I have to admit, I had a day that I almost slipped and made a phone call to him.
I didn’t because there is no sense in this what-so-ever.
This is not a post about him, I have nothing to add about him. This is all about me.
The day before it happened I began to feel tired and sort of sad. I also started my monthly. I am journaling these feelings and emotions because I feel like they might be tied to hormones, or maybe not. I don’t think I have paid enough attention in the past to when and why I feel emotionally burdened like this. I don’t like feeling like this and I really want these feelings to go away now. I truly want to stop thinking of what I have lost and what is past.
The day started off poorly, I hadn’t slept the entire evening and had been tossing and turning. He was on my mind, but there were no clear or articulate thoughts or images. More like a presence. Most like an empty, hollow space that I was falling through.
I felt overwhelmed by this big, dark, empty space. Like I was being swallowed up by it.
Sad. Hollow. Empty. Dark. Lonely.
I couldn’t’ wake early enough to work out and I fell asleep on my commute to work , which only happens when I am exhausted.
I couldn’t shake the feelings of dread all day. These gut feelings usually happen to me when something bad is about to happen, but nothing bad happened to me that day or the subsequent day. I had no expectation of hearing from him or contacting him in any way, but the drive, the desire to pick up the phone to hear his voice was awful. It really took everything I had not to pick up that phone.
I remind myself there is nothing there for me and try to move forward.
I ensure I tell my friends, several of them fellow bloggers who have been holding my hand all the way through this heartache. Everyone is supportive and listens. Everyone keeps me on track. I have to hold myself accountable.
But that little voice that says “Fuck it – call him anyway!!” persists.
Go away voice. You are wrong. This will solve nothing.
I have the sense of my heart breaking and a feeling of pain in my chest. These symptoms haven’t hit me in a long while so I am surprised by them. The tears are flowing easily and I am having a hard time keeping it together at work. I am miserable. I feel defeated and depressed.
A bitter cold and rainy day doesn’t improve matters.
Making it home, once again falling asleep, I don’t exercise as I should. I shower and climb into bed. Talk to my kids a little bit and try to sleep. But, sleep eludes me once again and I let tossing and turning.
I know I am not waking up to exercise once again. I also know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but it’s only day 4 of my “new” commitment to myself and I am already failing miserably. I know if I get on that treadmill I will actually feel better.
I continue to lie there and cry.
I get in a good long cry and eventually fall asleep.
Then, when I wake up late for work and get moving the next day, the sun is shining, my cramps are gone and I feel better. The feeling hasn’t dissipated entirely, but it’s not drowning me today.
Out of curiosity, I decide to measure the length of time:
Since I last saw him: 5 months
Since I last heard from him: 2 months
I suppose I have come further than I thought.
Nothing came of this. My gut was off on this day….I had that sense of dread and it passed. Some of the depression lingered the next (few) day(s), but more as a passing thought I could get by. I managed through it somehow, knowing it can only get better.
A week later the feeling hit again. Not as bad the first time and definitely not as overwhelming. But consistent and insistent. Like a fly buzzing around my head that I keep trying to swat away. It just keeps bothering me.
I wrote him and email I didn’t send. I sent it to myself and some friends. All of whom ensured I didn’t send it to him. I deleted it the next day.
I admit, I will be happy when this is over, really, just over.
When my therapist said “It’s going to take as long as it takes” I sort of wanted to curl up and die right about then. I don’t want it to take any more time and emotional energy from me anymore. I am actively doing all I can to be positive and remain in a positive space, but days like this one certainly suck the life-force from me and remind me just how fragile and broken I am after that relationship.
I hate how this still weighs me down and knocks the wind from my sails. Believe me, every day I try so very hard to remain positive and hopeful and move forward. It’s an awful, terrible, horrible, and gut-wrenching feeling wanting something you can not have, and someone who does not want you. It fucking sucks.
I’m taking bids on a lobotomy. Any one offering a deal?