  Sure enough, we matched immediately.

Had I been smarter, I would have deleted the match immediately.  Satisfied the curiosity and moved on.  But my curiosity was greedy and I waited to see if he would text me.

He didn’t.  He deleted me within the hour.


Yep.  It hurt a teensy tiny bit, but hurt none-the-less.  But it’s totally ok, because here’s what I know now….

I had the control over swiping right on him, I released the control by matching with him and allowing him to delete me.  He matched with me for the exact same reason I matched with him – to satisfy his ego.  Once his ego was satisfied that I might still be interested in him, he deleted me.

I realize in hindsight, I have no need to satisfy my ego with a man who hurt me the way he did.

However, I can say thanks to Brix, once again, for teaching me a lesson the hard way.

I won’t let it happen again.

A year ago, I really didn’t understand what the wise women of the blog-o-sphere were telling me about red flags, moving too fast and getting too excited over a stranger.  Now I know.  It’s very true you can identify so many of these markers across multiple situations. In the end, it all just depends on if you choose to recognize them or not.


Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

21 thoughts on “Ouch”

  1. I would have done the exact same thing…curiosity is hard to overcome. You’ve grown immensely since that time in your life and little blips like this serve to show you just how much progress you’ve made…well done!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It is so good to see you have been evolving and learning through all this 🙂 We are all humans though and we make mistakes, curiosity gets the better of us sometimes. I am glad it was only a minor hurt, as you say.


  3. You are exhibiting great resilience my dear M, I have complete faith that you will rise in due time being the strong, but sexy and sensual woman you so desire to be. That was a momentary rejection and you handled it quite well. Not only did you handle it but you came and told us all about it. That shows real strength and resilience!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m getting there Oceans…I think the key is, that even if I am making poor choices, I now recognize why they are poor choices and how they affect my well being. It’s so much easier to see now. I learned a lot through the heartbreak and I can’t help but be grateful for making better choices now.

      Thanks for your support 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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