The Quick Return of Finn

I obviously did not make myself clear enough to Finn.

While his communication slowed, a little bit, it never really paused enough.  I knew a second conversation was going to be in order.

He asked me out for Saturday night, wanting to celebrate my divorce.  Oysters and Prosecco were included, of course.  We selected the restaurant together and he picked me up to drive into the city.

I admit, I felt a little strange.  It too me a little while to warm up to him fully and I wasn’t comfortable.  That caught me by surprise as I thought I would fall into him pretty easily, like before.  Maybe it was the fact that I knew the sex wasn’t any good that my subconscious already ruled out putting forth any additional effort.  It didn’t take very long to fall into a more natural cadence, and I wonder if he noticed.

Dinner was a lot of fun.  The restaurant was so small, crowded and loud that we had to lean our heads together at the table, at first, to be able to hear one another.  The first drinks and oysters arrived and by then we had fallen into easy banter.  Finn is easy on the eyes and easy to talk to and we are never at a loss for conversation.

After dinner, we decided to continue to drinks at a small bar.  The bar I suggested was within walking distance and I hadn’t work exceptionally high heels so I was able to walk the 10 or so blocks.  Finn says he’s 6′ but I had on 3″ heels and was looking him directly in the eye, so it feels more like 5’11” to me.  I’m actually not complaining, he is the first man (other than my x who is 5’11” now – he was 6′ when I met him) that I don’t mind standing eye to eye with.  I know, ridiculous to some, but to me it’s always been an issue so I am happy to find that when I really like someone, the height bothers me less.

Finn was happy that I took him to the bar I had been at with friends a week or so before.  I think he likes knowing “my territory” and being included in it.

We had a couple of drinks and it was time for a more serious conversation because the kissing had gone beyond soft, gentle and tentative from earlier in the evening.  He is a fantastic kisser and I can fall easily into his kisses.

We had to have the sex discussion.  I had a few drinks to loosen my inhibition enough and started with a turn on Sassy’s suggestion regarding chemistry.  I told Finn I didn’t feel the sexual chemistry I was looking for.  I was specific to tell him I needed a dominant male in the bedroom.

For a bit, Finn tried to convince me of his dominant aspect.  I looked him in the eye and asked him quite clearly if these were things he’d experienced or demonstrated in the past, or if these things were in his head.  I had a pretty strong inkling from previous experience, that these were ideas in his head.  He put his head down, I pulled him in close to hold him, and he whispered in my ear that this was how he imagined himself to be and I was the first person he ever admitted this to.

I don’t know why I seem to be the type of woman men like to tell their secrets to.  Sometimes, I feel like a sex therapist.

He realized in that moment that I had no judgement towards him, I was simply listening.  The flood gates opened and I heard a whole lot of his sexual history that I didn’t really need to know.  Well, if this is being a friend, then so be it, I can try to do it.  I listened, gave my thoughts when asked, and watched relief flood his face.  The bottom line really is that he is quite vanilla, straightforward in his sexual style, hasn’t had a lot of experience, and certainly has never done anything that could be considered spontaneous or exciting or out of the norm sexually.  It’s all in the bed sex, period.

And then he dropped the bomb that he had been experiencing ED for the past couple years.  I understand, the man is 49, but this wasn’t a conversation I could engage in because it’s too close to my marriage issues.  He said he was so thrilled by me because when he is around me, there is no ED and he’s raring to go at all times.  He also told me the sex we had was the best orgasm he has ever had….as in ever, ever.

I knew before the sex was a no-go, but if I just gave him the most intense orgasm he has ever had, and I thought the sex was terrible, we clearly can’t ever do that again.

I reiterated there could be no sex between us.  He said he understood.

He wanted to ask me questions about my sex life and I allowed him to ask a few.  I stayed away from the ones that had more of an emotional undercurrent to them, or any that might cause excitement in my voice.  I told him a little about the sex clubs (he asked if we could go so we could watch and when I said “sure”  I saw panic cross his face!)

It was early but we chose to leave the bar and he had to drive me home.  I knew he would be staying over.  It was a long drive to my home and then too much longer for him to be driving back to his home.

I wondered which lines would be crossed.

We sat on the back porch of my home with some drinks and before I knew it, we were jumping on the trampoline together.  Jumping on a trampoline after a few drinks eventually led to falling on one another in a heap!  The laughter led to kissing and the kissing led to more.  He asked if he could satisfy me and I said I couldn’t return the favor.

He didn’t care.

And, I didn’t, in the moment.  Somewhere in my brain I knew it was wrong to allow Finn to go down on me, but my libido had taken over at this point.   It took longer than it should have and with some guidance, but I did get there.  He followed me to my bedroom and crawled into bed with me.  He fell asleep wrapped around me and stayed there most of the night.

I knew he was restless, but I was too tired to move.  I felt him up and down during the night but didn’t do anything to soothe him, I stayed on my side of the bed.  He came back to hold me most of the night.  Petting and kissing but never making an attempt to have sex, never pressed against me in a sexual way, this was pure comfort.

Early morning came and he asked to leave.  He said he had been anxious and was tired from a week of travel, excitement and late nights.  He just needed to get home to reset and relax.  I could tell that all my spontaneity was a bit much for him.  As much as it attracts him and excites him, I am too much for him.   He is like the moth to the flame with me.

I felt some guilt later that day, knowing I should have chosen to stay away from him entirely, and at least in a sexual way.  The strangest thing is that he is such an amazing kisser and everything else falls short.  I was pulled into his kisses and I shouldn’t have let that happen.

I did hear from him once during the day, a polite text to check in, but no good night.  And no good morning the next day.  Both good signs.  I hope his anxiety was telling him that it won’t work between us, his gut doing the job his heart doesn’t want to do.

I know this is wrong and I have to stay my course.  It’s unfair to Finn.


Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

8 thoughts on “The Quick Return of Finn”

  1. May I ask why you agreed to a celebratory dinner with Finn after you had already told him you didn’t want a relationship with him? And why you allowed any kissing to even start up? I’m not intending to be judgmental — I’m just trying to figure out where your head was at and why you decided to keep seeing him or move forward with anything remotely sexual when you find him sexually unappealing. I am glad that you were able to do some soul searching and decided that it was unfair to Finn. All any of us can do to change is to try to figure out why we act the way we do and then take steps (even baby steps) to change that way of thinking and our behavior. I work on it every single damn day.


    1. You pretty much nailed it Jana…I did tell him I would see him for dinner as a friend and we both crossed those lines later in the evening. I am actually very attracted to him as long as it doesn’t move past kissing – which is weird in itself. Part of me feels like he is aware of how I feel and he is an adult that can make his own decisions as well. Part of me feels it’s unfair.

      I don’t take any of your comments as judgmental at all, please continue! Thanks!


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