Hey, it’s not nearly as bad as I thought.
I made it through a month without dating anyone.
(Ok, that’s enough of that nonsense, time to get back out there, you need sex!)
I’m slowly (can it get any slower, really?) healing my broken heart. I don’t feel any need to rush into dating. Admittedly, I’m actually a bit more wary for the first time in my entire life.
I had something so good for once I am afraid I won’t have it again. Part of me doesn’t want to try. Knowing that’s unhealthy, I don’t intend to stay single forever….I have just realized that’s it’s really, really, really ok to be on my own.
It’s ok to be heartbroken, too.
I find the fact that I am guarded for the first time in my life a little scary. I’m the type of girl who jumps in head first, no holds barred and I’m suddenly afraid? Freaks me out a bit.
It also makes me a little sad…have I lost a part of myself? Will it come back to me?
Of course I want a significant other. I love men, relationship and I love love. I want the whole idea of a true partnership that works. Two people working towards happiness together. I believe in true romance and love. I haven’t turned cynical. Maybe just a bit gun-shy.
Having a better focus for the month of April is helping. I don’t feel pressure to have a date or get out there. I no longer feel like I’m missing something. Well, except sex. I do feel like I’m missing sex and that is really the hardest part at the moment. Trying not to make more bad choices because I want to have sex isn’t easy for me. Luckily I’m somewhat cyclical and have about two weeks a month in my cycle that are tough. I can a make it through two weeks with my renewed commitment to exercise. It’s not easy but I am doing it.
I don’t believe that taking a break from dating means I improve how I focus on the things around me. The truth is that if I can’t date AND focus on the things around me I probably have a recipe for disaster waiting to happen. It’s sort of like saying I plan to abandon myself and my goals when I am dating someone. My motive here was not to shut off dating, but to slow it down and make better choices. I think I have accomplished that and gained some clarity on my needs.
I have set up some dates now, once a week, so that I can start slowly getting back into the swing of things with men would be quality choices.
I struggle daily to keep my mind from dwelling on the past and try to keep it in perspective. My time, my man, my love will come along. I don’t feel especially stressed about it. Not stressed, but still sad….I am still not firmly implanted in acceptance.
I’ve spent more time with my kids recently since my heart has let my brain come back to the land of the living. Some days being a parent is tough and other days rewarding. I still don’t find parenting through these teens years to be especially easy – I would trade for the under 12 set any day! When the kids are little it’s just tiring. Physically tiring. But parenting older kids, teens, and one on the spectrum can be downright emotionally and mentally debilitating. I can’t just sleep it off anymore like when they were little guys. Now I truly feel like the life is being sucked from me.
I hope to get to the point where I am willing to run myself ragged with physical exercise before making bad dating decisions and I’m obviously not there yet! I have a sincere weight goal in my mind that I want to achieve. I want to finally become that person who is so hyper focused on a goal that they do anything to get themselves there. For me, that seems to be all about eliminating poor relationship behaviors.
I still want sex. This isn’t going to be an easy fight to win.
Damn it, I really, really, really want sex. Fantastic bed-thumping up-all-night sex.
(yes, that’s just it darlings, I want to be fucked)