I sort of knew it wasn’t right with him for reasons I couldn’t put my fingers on, at least not exactly, the entire thing was foggy.
It didn’t help that I saw through my libido-goggles.
When we first spoke on the phone, he made it clear to me how he was looking for “the one right now” and how he wanted a full-time girlfriend. While I do think that’s what I want to be, I don’t think I can sign up to saying that out of the gate. I don’t see myself as yelling from the rooftops “Yes, world! I am ready to commit to someone!” Maybe my words and actions tell you that I am. Maybe that’s what you hear from me. But I truly don’t feel like that. As soon as someone says this immediately, I see red flags even if there are none.
Can’t we wait for a second date?
He was also extremely opinionated and commanding. In what appeared to me as a very specific or selfish way. When he told the story of a great first date that went wrong because she was on OKC the very next day, I smelled control. He tried to play it off like that wasn’t it, but that’s how it seemed to me. He was a military brat, it rang true to me.
He was an intense man.
During the call and the date, he wanted to talk about sex a whole hell of a lot because we had an almost 100% match on OKC. So, while I am the one who brought him home, his signals and his words were clearly at odds. I think this is the double standard at its best – it’s ok for men to talk about sex and want to have sex, but it’s not ok for a woman. Men lose respect for you. I keep trying to tell myself I don’t believe this but it has proved to be true time and time again.
With all that, I was attracted. I like intense. I chose to ignore the red flags that I saw along the way in favor of all the things I subscribed to as “right” based on my criteria. I had effectively put him into my boyfriend bucket because he met those criteria.
I was willing to overlook certain things because he ticked too many other boxes.
Goes to show you just how good I have gotten as justifying something when I want it.
Add in the sexual attraction and I had a powerful win.
When I found myself a little sullen on the Sunday after because I felt he put me in the “sex-only” camp, I started to question why…why should I feel like this when I made the decision?
What I need to ask myself is why did I take him home if I thought there was opportunity for boyfriend material?
When I really thought about it and allowed myself not to edit details I remembered some things that must not have added up at the time. Add alcohol and I was able to ignore these things entirely and focus on my libido.
He mentioned his concern that I lived in a different area, he was worried about logistics. He mentioned that I seemed to have quite a full life. He sensed from me that I was all about the sex (again, I go back to the fact that he started on the sex long before I did – I was the one who made the joke he couldn’t go 10 minutes without mentioning it). Independently, these things may/may not really matter. But this was a lot of information on a first date. Somewhere along the line I began to sense I wasn’t girlfriend material to him and I chose to ignore it.
Was it on the phone, before we met?
Was it at the bar, when I joked about him talking about sex?
Did I subconsciously allow myself to accept that I wasn’t girlfriend material but chances were high we could have good sex? So..I might as well go for it?
None of the above were conscious thoughts, but writing this many days later, I think they must have existed in my alcohol-laden, sex-starved brain in the late evening.
So, anyway, I take him home, we have amazing sex and for the first time in 5 months I don’t cry. That’s a massive step forward right there. I can’t disregard that fact.
He asks me out immediately and I get a few lines of text from him a day later. All seems well Friday into Saturday. Only on Saturday evening do I begin to think…”hmmm, should I have heard more from you today?”
Sunday rolls around and I get a “Good Morning Sexy” text.
My better sense kicks in. Just like that.
He starts talking about Thursday and what he wants to do with me sexually. He tells me how many times he has masturbated to me since we were together.
I didn’t want to go down this path without making myself clear, I knew what I was about to do was going to lose him….
Here’s how the beginning of the conversation went:
Me: I’m worried I am in the “sex-only” bucket now.
Him: Oh…what bucket do you want to be in? What bucket am I in?
Me: I wouldn’t mind getting to know you better.
Him: Me too, I like you…I do think there is a risk when the 1st meeting ends in a sex romp that it’s difficult to transition..
Me: Yes, I agree.
Him: What do you want to do?
Me: I prefer to transition.
