Analysis Paralysis

I sort of knew it wasn’t right with him for reasons I couldn’t put my fingers on, at least not exactly, the entire thing was foggy.

It didn’t help that I saw through my libido-goggles.

When we first spoke on the phone, he made it clear to me how he was looking for “the one right now” and how he wanted a full-time girlfriend.  While I do think that’s what I want to be, I don’t think I can sign up to saying that out of the gate.  I don’t see myself as yelling from the rooftops “Yes, world! I am ready to commit to someone!”  Maybe my words and actions tell you that I am.  Maybe that’s what you hear from me.  But I truly don’t feel like that.  As soon as someone says this immediately, I see red flags even if there are none.

Can’t we wait for a second date?

He was also extremely opinionated and commanding.  In what appeared to me as a very specific or selfish way.  When he told the story of a great first date that went wrong because she was on OKC the very next day, I smelled control.  He tried to play it off like that wasn’t it, but that’s how it seemed to me.  He was a military brat, it rang true to me.

He was an intense man.

During the call and the date, he wanted to talk about sex a whole hell of a lot because we had an almost 100% match on OKC.  So, while I am the one who brought him home, his signals and his words were clearly at odds.  I think this is the double standard at its best – it’s ok for men to talk about sex and want to have sex, but it’s not ok for a woman.  Men lose respect for you.  I keep trying to tell myself I don’t believe this but it has proved to be true time and time again.

With all that, I was attracted.  I like intense.  I chose to ignore the red flags that I saw along the way in favor of all the things I subscribed to as “right” based on my criteria.  I had effectively put him into my boyfriend bucket because he met those criteria.

I was willing to overlook certain things because he ticked too many other boxes.

Goes to show you just how good I have gotten as justifying something when I want it.

Add in the sexual attraction and I had a powerful win.

When I found myself a little sullen on the Sunday after because I felt he put me in the “sex-only” camp, I started to question why…why should I feel like this when I made the decision?

What I need to ask myself is why did I take him home if I thought there was opportunity for boyfriend material?

When I really thought about it and allowed myself not to edit details I remembered some things that must not have added up at the time.  Add alcohol and I was able to ignore these things entirely and focus on my libido.

He mentioned his concern that I lived in a different area, he was worried about logistics.  He mentioned that I seemed to have quite a full life.  He sensed from me that I was all about the sex (again, I go back to the fact that he started on the sex long before I did – I was the one who made the joke he couldn’t go 10 minutes without mentioning it).  Independently, these things may/may not really matter.  But this was a lot of information on a first date.  Somewhere along the line I began to sense I wasn’t girlfriend material to him and I chose to ignore it.

Was it on the phone, before we met?

Was it at the bar, when I joked about him talking about sex?

Did I subconsciously allow myself to accept that I wasn’t girlfriend material but chances were high we could have good sex?  So..I might as well go for it?

None of the above were conscious thoughts, but writing this many days later, I think they must have existed in my alcohol-laden, sex-starved brain in the late evening.

So, anyway, I take him home, we have amazing sex and for the first time in 5 months I don’t cry.  That’s a massive step forward right there. I can’t disregard that fact.

He asks me out immediately and I get a few lines of text from him a day later.   All seems well Friday into Saturday.  Only on Saturday evening do I begin to think…”hmmm, should I have heard more from you today?”

Sunday rolls around and I get a “Good Morning Sexy” text.

My better sense kicks in.  Just like that.

He starts talking about Thursday and what he wants to do with me sexually.  He tells me how many times he has masturbated to me since we were together.

I didn’t want to go down this path without making myself clear, I knew what I was about to do was going to lose him….

Here’s how the beginning of the conversation went:

 

 

Me: I’m worried I am in the “sex-only” bucket now.

Him: Oh…what bucket do you want to be in?  What bucket am I in?

Me: I wouldn’t mind getting to know you better.

Him: Me too, I like you…I do think there is a risk when the 1st meeting ends in a sex romp that it’s difficult to transition..

Me: Yes, I agree.

Him: What do you want to do?

Me: I prefer to transition.

Him: Just let whatever develops develop…But I will be honest…I think your great but I do worry about you living (there) and us both having kids, work, friends…could be difficult getting past being sex buddies

Me: I appreciate the honesty.  I know that I can’t be a sex buddy.  I will get hurt.

Him: How far can we go seeing each other only once a week?

Me: I am sure we could figure it out.

Him: Possibly, but I see it being sex centered.  And I want to have lots of sex with you and try all these things….

 

 

The conversation went on a little bit, with no resolve, staying along the same path.  I saw that he was back on OKC while we were texting one another.  Perhaps he has already found his next woman to try out for his ideal girlfriend role.

