Controlling Bad Behavior Isn’t My Forte

Now that I don’t have a schedule I’ve started falling into a little funk. I’ve decided that next week I’m going to put myself on more of a routine, even if that doesn’t include working in an office each day.

While I’ve been mulling over the job loss post, I’m not really ready to address it just yet.

I will stick to the ridiculous dating endeavors instead.

This year I am clear exactly what behaviors create wasted energy in terms of dating. So far, I’ve been really pretty good at choosing men I thought I would have sincere potential for dating.

Then I got bored and the bad decisions started.

All of my decisions start out fun, and I’m often-times drinking.  Then I get myself into a situation and realize “I don’t really want to be here.”  This only happened once before I knew I was going to certainly lose my job and I did an ok job of extracting myself from the situation in the early morning.

But then it happened again as my nerves started to get the best of me.

And now I find myself making it worse.

I hate the fact that I desire male companionship so badly that I make bad decisions.

Why do I do it?

I love the chemistry, the butterflies, the feeling that you are going to have sex and its going to be a thrill. I keep looking for it. For a while I did well putting dating priorities above sexual priorities.

But now, I have made a series of stupid mistakes that I need to pull back from.  I thought I would find myself writing a post about all the dumb things I have done these past 2 weeks, but its fruitless.  I used to even enjoy writing the posts of my bad behavior.  But now, now I know what I have done is wrong.  I know the men I have engaged with are a waste of my time and I am doing it to not dwell on  the fact I lost my job and haven’t yet found my ability to focus on the right things.

Hilights include speaking to men I know are not right for me, reaching out to old flames and meeting someone before I had fully vetted through a likelihood of compatibility.

So while the adventures of the past 2 weeks would make for some fun reading, I’ve decided not to put any more energy or time into the mistakes than they deserve.  Suffice to say, they were foolish…but actually did not lead to any meaningless sex or any crazy antics.

The good news is, that after this series of mistakes, I come out the other end knowing I don’t feel good about this behavior.  A year or more ago, I couldn’t identify why I shouldn’t engage in bad behavior and now it’s glaringly apparent to me.  The boost of a few moments still leaves me empty inside longing for something these interactions are never going to give me.

I may have finally found some self-worth these last weeks.  These men do not deserve my time or energy, even if I have plenty of it these days.  The thrill of the sex isn’t thrilling enough to let me keep doing what I am doing.

While I can’t necessarily focus on a boyfriend, I can still make good choices in men.  I need to invest properly in anyone I choose to meet.  Which means taking the time to vet through them before meeting them.  Honestly, the good ones are worth the time anyway.  It’s just that I am impatient and horny most of the time.

In the midst of it all, there is one guy (who, horror of horrors does not meet my height requirement!) who I really like on first and second pass.  I’m due to meet him later this week, so lets’ see how that goes.

This dating thing is not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure.  You need a lot of resilience and tolerance to manage on-line dating.  Some days I have it, and other days it wears me out.  One thing I do know is that we all have to make our own mistakes, in our own time.  I have had amazing advice on the blog for a long time, but it took having the experiences and being able to look back at them to truly understand what these women were trying to tell me.  Their advice was (is) sound, but I have proven to be stubborn and insistent on getting through this my own way.

What I like about having self-awareness is that it comes across really clearly when you are making a mistake.  I can choose to ignore what I know to be right (like I did above) or I can choose to stop making mistakes.  I understand what it feels like to be empowered in terms of dating.  I can use my powers for good or evil. 🙂

The evil M is, in fact, quite fun.  Getting into trouble is exhausting though and I am getting too old for this shit.

 

 

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

19 thoughts on “Controlling Bad Behavior Isn’t My Forte”

  1. In some ways we are a lot a like. I haven’t been without a guy since I was 17. I never took a break. I started dating 2 weeks after my ex and I separated. I have been using men to distract myself from the pain and fear of being alone. As of yesterday I am going to take my first break ever, no dating websites till my birthday. I’m wondering how that will go. It’s definitely going to be a challenge.

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    1. Yes, I agree…I like to have a man around and it definitely is hard for me to go without. I had taken a short break and it was good for the soul, but I was heartbroken….I haven’t taken a break while I’m in a better place yet.

      In this case, I’m not so much looking to take a break, as just stop choosing dates/men who are wrong for me in order to avoid loneliness.

      When is your birthday Caroline? How long will the break be?

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  2. I have been engaging in some behaviors that I know are not healthy — eating too much junk, not exercising, gambling too much, procrastinating finding a better job…oh, and did I mention sex with the ex? I’m not much of a drinker — but I still manage to be pretty destructive without the liquor. I’m trying to figure out why I continue to do these things when I feel so crappy and disgusted with myself afterwards. The sex with my ex thing doesn’t make me feel disgusted afterwards — in fact, I enjoy it. However, the fact that he is my ex — and that I know there is really no future for us — and that I still don’t feel very important in his life (and really? I know better — that wasn’t our deal when we started fucking again). But I know logically that it is keeping me from moving forward and finding someone who WILL treat me like I’m very important in his life. I know I’ve made a lot of progress in my life with therapy and self-introspection — but sometimes I feel like I haven’t made ANY progress — why else would I be so confused about my behavior and frustrated by my lack of willpower? So, M — when I give you advice, I have no doubt it is good advice — but I’m a huge hypocrite because I don’t always follow that advice myself.

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    1. Oh gosh, I haven’t even addressed my other unhealthy behaviors that I have been partaking in…definintely too much snacking lately and no exercise…but that’s going to stop. The crappy and disgusted part – yea, I’m over that after this week – it’s not worth it. I wouldn’t say I felt quite that extreme, I just felt like they were worthless interactions.

      Sticking with the x, in my experience, does hold you back but its a super hard thing to move away from until you are truly ready.

      Keep the advcie coming, Jana! 🙂

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  3. TROUBLEMAKER! 🙂
    Dating certainly is exhausting. I’ve often described it as a second full-time job if you let it become that. I’m happy that you’ve had some fun along the way AND yet are very self-aware of what’s been happening.
    Use your Good powers for Evil conquest, then we’re all set.
    Tee-hee

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