The Ones Who Jump In, Jump Out Just As Fast

So here I am all starry-eyed like a school girl and totally crushing on my new OKC match for 4 days.  I even called him “My Crush” for the week.

It was fun while it lasted.  All that fluttery tummy feeling from the Butterflies is always fun.

Here’s how it played out in a nutshell…..

I met him on-line on Monday evening and we chatted, moving to phone/text by Tuesday.  We hit it off immediately.  His dialogue was funny and interesting.  Once we really started talking, the butterflies started.  I knew there was something different about this man.

It wasn’t until a few days later that I recognized myself in him and realized this is probably one of the reasons I am so intensely attracted.  I love to dive right into a romance.  I believe in the fairy tale.  I believe that you can meet someone and fall in love at first sight kind of thing.  I’m the type that will fall in love on-line with enough engagement.  I just believe in love and all the silly romantic notions that go with it.

It’s the kiss of death.  I know it.  I can’t help it just yet.

I have made this mistake twice before.  Once I got really hurt and it wasn’t pretty.  Once I had a lot of dating fun and it ended ok and I wasn’t so upset.   The point is, after it happened really hard the first time, I got a little better at recognizing the red flags – theirs and mine.  I did slightly better the second time.

It almost started to happen with Mr. Electricity, but that never really got off the ground because it happened so fast.

This guy though, he was just like me.  In fact, he might be worse than me.  He dove in so hard and fast that I had to pull back and that is a role reversal for me.  He was so fast and deep that I started to feel like I had to push him away just to keep from letting myself be suffocated by his adoration.  My problem is, I like being suffocated by adoration.  I am telling you, while you may look at this and see crazy, I love it.

From Monday evening through to the time I met him on Thursday evening, he was in constant contact.  Texting like crazy, lots of phone calls (5 on Wednesday alone) and tons of indications that he was head over heels ready to find a great relationship.

We spoke about a lot of different things, sex included, and we were on the same page for almost everything.  He was so sweet to me and I got text like this from him:

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We finally met on Thursday evening at one of the coolest, hard to get into bars in the city.  A super luxurious speakeasy that feels like being in your own private library, leather-bound books and club chair as well as an intense selection of whiskey and bourbon.

I arrived first and he kissed me the moment he arrived.  Massive sparks.

We spent the next two hours gazing into one another’s eyes.  I had to look away several times because I (really) felt like he was staring into me.  Silly and ridiculous smiles plastered across both of our faces.  Hands intertwined.  We were noses apart for most of the evening, heads bent in close and touching one another.  Fuck.  I was going to fall right into him, I could feel it.

I wanted to.  I wanted to believe this was going to happen to me.  I wanted to believe it’s possible and that fairy tales do exist.  I wanted to overlook the fact that jumping in to deep waters so fast is a field full of red flags.  I just want to believe, god dammit.  Why can’t it be real?

Somewhere, deep, deep inside of me, I just know it’s not.  It never is.  The cynic is telling me it’s all a trap or a game or something I can’t identify, but when men jump in this fast, they jump out even faster.  I know this.  We all know this.  While I desperately want to believe in some fantasy world of romance, it just doesn’t exist.  There were several times I had to back away, take a deep breath and reset us.

He wanted to know too much too soon.  I suggested we wait for some of these conversations.  There would be plenty of time if we got to know one another.

The time came to a close quickly and towards the end he pulled me into him closely, had his hands on both of my shoulders and gazed at me intently “Are you ready for this?”  I made a joke and replied “ready for what” and he persisted with “are you really ready for this, for us?”   We parted with a lovely kiss and went our separate ways with an agreement to see one another the next night for dinner and the opera.

He had asked me to sleep over after opera and I declined.  I did acknowledge somewhere in the recesses of my brain that he didn’t like this reply.

I had a lovely commute home filled with the smell of him on my lips and thoughts of him in my head.  I was convinced he would be calling me later that evening.

But he didn’t, and I noticed he was back on OKC.

Nor did I get a Good Morning text.

Until this:

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Well, then.  Not what I wanted to hear, nor what I expected.  I sort of knew, when he didn’t call me in the evening, something was off.  This was not a man allergic to over-communication or picking up the phone as demonstrated by his behavior all week.

I admit, I almost cried.  Almost.  I had just started to allow myself to get excited and hopeful.  I had that really hopeful moment.  I so, so, so badly wanted it all to be real.  Jesus, just for once, I wanted to have that kind of intense romance out of the gate.