For a moment I wanted to call him out about being on OKC – talk about hypocritical!

I admit, the rejection hurts a little.  I was bummed on Sunday.

He had said some wonderfully amazing and kind things to me before, during and after our time together.  He even said, again, in this text exchange that we had an amazing and intense connection outside of “just sex” so I am still unsure exactly how he arrives at the final conclusion that it’s over before it starts.

I knew I risked the opportunity to see him again if I slept with him.  But I did it anyway.

Now I have to deal with the consequences of my impulsive side.

I based the decision to sleep with him on many of the things he said.  Further, after we slept together he continued along the path of “how close I feel to you and I could really fall for you.”  He said many times during the evening how special, unique and how close he felt to me.  After sex he was very articulate about how he could easily fall for me.  I’m not adding more weight to these statements than they deserve, but his words and actions were aligned.

Until Sunday.

His tune changed Sunday when I wanted to qualify being in the “sex-only” bucket.

Fortunately, I surprised myself by realizing the following:

  • I am going to have great, mind-blowing sex again.  And again.  And again. Yeeessss!!!
  • I am going to find men who fit my “formula” if I am patient.
  • I need to listen to my gut and ask more questions up front, clarify things that don’t sound right to me.
  • While I can write him off to deciding not to date me because I slept with him, the chances are that he has his own reasons unrelated to the sex.  And if I wasn’t so fucking horny I would have seen that he wasn’t really an ideal dating candidate for me either.
  • I shouldn’t go on dates that last all night because chances are too high guaranteed I will want to have sex.

 

I do know that by starting that text conversation Sunday I was most likely eliminating the chance of seeing him Thursday.  While I was torn about that, I ultimately decided  remaining true to myself was better than accepting the date predicated on having sex again.  Oh hell yes, I want to have sex with him again, but the more I have sex with him the more I will like him and each time that happens is just one step closer to hurting myself even more.

I had to stop myself.

I slipped into a fantastic night of sex.  I would have liked more than one fantastic night of sex, but I don’t think I am ready (with a guy I like) to attempt casual sexual encounters.

So, what will I do?

Well, after that conversation above, he said he didn’t know what to do about Thursday and I left it at that.  I have no idea if I hear from him again or not.   Part of me actually knows that I could have sex with him and not get too attached because this happened so quickly…I don’t like him as much as I thought I did in hindsight.

The other part of me doesn’t care one way or the other.  The sex may not be as good the next time because I’m less excited about him.  I’m complicated like that and I know it.

I blocked him on OKC because I didn’t like the fact that he could see me back on the app nor did I like knowing he was still looking.  I considered blocking him from my phone, but curiosity got the better of me to see if he ghosts me for Thursday or not.

Actually, knowing myself too well, I will probably text him again.  I have gotten to the point (too quickly?  I don’t know) that I have written him off as a viable dating candidate in any case.

Maybe I can just have mind-blowing sex with him.

Just maybe.

You know what though – I am going to blow him off on Thursday…and make other plans.  It’s not that hard to do.

………………

So rather than write a separate post, I will just finish the story here, though it is a week later than the beginning of this post.

He texted a bit Monday and it remained mostly sexual. I let it be and didn’t try to change the course of the conversation.

We spoke later in the evening for a little while. No mention of Thursday. This was fine by me as I had already started to make other plans. I surprised myself by not caring one way or the other what happened with this guy. It was a fantastic night of sex. I would like to have it again, but if I don’t there will be others.

The last I heard from him was last Tuesday.  In classic male-emotive style this was the extent of our conversation:


And, that my lovelies, is that.

 

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

36 thoughts on “Analysis Paralysis”

  1. I can’t even begin to wrap my arms around this…the sexuality…the…the..the everything.
    I AM TOO STUPID TO LIVE! Either that or I never knew how to live. I just remember hoping Loser would hurry up (which normally wasn’t a problem…5 seconds tops) so he could get off of me.

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    1. Laurel I don’t normally reply to comments on someone else’s blog when I don’t know the commenter… But why would you see yourself as “too stupid to live” in this case? Many of us have had bad marriages or bad sex in our marriages (or none, as in my case) but each day you can choose to do something different. Maybe see our post-split stories as paths you can choose if you want instead of thinking you’re stupid because you did something different in the past? We all did, and we move forward.
      And if I’m off base, my sincere apologies.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Let me say that comments are aways welcome and I applaud honesty. One of my greatest faults (apparently) is that I am brutally honest…with one exception.
        I have never posted anything in depth about my and Losers’ sex life.
        I guess I am too stupid to live because I didn’t realize that a man was supposed to be interested in how his wife felt..whether or not she enjoyed it or what made her feel good….or as my beloved blogger friend Sam says….had a climax. I had to email her and ask her what that was.
        All I knew was that he enjoyed it and I was left slimy and feeling like “is that all there is?” Two seconds later, he would be snoring and I would be covered with his sweat and feeling dirty.
        Now, I cannot imagine EVER having another mans’ hands on me. I don’t think I could stand it.
        I would ask that you delete this after you read it.
        It’s incredibly embarrassing for me to talk about what did and didn’t happen in our bedroom. If I were to post about it, people would be saying “she is too stupid to live.”

