Now that I don’t have a schedule I’ve started falling into a little funk. I’ve decided that next week I’m going to put myself on more of a routine, even if that doesn’t include working in an office each day.
While I’ve been mulling over the job loss post, I’m not really ready to address it just yet.
I will stick to the ridiculous dating endeavors instead.
This year I am clear exactly what behaviors create wasted energy in terms of dating. So far, I’ve been really pretty good at choosing men I thought I would have sincere potential for dating.
Then I got bored and the bad decisions started.
All of my decisions start out fun, and I’m often-times drinking. Then I get myself into a situation and realize “I don’t really want to be here.” This only happened once before I knew I was going to certainly lose my job and I did an ok job of extracting myself from the situation in the early morning.
But then it happened again as my nerves started to get the best of me.
And now I find myself making it worse.
I hate the fact that I desire male companionship so badly that I make bad decisions.
Why do I do it?
I love the chemistry, the butterflies, the feeling that you are going to have sex and its going to be a thrill. I keep looking for it. For a while I did well putting dating priorities above sexual priorities.
But now, I have made a series of stupid mistakes that I need to pull back from. I thought I would find myself writing a post about all the dumb things I have done these past 2 weeks, but its fruitless. I used to even enjoy writing the posts of my bad behavior. But now, now I know what I have done is wrong. I know the men I have engaged with are a waste of my time and I am doing it to not dwell on the fact I lost my job and haven’t yet found my ability to focus on the right things.
Hilights include speaking to men I know are not right for me, reaching out to old flames and meeting someone before I had fully vetted through a likelihood of compatibility.
So while the adventures of the past 2 weeks would make for some fun reading, I’ve decided not to put any more energy or time into the mistakes than they deserve. Suffice to say, they were foolish…but actually did not lead to any meaningless sex or any crazy antics.
The good news is, that after this series of mistakes, I come out the other end knowing I don’t feel good about this behavior. A year or more ago, I couldn’t identify why I shouldn’t engage in bad behavior and now it’s glaringly apparent to me. The boost of a few moments still leaves me empty inside longing for something these interactions are never going to give me.
I may have finally found some self-worth these last weeks. These men do not deserve my time or energy, even if I have plenty of it these days. The thrill of the sex isn’t thrilling enough to let me keep doing what I am doing.
While I can’t necessarily focus on a boyfriend, I can still make good choices in men. I need to invest properly in anyone I choose to meet. Which means taking the time to vet through them before meeting them. Honestly, the good ones are worth the time anyway. It’s just that I am impatient and horny most of the time.
In the midst of it all, there is one guy (who, horror of horrors does not meet my height requirement!) who I really like on first and second pass. I’m due to meet him later this week, so lets’ see how that goes.
This dating thing is not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure. You need a lot of resilience and tolerance to manage on-line dating. Some days I have it, and other days it wears me out. One thing I do know is that we all have to make our own mistakes, in our own time. I have had amazing advice on the blog for a long time, but it took having the experiences and being able to look back at them to truly understand what these women were trying to tell me. Their advice was (is) sound, but I have proven to be stubborn and insistent on getting through this my own way.
What I like about having self-awareness is that it comes across really clearly when you are making a mistake. I can choose to ignore what I know to be right (like I did above) or I can choose to stop making mistakes. I understand what it feels like to be empowered in terms of dating. I can use my powers for good or evil. 🙂
The evil M is, in fact, quite fun. Getting into trouble is exhausting though and I am getting too old for this shit.