But, it obviously wasn’t meant to be.  This was the man who went from 0-100 back to 0 in the space of 5 days. Red flags galore.

Now for the game of deciphering dating-text-language.

All of my friends had differing opinions about this text.  Some felt like it was disingenuous.  Some felt he was honest.  Some said block him and don’t engage again.  But, M being M, I did, as directly and kindly as possible:

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And he replied after some time:

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It took me some time to finally send a reply.  The text was a massive change in tone from “are you ready for this?” to using the past tense “enjoyed” when referring to communicating with me.

I still wanted to cry, almost.  I was upset.  I liked this guy.  The night before was fantastic.  There was no indication of things we didn’t connect on.  I honestly don’t know what he is even referring to.  The whole message set me off-balance from where we had started.

But, this was the second time in a week that I knew his response had nothing to do with me.  This was all about him.  I believe that because he didn’t get what he wanted from me (staying over after Opera) he changed his tune.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Irrelevant either way.

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I just decided I wasn’t ready to write him off fully.  So I went with the response that offered the least resistance.  Simply stating I wanted to see him again.  I also admit to playing games at this point.  The one text he sent was too full of volatility to let go.  He had swung the pendulum too far for recovery in my opinion.  I was torn between equal parts of “I know your game, you douche” and “oh gosh, I really liked him, can I fix this?”

The less foolish side of me took over and I decided to play nice, with the intention of getting him to admit he wanted to sleep with me tonight.

Not only that, we played this out in live-time at work.  Everyone read and participated in these text.

Did I mention that I am sometimes a 46-year-old woman with the brain of a 16-year-old girl?  Yea, it happens.  But let me tell you…everyone at work (and there are 7 girls), everyone single one, was in for the tease because they thought he was a jerk.

Now I would see what I would get back if I reverted to sweet, sexy M.  No challenge, just totally sexually charged and interested in her man and making him feel like he’s King of the World.

Of course such a simple response elicited an entirely different tone:

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Let the games begin (and for the record, even ASV should note I’m not this sappy, ever! IRL):

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Here’s the absolute truth under my dilemma.

While you are screaming at me to cut the douche bag loose – I liked him, I can’t help it.  I was massively attracted to him.  Hell, I can still taste him now as I think about it.

Now that I know what an asshole he is – posing as a loving relationship-orientated gentleman – why can’t I just sleep with him?  I finally found a small key within myself and disengaged emotionally from him….by including my friends in the back and forth, hearing others opinions and listening.   I realized the guy was simply a jerk and didn’t care about me or my feelings and what’s worse, presented himself as admiring honesty in a relationship.

ASV rightly stated that I am basically rewarding his bad behavior by doing so and in the process, devaluing myself.  How was I going to feel about myself after I slept with him?

Here’s what I think happened…during the conversation he asked if he was my type and I replied honestly “no, you are not” and we went on to talk over what’s my type.  I made it clear that he fully attracted me and the fact that he wasn’t my type made the chemistry even better, in fact.  The second thing was a silly, offhanded sexual comment about “size” and he asked if I was a size queen.  While we bantered about this, he stated he was “average size” and asked if that would bother me.

Honestly, I think I put him off….he wanted to be King of the World and he got a nice, honest dose of Madeline instead.

Now, this man is a high-end fashion photographer and he has photographed some of the most beautiful and amazing people in this world.  He also owns a fashion and arts magazine.  While he was sitting there calling me beautiful and gorgeous all evening, I couldn’t help but think “do I trust this?”  If I was dating you for a year and I knew you, maybe I could believe that…but this was a first date and I don’t hold a candle to any model.  I am an attractive 46-year-old woman.  Sure, I might be above average, but I don’t have a drop dead gorgeous modelesque body and this is a man who is surrounded by it, and, yes, has bedded it more than once.  It didn’t sit right with me.

I had said to him, right out of the gate that I thought I could be too prosaic for him.  I’m not into the same cultural/artsy activities that he is.  While he disregarded this about me immediately, I do think it sank in (probably when he met someone else to flirt with the next day on OKC).

Further, he talked about women quite a bit.  The beauty of women.  Bodies of women.  Shape, size,ethnicity, etc.  There were times I had to remind myself that I am fine just the way I am, but this might bother me if I stayed with him.    I find it curious (maybe humorous is a better word, actually) that he is put-off that I may not think he is the cat’s meow physically and sexually.  I just don’t know.