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      2. I can’t delete your comment but Madeline can.
        I doubt people would say that at all – especially because it’s not true. We have a pretty good community here. I wrote a lot about my sexless marriage and its impact on me and nobody told me I was stupid. Because I wasn’t. And neither are you.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I agree. This community of bloggers that I have discovered are remarkable and the most supportive and understand people I have ever encountered..but they still think (and hope) that some day, I can have a loving relationship. I just don’t think they can understand that I have been decimated. There is still a part of me that feels like I would be “cheating” on Loser. How fucked up is that?

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      4. We probably understand more than you think. And I imagine the reason you are told that is because we are on the other side of the decimation and we know it’s possible to move beyond it. Just takes a while sometimes.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I know that I would be telling somebody that something good is bound to happen but I don’t think anybody understands the depths of the damage that has been done to me. There are some nice men out there and I know a very few…but they should never even think about putting their hands on me.

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    2. Laurel, I’m so sorry to hear what you are feeling. I don’t know your story, but I DO know from experience that abusive men (whether it is physical or psychological) are very good at making their victims feel to blame for everything. You are NOT too stupid to live. That is self-defeating talk, and likely a response to someone who claimed to love you making you feel that way. Like Ann, I don’t want to be presumptuous or make statements that are out of turn. I sincerely hope I haven’t offended you. It just saddens me to hear anyone feeling this way, because I don’t have to know you to know that it’s just not true. Sending healing thoughts and hugs to you.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Laurel – I am with these very smart women above – of course you are not too stupid to live….you just, perhaps, haven’t had the growth opportunity you need to spread you wings – which includes feeling safe! Being safe and comfortable with any part of yourself (including sexuality) is a hard thing to learn and I am learning it every day…I come out of an emotionally abusive relationship and it’s taken me 2 years to get to what you hear from me today.

        Do you have a professional that can help guide you thrtough this?

        We are all here to help and hold hands along the way, but please don’t be self-defeating….just think of it as needing more time and care to get to a better you.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. You haven’t offended me in the least. It’s just all I knew for forty-one years. Before, his tactic was to do something…(like not come home and when he did, he reeked of beer.) I would get mad and he would get mad at me for being mad at him.
        Now, since the divorce, everything is my fault because I am “clinically insane.”
        It’s hard to overcome something and someone like that. It wasn’t just him..it was his mama and….it’s just a plethora of things.
        But, thank you for your comment, your healing thoughts and hugs.
        Hugs back to you. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I actually don’t think you are paralyzed!! You are learning a lot and in this case (not a surprise) some analysis is a good thing. As we’ve talked about there are red flags – massive ones with some of these recent guys – which you choose to ignore or justify away. So eventually you won’t, or at least you will know what you’re getting into. I read a blog post recently that talked about focussing not on the must haves but instead on the red flags – or your deal breakers – because it’s too easy to ignore them when you think the stuff you *do* want is there.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I do wonder about how the justification is moving much faster now – like the cycle just moves through to conclusion much more quickly and surprisingly to me.

      I felt paralyzed a little on Sunday, then suddenly just not.

      For sure I realized, with this guy, there was a high occurrence of my must have list – and it sold him to me before I really listened to the red flags. I think that’s really sound advice.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hmmm.. Well IDK, if you can enjoy it for what it is then fine. But it sounds to me that you’re just not sure exactly what it is right now. You seem to be protecting a part of you and that is understandable and yes wise too.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Ok, I am still glad you had great sex! Perhaps that solved some of the “acute” feelings… hee hee 😉 Um, as far as the guy….. I don’t really like him, from the way you describe him. There seemed to be some red flags there about him, honestly. (The things you mentioned yourself, control issues, and a few other things too). So I do believe truly, that you are better off without continuing to see him. It felt like he was looking for a perfect cardboard cutout woman, and not an actual human… i dunno. I get the feelnig that you might need someone more relaxed, lol. Anyway, great post, now I feek that I have had a date aswell, haha. Living vicariously through blogs…lol! xo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks! Yea, in hindsight it was better off as one and done. And I don’t think 2-3 days thinking about it was so bad – it used to take me weeks to evaluate these things and wonder what I did wrong. This guy had a multitude of his own issues.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. M – several times in this post I sensed contradiction. You said one thing, and then you said something quite different. It does sound like you’re not ready for “all that” yet, but ready to at least try to find someone who’s on the same path. I can’t imagine how difficult this is. Yes this dude had some red flags, but the positive side of this was some release! You did say a few posts ago you “needed” it (I can totally relate) – and – if you take the emotional side out of it, you got it! However, I do get the difficulty in separating out the physical from the emotional. I’m not sure I’ve ever been able to do that. Or ever could.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, straddling the both sides of the fence is my absolute expertise – I can’t make a decision one way or the other and I can justify my into or out of anything.

