Emotional Overwhelm

I have to admit, I had a day that I almost slipped and made a phone call to him.

I didn’t because there is no sense in this what-so-ever.

This is not a post about him, I have nothing to add about him.  This is all about me.

The day before it happened I began to feel tired and sort of sad.  I also started my monthly.  I am journaling these feelings and emotions because I feel like they might be tied to hormones, or maybe not.  I don’t think I have paid enough attention in the past to when and why I feel emotionally burdened like this.  I don’t like feeling like this and I really want these feelings to go away now.  I truly want to stop thinking of what I have lost and what is past.

The day started off poorly, I hadn’t slept the entire evening and had been tossing and turning.  He was on my mind, but there were no clear or articulate thoughts or images.  More like a presence.  Most like an empty, hollow space that I was falling through.

I felt overwhelmed by this big, dark, empty space.  Like I was being swallowed up by it.

Sad. Hollow. Empty. Dark. Lonely.

I couldn’t’ wake early enough to work out and I fell asleep on my commute to work , which only happens when I am exhausted.

I couldn’t shake the feelings of dread all day.  These gut feelings usually happen to me when something bad is about to happen, but nothing bad happened to me that day or the subsequent day.  I had no expectation of hearing from him or contacting him in any way, but the drive, the desire to pick up the phone to hear his voice was awful. It really took everything I had not to pick up that phone.

I remind myself there is nothing there for me and try to move forward.

I ensure I tell my friends, several of them fellow bloggers who have been holding my hand all the way through this heartache.   Everyone is supportive and listens.  Everyone keeps me on track.  I have to hold myself accountable.

But that little voice that says “Fuck it – call him anyway!!” persists.

Go away voice.  You are wrong.  This will solve nothing.

I have the sense of my heart breaking and a feeling of pain in my chest.  These symptoms haven’t hit me in a long while so I am surprised by them.  The tears are flowing easily and I am having a hard time keeping it together at work.  I am miserable. I feel defeated and depressed.

A bitter cold and rainy day doesn’t improve matters.

Making it home, once again falling asleep, I don’t exercise as I should.  I shower and climb into bed.  Talk to my kids a little bit and try to sleep.  But, sleep eludes me once again and I let tossing and turning.

I know I am not waking up to exercise once again.  I also know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but it’s only day 4 of my “new” commitment to myself and I am already failing miserably.  I know if I get on that treadmill I will actually feel better.

I continue to lie there and cry.

I get in a good long cry and eventually fall asleep.

Then, when I wake up late for work and get moving the next day, the sun is shining, my cramps are gone and I feel better.  The feeling hasn’t dissipated entirely, but it’s not drowning me today.

Out of curiosity, I decide to measure the length of time:

Since I last saw him: 5 months

Since I last heard from him: 2 months

I suppose I have come further than I thought.

Nothing came of this.  My gut was off on this day….I had that sense of dread and it passed.  Some of the depression lingered the next (few) day(s), but more as a passing thought I could get by.  I managed through it somehow, knowing it can only get better.

A week later the feeling hit again. Not as bad the first time and definitely not as overwhelming. But consistent and insistent. Like a fly buzzing around my head that I keep trying to swat away.  It just keeps bothering me.

I wrote him and email I didn’t send.  I sent it to myself and some friends.  All of whom ensured I didn’t send it to him.  I deleted it the next day.

I admit, I will be happy when this is over, really, just over.

When my therapist said “It’s going to take as long as it takes” I sort of wanted to curl up and die right about then.  I don’t want it to take any more time and emotional energy from me anymore.  I am actively doing all I can to be positive and remain in a positive space, but days like this one certainly suck the life-force from me and remind me just how fragile and broken I am after that relationship.

I hate how this still weighs me down and knocks the wind from my sails. Believe me, every day I try so very hard to remain positive and hopeful and move forward.  It’s an awful, terrible, horrible, and gut-wrenching feeling wanting something you can not have, and someone who does not want you. It fucking sucks.

I’m taking bids on a lobotomy. Any one offering a deal?

 

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

18 thoughts on “Emotional Overwhelm”

    1. I have done many, many ridiculous destructive things as it relates to him…but this time I just can’t anymore. Hopefully this is the end of a long mourning period…

      And, I am secretly thrilled you think I’m strong..lol…it’s because I have a great support network, truly.

      Liked by 3 people

  1. I’m sorry you had a miserable day — it happens to all of us. I think you are smart to think about your hormones and how they might be affecting you. I recently had an evening where sleep was evading me — it could have been the 4:00 iced coffee — and the next day I just drug myself around and didn’t work out. No rhyme or reason. Just get back onto your new schedule and hopefully the exercise endorphins chase away the blues.

    Do.Not.Contact.Him.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I think so…and in another 2 weeks I will see if the same happens around hormonal time again…it’s good to pay attention to your cycles (which I admittedly probably don’t do enough of).

      I feel better….ever since vacation I feel like I have turned the corner.

      I think it was you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. i know it seems as if it’s never going to go away but one day you’ll wake up and go a whole day without even thinking of him and then before you know it you’ll go a week and eventually he will just be a fond memory – I think of my heartbreaks as a beach that the waves of life eventually erode and it renews to love again

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I will be honest, I am actively waiting for those days. I don’t get through a whole day yet, but do notice I can get through a ton of hours….and the longing, the sheer longing is almost recessed entirely. At least now I feel like the end is in sight and I can work towards it instead of being dragged backwards all the time.

      I love your analogy of the wave s- thanks for sharing that!

      Like

  3. This too shall pass. Time heals. It doesn’t make you forget, only makes you think of better days. As for the lobotomy, I have only a pitcher of margaritas to offer. Or, if you’d prefer, a nice bottle of single malt. Or wine. Or, iced tea… or… water. I have water.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve been here too, and really glad it hasn’t been recently…. It is a total struggle and rebuilding of yourself, your self worth and esteem. It’s a war to be slowly won for yourself. It’s just a day by day struggle. Hang in there, and lobotomies are awful. Use a glass of wine to temporize your forebrain for a few hours, not a large ice pick through the eye socket 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m actually relatively adept at using large ice picks as many of my friends can attest. I just ran out and haven’t made it back to Home Depot for refills! 😂

      I like the statement “a war to be won for yourself”. Great way to frame it. Thanks for sharing!

      Liked by 1 person

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