It’s all requiring way too much thinking too early on.  It should be brilliant, light and funny in the beginning.  This got too serious too fast and one thing I do know that my mother told me:

Every dog has its bone.

So if I’m not the bone for you, I can go and find another dog who might just think I’m the best bone ever. (pun intended)

I got him to finally come around, quite easily, as you can see in the few text it took to get him feeling like he was in control.

He’s found the perfect lover…… I am pretty sure just 10 text before he wanted to slow down.

If there is a human in the world than can interpret this ridiculous chain of text events, let me know.

He called me a little after that last message and asked what time he could meet me.

I went on my way and enjoyed my Friday evening with friends and a random Bumble date instead.

…………………………………………………………………………………..

Fast forward to Sunday and here was our text exchange:

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What bothers me most about this exchange is that the words and expressions he uses are entirely thoughtless….he uses familiar speech patterns when he isn’t genuine.

To be honest, I don’t think I will hear much from him again.

I didn’t block and delete him because I am sexually attracted to him and wouldn’t mind a romp.

The Butterflies, fortunately, flew away.

Too bad, back to the drawing board.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

44 thoughts on “The Ones Who Jump In, Jump Out Just As Fast”

    1. Oh the slut and whore doesn’t affect me at all… in fact, I sort of like it when used in the appropriate context. I am a total slut and I love it. And to be someone’s whore, again, I like that reference. It’s filthy and dirty and just how I like my sex and men. We had spoken about using those words and he did not take them out of context and knew I wouldn’t either.

      His flip-floppiness is another story entirely….

      Like

  1. What a F’ing douche! So typical of the guys that are out there unfortunately.
    I am a lot like you. I believe in love no matter how hurt I get, and I will keep trying because I refuse to give up on the thing I want most… But people like this can make being optimistic really difficult.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My friends and I have pretty much named him the d-bag at this point. He is. The problem is, I am totally attracted to him, beyond any reasonable explantion.

      I agree with you about being optimistic, because I am so positive, he sort of drains it from me.

      Like

  2. You still haven’t blocked him? You’re killing me 🙄🙄🙄😘😘😘
    ^^ first emojis I’ve ever used in a comment, just for you.
    And as you and I discussed at length, a big thing for me is someone who is all love and unicorns before you’ve even met. Or after one date… There’s a balance between being excited (I’m excited after my date with Ian, no question), but people with little impulse control? It’s going to show in bad ways too… As I found out he hard way with HWSNBN 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have a total emoji game going…there are few men that don’t end up using emoji with me so I must bring out all their emojiness!

      I can’t help it with this one. I admit. It’s all right being all wrong.

      Like

  3. I think we were sisters in another life time. I too love to be suffocated by love. It’s one of my vices, I think.
    Is he genuine? Nope not at all. He’s just after S.E.X! Is he an assole? Yup for sure. He seems like this pompous brat. Don’t settle.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. He’s not genuine – until I am next to him and then I am the Queen and it’s almost easy to believe it. And then, I don’t. Brat is a PERFECT word for him.

      There is something intangible here that I am not ready to say no to just yet.

      Suffocated by love seems like a great vice, as long as it’s real.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Why does this whole exchange (and the possibility of its continuance) bother me so? While I think he’s a total ass-hat, wtf are you leading him on for? Playing such silly games? Sharing all this with coworkers? You know now he’s not a keeper. Good. Sex only? Fine. But why all this teenager prank text shit? He has a not unreasonable expectation of dealing with an adult. Where did she go?

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Beacuse you don’t like my immaturity – and that’s totally what it was. Childish. However, it was fun and I didn’t care and this guy is such a d-bag it was even better that he cant see into my game. I don’t know, it felt good to be a d-bag back to him.

      Yep. Immaturity.

      However, may I remind you this is still better than leaving my panties on someone’s car window and that didn’t bother you as much!!!!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, you’ve got me there (about the panties thing). In my defence, it was early days reading you, and I was so taken aback, I just stood and (virtually) stared. I figured that was pure seething adrenaline in action. This, however, was planned and involved collaboration.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes. This was quite intentional. And it felt good to be a childlike bitch. Sorry to disappoint Marty. This one just brought out that aspect of me (and all the girls)

        Like

      1. Unrealistic expectations mostly. It often really is a case of “It isn’t you, it’s me”.

        The dating scene is a zombie apocalypse of emotional cripples staggering towards each other with arms outstretched, but sometimes the collision results in an accidental choke-hold and the husk of humans veer away from each other, easily distracted by the longing arms of another zombie.