Him: Just let whatever develops develop…But I will be honest…I think your great but I do worry about you living (there) and us both having kids, work, friends…could be difficult getting past being sex buddies
Me: I appreciate the honesty. I know that I can’t be a sex buddy. I will get hurt.
Him: How far can we go seeing each other only once a week?
Me: I am sure we could figure it out.
Him: Possibly, but I see it being sex centered. And I want to have lots of sex with you and try all these things….
The conversation went on a little bit, with no resolve, staying along the same path. I saw that he was back on OKC while we were texting one another. Perhaps he has already found his next woman to try out for his ideal girlfriend role.
For a moment I wanted to call him out about being on OKC – talk about hypocritical!
I admit, the rejection hurts a little. I was bummed on Sunday.
He had said some wonderfully amazing and kind things to me before, during and after our time together. He even said, again, in this text exchange that we had an amazing and intense connection outside of “just sex” so I am still unsure exactly how he arrives at the final conclusion that it’s over before it starts.
I knew I risked the opportunity to see him again if I slept with him. But I did it anyway.
Now I have to deal with the consequences of my impulsive side.
I based the decision to sleep with him on many of the things he said. Further, after we slept together he continued along the path of “how close I feel to you and I could really fall for you.” He said many times during the evening how special, unique and how close he felt to me. After sex he was very articulate about how he could easily fall for me. I’m not adding more weight to these statements than they deserve, but his words and actions were aligned.
His tune changed Sunday when I wanted to qualify being in the “sex-only” bucket.
Fortunately, I surprised myself by realizing the following:
- I am going to have great, mind-blowing sex again. And again. And again. Yeeessss!!!
- I am going to find men who fit my “formula” if I am patient.
- I need to listen to my gut and ask more questions up front, clarify things that don’t sound right to me.
- While I can write him off to deciding not to date me because I slept with him, the chances are that he has his own reasons unrelated to the sex. And if I wasn’t so fucking horny I would have seen that he wasn’t really an ideal dating candidate for me either.
- I shouldn’t go on dates that last all night because chances are too high guaranteed I will want to have sex.
I do know that by starting that text conversation Sunday I was most likely eliminating the chance of seeing him Thursday. While I was torn about that, I ultimately decided remaining true to myself was better than accepting the date predicated on having sex again. Oh hell yes, I want to have sex with him again, but the more I have sex with him the more I will like him and each time that happens is just one step closer to hurting myself even more.
I had to stop myself.
I slipped into a fantastic night of sex. I would have liked more than one fantastic night of sex, but I don’t think I am ready (with a guy I like) to attempt casual sexual encounters.
So, what will I do?
Well, after that conversation above, he said he didn’t know what to do about Thursday and I left it at that. I have no idea if I hear from him again or not. Part of me actually knows that I could have sex with him and not get too attached because this happened so quickly…I don’t like him as much as I thought I did in hindsight.
The other part of me doesn’t care one way or the other. The sex may not be as good the next time because I’m less excited about him. I’m complicated like that and I know it.
I blocked him on OKC because I didn’t like the fact that he could see me back on the app nor did I like knowing he was still looking. I considered blocking him from my phone, but curiosity got the better of me to see if he ghosts me for Thursday or not.
Actually, knowing myself too well, I will probably text him again. I have gotten to the point (too quickly? I don’t know) that I have written him off as a viable dating candidate in any case.
Maybe I can just have mind-blowing sex with him.
You know what though – I am going to blow him off on Thursday…and make other plans. It’s not that hard to do.
So rather than write a separate post, I will just finish the story here, though it is a week later than the beginning of this post.
He texted a bit Monday and it remained mostly sexual. I let it be and didn’t try to change the course of the conversation.
We spoke later in the evening for a little while. No mention of Thursday. This was fine by me as I had already started to make other plans. I surprised myself by not caring one way or the other what happened with this guy. It was a fantastic night of sex. I would like to have it again, but if I don’t there will be others.
The last I heard from him was last Tuesday. In classic male-emotive style this was the extent of our conversation: