Oh, Sweet Finnian

He really is such a nice guy. If I didn’t have to have sex with him, I think I could date him for a while and be perfectly content with his company.

Finnian is intelligent, kind, smart and just as sweet as they come.

But I knew my heart wasn’t in it for reasons beyond the hairy mole, hair au natural,  dirty apartment, and lonely stalker potential. The real reasons are that he is probably too soft for me and the sex is bad.  And I don’t have the butterflies I so desire. Chemistry is always a requirement for me.

But, I will qualify this, the dirty apartment is potentially a deal breaker for me.  Maybe not for you, and maybe you think it’s because I’m not so into finn, but I don’t like dirty.  I don’t get past dirty. And I am never, ever, ever going to be the one to clean.  So dirty and disorganized have newly popped onto my radar as things that would be important to me in a suitor.  Hadn’t given it much thought before because I haven’ t been to many mens homes.

I debated if I could hold out and see if any sparks developed. I knew there was little to no chance but I so wanted it to work out. Hell, my close friends wanted him to work out they liked him so much. Once we had sex though, well, you know the story there.

We tried to connect by phone a few times earlier this week and just didn’t sync up. I knew I had to be forthcoming with him.  He was asking to make plans with me over the weekend and while I buffered the request with the truth, that I had plans with Boo, I would have found the time to see him if it was a priority.

We did finally manage to get together on the phone midweek and I was as honest and kind as I could be, because I was pretty sure his heart was breaking just a little.

I told Finn that I thought too much was going on in my life at the moment to concentrate on dating with any sincerity and that, because he is so easy to be with and so good to me, I was worried I would abuse his kindness.

He was quick to tell me how he felt nothing but sincerity from me, which is true.  But I was clear to say that I wasn’t in the right frame of mind and just didn’t see us being on the same dating pages.  He said he would always be here for me and hoped we would remain friends.  He said he was clear that I could only offer him friendship right now.

We talked a bit more about my profile on OKC.  He pointed out that when he met me, and when we talked about my profile over 3 weeks ago, my head seemed in a different place.  I said this was true, I was ready to stop casual dating and look for something more serious.  I also said that I always had hope I wouldn’t be losing my job, but it’s just not how things netted out.  Too much of my identity is wrapped up in my career, now I have to re-establish a bit of myself and I can’t do this while trying to build a relationship, with anyone.  This is the truth, whether it’s Finn or the next guy, my time needs to be spent taking care of my needs and my life’s needs right now.  Icing on the cake in the form of a relationship, while I long for it, just cannot take any priority at this time.

I didn’t address the sex or the chemistry, I just don’t think I needed to.  It’s up to me to slow him down or stop him if he continues to pursue, but I actually don’t think he will.  I do think he will maintain contact, I did agree to one more Oyster date to celebrate my divorce, but I don’t know how long this will last before it fades to nothing.

After our conversation, I received a few text from Finn:


Finn was a real “almost.”  We almost had the right kind of connection and he is a man worthy of getting the best from any woman he dates.  I can’t give him the commitment he desires (though he tried to suggest he was open to being casual with me, I said that wouldn’t work with us) and I respect what a great guy he is, and I don’t want to ruin the fun we did have as it was good, sincere and genuine.

I wish I could give Finn to someone who needs a guy like this.  Despite the lack of sexual connection, I would recommend his character quite highly.

Oh, sweet Finn.  Goodbye.

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

17 thoughts on “Oh, Sweet Finnian”

  1. Well done, M. You handled that with tact, grace, and empathy. Not too many people do that well.
    Perhaps you need to add “home visit” to your dating requirements as well. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Poor guy.

    I tend to use the “I don’t feel the chemistry I am looking for” when letting a guy know it’s not going to happen between us…my worry for Fin is that if he thinks it’s just a matter of “poor timing” he is likely willing to linger waiting for you to be ready.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Honesty is paramount. It hurts sometimes but not as much as a lie. You did the right thing.
    The dirty apartment….that rang a bell. Losers’ car was filthy inside….papers everywhere, cigarette ashes, golf shit…and his condo! Papers stacked up to the ceiling and all over the sofa and loveseat. I was wondering what that WTC thought when he took her over there and she eventually moved in.
    Did he let her clean? He sure wouldn’t let me. I kept our house clean but he always had shit stacked beside the television in the kitchen….year old pizza coupons….etc. When I finally had enough and put things where they were supposed to be…he almost went postal!
    Back to that WTC….I’m sure she didn’t care what his car or his condo looked like…as long as he could find that checkbook! LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Poor Finn. I would bet that he is an Engineer or something in IT. They are perfect for their jobs but tend to be kind of yuck with every thing else. And yep they are very attentive and caring, but the most inexperienced lovers ever… I know an engineer who washes his sheets about once ever two months or about 6 times a year… also does not shave his “down there,” and has a high IQ, but Zero common sense.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well done, M. I was curious if the manscaping conversation was going to rear its head, and in a way I’m glad you didn’t have to go there with him. Love sassygirl40’s line about chemistry – succinct, clear, and all about you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I did actually mention the hair and he was amicable to removing it – no hesitation.

      But I do think I am going to have to tap into the chemistry line as I don’t think Finn has gotten the message fully


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