        Like

  5. I am actually pretty happy to read that the butterfly effect did not overwhelm you on Thursday night and you declined the opportunity to sleep with him on Friday. That’s progress. But once you realized what douche he is, I am a bit taken aback at your game indulgence. I know I shouldn’t be surprised at the dating games that go on – I read about them online and get story after story after story in real life conversations – yet it is still disquieting to read about.

    On the whole, though, I think you are staying present in the dating game when it truly matters. The potential for butterfly-induced trauma seemed like a real possibility with this guy and I’m glad it was averted.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. That whole man was a giant red flag!! So sorry it wasn’t “real” like you wanted it to be at first. I can relate to that, completely. I also wish to find that person that you fall in love with “madly, truly, deeply” and fast, too. But it just never seems to work out that way. I still have hope though, for both me and you.
    Sadly, all this man can offer is probably sex and some crazy-making mind games. Doesn’t seem worth it, in my eyes. I do hope you find your love soon, though! xo

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sounds like he is an experienced fisherman — he baits the hook and, when he doesn’t get the result he would like (you sleeping with him after the opera), he pulls in the lure and lets you know that you really weren’t the fish he wanted (especially when you called him on his bullshit). However, as soon as you agree that you would love to see him when he gets back, he thinks he has hooked you with his whole disinterested act — and suddenly he’s all in — because the prospect of sex is back on the table. And the more you seem like you’ve taken the bait — hook, line and sinker, the more he ups his sexual game — because, after all, you are a “horny slut” and he thinks you should have sex right away (when just a bit ago, there was “no reason to rush”).

    I was just reading Ann’s last post a bit ago and someone mentioned an article by Mark Manson and provided the link — it’s a good read. In fact, all of his stuff is a good read. There are some interesting articles about setting boundaries and how personality types figure into relationships. But, in a nutshell — why would you want to be with someone who only is interested in you if he thinks he’s going to get to fuck you soon? Why waste your time playing “games” with him? What’s your end game with that?

    Please don’t think I’m being all judgmental where you are concerned — I have recently found myself panting after someone when obviously they are not “Fuck yes!” into me. It’s time for me to strengthen my boundaries and examine my self-esteem issues. His articles were a real eye-opener.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So that’s a great point but there are serious inconsistencies with his fishing abilities (too long to explain). Just let’s say, he hasn’t been out much, he’s been around an awful lot…and I think he is over-excited at prospects. He is meeting me too early in his dating game and while he connected to me, he is freaked out that it happened so early – it fits the bill for him perfectly. There are mature ways to handle that, but he hasn’t matured enough in his dating to know what they are – and maybe he won’t because he’s simply a d-bag.

      I have no reason to play games, I just did. We were in a mood and it was fun. Welcome to the city – all is fair in love and war at any age. I just read the “Fuck yes!” article and agree with it – but let me say this – I want to sleep with this man, in the worst way..and this will probably continue until I get that out of my system.

      Like

  8. What a shame. This guy was out for the take from the get-go. Doesn’t say much for him. It may be PTSD, but I really hate those words slut and whore. Maybe in another lifetime, where I’m single and unashamedly out for just sex, I “might” entertain a guy who talks to me like that. But certainly not after one date. Maybe I’m just too vanilla now, in my old age.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Nah, this guy is no good. Too fast always indicates to me a man does this with everyone. Don’t fall for him. He’s already giving you excuses of how you’re not compatible with him. Use him for sex if you want but do not in any way get attached to him. If you have to ask yourself and others, then usually it’s a good indication it’s a bad idea.
    Good luck! You are pretty self aware… you just seem to not give af when hormones are in the drivers seat! 😉 lol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This “not giving into hormones” is relatively recent, as in this month! I am not usually so self aware but I am really trying to change this and accept what I see in front of me instead of trying to pretend it can be something else.

      I need the sex, and I can’t keep worrying about how I get it all the time.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Okay, I’m just going to say it. When I was young and in Antwerp I met a Frenchman who fed me all the lines which I knew were lines and I played along. All I can say is he came in my hand. without me touching him. This guy is a come in your hand sort and if that is your thing then my advice to you is buy lots of antibacterial soap. You’ll need it as your constantly have to clean up after his ego (and other things!)

    Liked by 1 person

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