It’s in the air.
Something about the month, the water, the smell, the breeze. I don’t know. But it’s time.
I am very thankful that the vice-grip on my heart was partially dismantled earlier this month by a jolt of sexual electricity. I desperately needed the reminder that I will be a sexual being again and my blood will flow white-hot for someone.
Do you know how good that felt?
As silly as this may sound, I felt my body and mind relax and tell me true acceptance for last summer is coming. Eventually, the memory will remain pleasant and wonderful, and maybe even stay rose-colored for a long time to come. That’s ok with me. The universe didn’t give me what I thought I wanted and needed so badly for a reason, there must be a reason.
I just don’t need to find the reason anymore.
Now I just need to find what’s next for me in terms of a relationship.
I have been careful about who I am speaking with. It’s so much easier to weed through the wasteland, and actually even less disheartening, when you stop entertaining people who will do no more than absorb your energy. If I don’t match with you Mr. Handsome Brain Surgeon, I’m going to match with that next handsome man….soon. I know it.
Now, I know it.
I found an amazing match!
I matched with someone who was damn near perfect in too many ways to count AND had a similar style to my own in terms of dating.
I felt my pulse quicken. With each text, and then with each call, the magic carpet came to carry us both away.
It was soooooooooooo hard (yes, it required that many “o’s” because it was THAT hard for me!) to slow down.
But, slow it down I did, a little. I admitted to getting carried away easily and suggested meeting in person might do us both a favor.
I met him on OKC. Ever since I altered my search criteria, I have been coming up with much better matches.
He is tall, 6’2″ and very modern looking. Edgy. Interestingly enough, he had one sort of distance photo where I couldn’t see his face and we hit it off on repartee long before I finally saw his face. He is handsome, really handsome. An amazing life and career. A son. Almost divorced. He shaves his head entirely so that will be a first for me.
The banter flowed smoothly and easily. He was kind, gentle, silly, attentive and curious. We found 100 weird coincidences like our sons have the same name, we are born on the same day (different month), he has the same name as my father/brother, his profile has one of the same tag lines mine does, and more silly little things like that.
He text a bit in the evening, then again the next morning. As the text became more and more full, I mentioned I would love to hear his voice and he called immediately.
That’s the second time in the space of a week a man’s voice ripped right through me. I love this feeling!
And did I mention we are a 99% match on OKC…fun! I mean, seriously.
I love when the Butterflies strike! I am such a sucker for the butterflies!
Let me say this now, I know I am a sucker for the Butterflies. I fall every. single. time. But, this time, I caught myself and tried to slow down. That’s progress!
I could feel his smile through the phone which made me grin even more broadly. He was gregarious and light, not full of a million “are you the perfect woman” question but just sharing stories and experiences. I didn’t feel like I was being interviewed, I felt like I was making a new friend.
By mid-day, knowing I had to slow it down, I admitted to him I felt we were both very excited about meeting one another and that we should try to meet to see how the in person chemistry was….he readily agreed.
We set plans for one night away to meet for a drink after work, and if all went well, we would see the Opera together on Friday (my friend had to cancel and the ticket was available…)
Have I mentioned how happy I am that Spring is here?
I feel such a renewed sense of energy with the change in weather and perhaps, with my change in luck. To have met several men that are viable dating opportunities isn’t a bad place to be!
Now….here’s the key….I know how carried away I get, and easily. Way too easily. I LOVE feeling like this. I love how he is so attentive to me and can’t seemingly get enough of me.
I also know that every time this has happened before, every single time, it hasn’t worked out for me. That’s the piece I have to focus on or I’m going to be in for a world of hurt if I let things escalate at this pace. I keep reminding myself to slow down, way down, enjoy the feeling, the euphoria, but slow way the fuck down.
The thought has crossed my mind that men who do this, get carried away like this, maybe all they really want only sex anyway and they are just so clever that they approach it by being the perfect relationship guy. Once they get the sex, which tends to be quite easy with me, they disappear – which was their intention all along.
I would like to believe that there is really a man out there, like me, who can get carried away and still remain sincere and true, but like I said – it’s never happened. Not to me. Not to my friends. Sure, you hear stories about it, but I don’t know these people.
This time around, I’m going to enjoy the butterflies with a healthy dose of cynicism.
At least, I’m going to try my best.
I know butterflies, as welcome and wonderful as they are, have proven to equally be a recipe for disaster. The pace at which we are moving forward is too fast. You know what they say “the higher you fly, the harder you fall.”
Why do I know this to be true and just hate, really HATE to acknowledge it.