The Dopamine Hit

The magnet pulls you in and the attraction fuels your blood to somehow flow faster.


It’s undeniable and, while not impossible to find, it is quite elusive in its own way.

I knew we had it the moment we spoke on the phone.  His low growl ripped through me and I felt it in my groin.  My heart raced.  I breathed in deeply, slowed myself down as much as possible and reminded myself that no good comes from racing to the finish line.

But then I gave in and committed to a date for the same evening we first spoke on the phone …. not sure that was the best idea considering I had to cancel a therapy appointment to do so, but I threw caution to the wind.

I haven’t felt like this in months.  I started to get excited.

We met at a city bar and fell into an easy banter.  I wasn’t impressed with his looks initially, so that helped me to slow my roll a bit.  He was obviously nervous which doesn’t always sit well for me as it could indicate softness which I don’t like.   The place was crowded with good-looking people and loud, filled with all-ages after work Happy Hour.  You can’t get much cooler than a basement speakeasy.

We had to lean in close to hear one another, forcing our knees to link between the others.  I could hear him inhale me each time he leaned his head in to listen to me.  He had a lot of sexual innuendo and I teased him about it.  He has such a broad and dynamic background that there was plenty to speak about other than sex, but he couldn’t seem to divert his mind long enough not to make some type of reference to sex.  We played a silly game that he couldn’t make it through 10 minutes without the sexual reference and he lost time after time for one reason or the other.  I love this kind of banter, it always invigorates me and keeps me on my feet.  I light up when I get to flirt like this.

I also know I am walking a fine line.  While he said he didn’t want it to be about sex, that he really and truly wanted a relationship, he was fascinated with the high % match we had in the sex and dating categories on OKC so the conversation kept turning.

If he was so interested in a relationship and the high % match we had, why did he keep going down the same path.  I honestly did not lead with sex (as I have done many times) and tried to get us to make light of it.

We were eventually able to move from our bar stool perch to a comfortable couch along one side of the room.  It was perfect to sit close and people watch.  We ordered more drinks and a little cheese plate.    We kept talking.  The conversation meandered for hours, I don’t even know how long.  We had arrived at the bar around 6ish and didn’t leave until after 1am.  There wasn’t a moment of uncomfortable silence.

I did stop for a minute and thought “end this date now M, or you are heading for a night of trouble.”  I didn’t.  We kept talking.

He is in a place where he wants a serious relationship. As in, tomorrow.  This makes me a bit nervous.  He has some pretty clear ideas about what he wants from a woman in a dating relationship, and while I probably cover most of them at first glance, it was still only a first date and I just got the feeling he might push me too fast forward.  As much as I love all the trappings of a relationship I maintain that I don’t think I am ready to commit to anyone fully just yet.  He is looking for “the one” he goes into the sunset with.

I feel like that’s a tall order for any first date.

He seems to have a certain “ideal” he is looking for.  Sometimes I felt like I was being interviewed for the role of perfect girlfriend.

I learned that his father had died a mere 8 days before.  While I was able to share in his pain, it was still a relatively uncomfortable conversation for a first date.  We spoke a little bit about it, he had a few tears and then we moved forward.    It’s not that I am not entirely sympathetic to his situation, but we were in a loud, crowded bar on a first date and we were certainly almost drunk at this point…it wasn’t the right time and place for me to be consoling him. I felt so badly for him.  The pain of losing a parent is just so raw in the beginning.  In hindsight, I am surprised he was out dating.

At some point, the kissing began.  And. Oh. Fuck. Could. He. Kiss.  I mean, really, really kiss those full mouthed, thick tongue, deep kisses I so adore.  His hands lacing through my hair and pulling my head in close, the authority in which he navigated the kiss was intense.  I could feel the strength ripple through his chest and arms as my hands slid down his muscled back.  My head started to swim.  I love PDA and it had been way too long since I had gotten to play like this.  The tension and electricity between us rose distinctly, especially since he finally calmed down enough to ask me all the questions he had been clearly dying for answers to earlier in the day.

He said I confused him.  He didn’t expect me to be so sexually powerful but a lady at the same time.  He didn’t expect the intelligence and beauty.  He was extraordinarily complimentary to me at this point.  I just wanted to kiss more.  I was definitely swooning a little bit.  He had grown on me.  Not fully, but enough to get my juices flowing.

He said quite a few things about me that reminded me of my previous relationship.  I know I have a certain brand of empathy with men, and I know how to get type-A men to slow down and think about things differently and I have been complimented on this many, many times.  He picked up on this very quickly about me.  I found that interesting.  He was paying close attention.  Too close perhaps.

But something wasn’t  aligning for me, even looking back I can’t put my finger on it.  While sometimes we may say people’s words and actions don’t match, his words actually didn’t align.  He would say one thing and then say something contradictory a bit later.  I felt like he was interested in me, but the stronger sense was that he was interested in sex with me.

Now that the conversation had turned sexual we discussed sleeping together on the first date.  He told me he couldn’t do it because he couldn’t just do casual sex and wouldn’t respect me the next day…that’s just how it worked for him.  I disagreed with him on this and we had a little back and forth.  It wasn’t so much that I disagreed with his point of view, but the way he presented it.  He was so set in his opinion that he wasn’t open to mine.  Then he just insisted I was saying that because I was drunk.  And he pushed the envelope a bit with this….I didn’t like it and I told him so.  And, then he didn’t like that I told him so.

He also told me a little story about the last girl he dated and how she was back on OKC the next day and it upset him enough that he wouldn’t see her again because he was ready to be serious.  When he called her out on it, she replied that it was only their first date and he should “slow down”  That didn’t sit well with him.  When I asked him why he was on OKC…that he could only be on the app for the same reason she was or he was checking up on her…he didn’t like that and tried to back-pedal his way out of replying.  Ah, touche.

Something clicked here and it was time to go so I stood, said goodbye, and ordered my Uber.

I was a little mad – the chemistry and connection were fantastic and he was drunk.  But I made my points and chose my path so I continued to exit the bar.

He came right out behind me and pushed me against the wall and told me to cancel my Uber because he was taking me home. Then he kissed me, hard.  Really hard.

That’s it. Over and out.

I was done.

Libido stomped on any common sense and threw it right out the door and locked it tight so it couldn’t possibly get back in.

He was coming home with me.








Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

24 thoughts on “The Dopamine Hit”

      1. I am so glad, M! Your post brought up other red flags for me, but I will await the rest of the story to see how or if they are resolved. My basic hope is always that you play safely, including transport to and fro. 🙂

        Liked by 3 people

  1. Wow. This is so far out of my realm of experience. LOL There must be something seriously wrong with me. I just couldn’t imagine….kissing and stuff on the first date. I guess Loser was right….I have “puritan ways.”
    Damnit! What movie was it where some girl says “teach me to be bad?” LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    1. haha – I think I must be bad to the bone because I love it and there isn’t a puritan bone in my body (for better or worse!)

      I am certain there are many who would judge my “immorality!” I don’t care.

      I tend to serve my impulsive side and I have to learn to put that part of me on a diet sometimes!


      1. No judgment here…just envy maybe. I was thinking about it on the way to meet my high school friend. I don’t think I’m sexual at all. Maybe it was from wasting forty years of my life with a man who was um….unremarkable? That’s so mean 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha mean is ok here it’s a safe place! My X started out just fine for me – he didn’t have the drive/desire I did but he did well with what he had and I was 24 when I married him.

        In hindsight and experience, I should never have married someone so mismatched sexually. It was a recipe for disaster.


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