      The guy was hot, but not good for me. I’m not sure how hot the sex would be the next time if I couldn’t wrap my head around being used (mutually of course, but still).

      Yea, I don’t know if I can do it. I’m between a rock and a hard spot for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I saw red flags with this guy right from the beginning of your conversing with him. I would never have cancelled my therapist appointment or anything else to go out with him so quickly. If he’s worthy of you, he will still be there next week or two weeks later. It may seem like a game to you, but I’m a firm believer at women not “being so available.” Many women I work with have seen remarkable results of taking my suggestions.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. All I have to say is…Ugh, Men….. Haha, just kidding, kind of. He sounds kind of conflicted and contradictory like he was looking for sex but saying the other things to get women to buy into “the one.” As me and my friends like to say when this sort of thing happens, chalk it up to a night of good sex and move on.

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  8. What strikes me about this post is that the wording and thought process (as you contemplate having a “sex only” relationship with this guy) seems very similar to posts I read at the beginning of past relationships that were only supposed to be about sex. And in those cases, you were horribly hurt because it ended up NOT just being about sex, as you developed feelings for those men despite your initial intentions. I’m also alarmed that you would consider having a relationship (sexual or otherwise) with a guy who obviously has so many red flags and double standards. Good sex doesn’t justify crappy behavior or disrespect (because, after all, isn’t it disrespectful that you are good enough to fuck, but not worth the effort of a relationship? Or that you are somehow “less than” because you opted to have sex right away instead of being virtuous enough in his eyes to be considered girlfriend material?) Finally — it seems to me that your common sense may be compromised when you drink too much – you’ve said as much in past posts. Not too long ago you ended up in a hotel room with a guy you didn’t want to have sex with and this time you brought a guy home that already had red flags waving. It may be wise to limit the drinks, especially on nighttime dates. I share your happiness and (I imagine) sense of relief that you can still have great sex after what you’ve recently gone through — but don’t let it cloud your judgement and DON’T compromise!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, you are right about my wording – and it is, in fact, intentional in the sense that I am tossing back and forth what I want to do about him. I am pretty sure I could keep him around if I like, and not sure that if it’s a good thing for me to do. This time around, the major difference I see is my self-awareness of knowing there is no chance of an emotional connection and if it does become sexual, it needs to be short lived. The last one was 8 months and right around the 3-4 month mark I sunk into the emotional territory…that can’t happen again, I won’t let it.

      Having sex with him is no compromise, believe me.

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    1. Hey Dan, thanks so much for your compliment and comment.

      I LOVE that post!! I totally get hung up on the “fuck yes or no!!” The thing is for me – I have to decide if the “fuck” itself is worth the “fuck yes” because I don’t always feel so great when (afterwards) they are not into me. Sometimes sex is great and the rest isn’t.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks hon, and I completely understand what you mean. It’s that mutual ‘Fuck Yes’ that is so rare and elusive. Great sex should be part of great everything! 🙂

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  9. I don’t think he knows what he wants…even though he so adamantly told you he did.
    Here’s the thing I don’t understand about men (well one thing anyway)
    If you go home with him on the first night, it takes YOU out of the potential girlfriend category. But that would mean he went home with you? So his standards for a girlfriend are higher than his standards for himself. that’s just freakin weird. What does that mean for any kind of future with this person? Would he consistently hold you to a higher standard. Seems like it might be best to avoid a man like that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Same thing with his opinion of the woman being back online after one date…and then he did the exact same thing. He is showing double standards all over the place. He would be a tricky one to deal with. 😉

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    2. Yes, you are right. He doesn’t know what he wants. Since this post we have talked about it. I’m not interested in being his girlfriend and he is too intense for me in any case…it’s good all this came out so early on. Would I sleep with him again, absolutely, but that’s where it ends.

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  10. Aw yes. The fantastic sex happened and your instincts are right on as usual. I still see your strength in carrying forward towards another relationship knowing full well what, how and when you want things. I enjoyed the conversation with Laurel in the comments section. I am so glad she can see and feel the support here especially from the women who have gained much in their own self confidence.

    Liked by 1 person

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