Too Bad It Wasn’t A Heart Attack

Believe me the thought crosses my mind. My x having a heart attack. Dropping dead at any given moment he’s antagonizing me.

Ah, we all dream these terrible things once in a while.

But I don’t mean it.

No, really, I don’t!

Besides not actually wishing death upon any living thing, he is the sun and sky to my middle son. Of course his other children love him too….but he means the world to my middle guy. And that’s enough for me to want to wish him a long, healthy life. (Just not one married to me!)

As it turns out, he had heart surgery a few weeks ago. He didn’t tell me what’s been going on with him because he hates letting me in on anything, which is fine. I handle things differently. But, when he said he couldn’t take the kids one night and I asked why he admitted he was going into the hospital for heart surgery to have stents put in place.

The doctor ended up putting 3 stents in his arteries that were 98% blocked.  They say he was close to a massive heart attack had he not gotten the stents put in when he did.

Oh well, no luck.

That’s a joke, at least a half-hearted attempt at one. :/

Here’s the thing, after the surgery, he sends me a text to tell me he is ok and let the kids know.  We chat about the surgery a little here and there and then these text start:

The doctor says that the angina is mostly responsible for my ED.

Now I can get it up no problem.

As a matter of fact, I am so hard and erect the nurses had to give me a happy ending.

The doctor also says that the reason for my depression and anger issues is related to the angina as well.

I didn’t see the text as they came in, so I couldn’t stop them immediately, but when I saw the last one I replied:

Do me a favor, stop making jokes.  They are not funny and really, I’m not interested in yet another excuse why you behaved the way you did for 21 years.

He actually wrote back to apologize and said it was the drugs speaking.

But it didn’t end there.

When he picked the kids up a few days later, he had to repeat that the reason he couldn’t get it up for 10 years was because of heart problems.

So, while this is technically and physically true….he neglects to remember he had no desire.  Never mind the physical aspect, he had no interest what-so-ever.  He was always tired or there was something on TV.  Sex just wasn’t important to him.  And, eventually I grew tired of asking for it.

It’s so important to him that I understand why his manhood was compromised all those years.  I know why.  Because it’s one more thing he can say “it’s not my fault” and place the blame elsewhere.  He took no responsibility for any of our issues in marriage so one of the biggest ones now isn’t his responsibility either.

I was curious so I read up on his condition and prognosis.  Bottom line, he had been having obvious symptoms for almost 12 years and did nothing about it.  Even the doctors questioned why he wouldn’t have checked his heart at the first sign of ED when he was 40 years old.  That’s how unimportant sex was to him.  He didn’t care that much that he couldn’t get it up.  

Well, it seems he is going to live a bit longer and attempt (once again) to change his eating and healthy habits.  He tries every year and nothing sticks.

I’m just glad I don’t have to watch it any longer.

It did occur to my that my children almost lost both of their parents in a 3 months span which is really scary.  When the thought hit me, I actually got nauseous thinking I don’t even have a will prepared.

Time to get things in order.

I think I need to start a list of major crap I need to get done.  Clearing my brain of the man-cobwebs has finally created the ability to see responsibility again.

Urgh, part of me enjoyed shirking responsibilities the past 18 months.

Must I grow up?

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

23 thoughts on “Too Bad It Wasn’t A Heart Attack”

  1. My ex never seemed to want sex either. I thought it was a health issue for him too, but I was wrong. I also stopped asking, and as time passed, I stopped caring. I lost my desire too. I forgot that sex was actually fun and that I liked it. That’s one good thing my divorce gave back to me.

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  2. LOL I guess I wasn’t the only one missing out then. I can actually count the number of times we’ve had sex during our 10 years of marriage. It wasn’t until I left that I figured it all out. His disinterest in women…oh well…life goes on I guess…

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    1. Unfortunately, I can count as well – isn’t that so sad? My friends are convinced he’s gay, but I think he is ultimately just lazy and disinterested in much of anything. But – not our problem anymore….new men to discover!

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      1. I won’t be surprised if he is. Everywhere I turn I’m hearing stories about husbands coming out…I’m just waiting for mine to fess up :/ not that I really care. He can go and do whomever he wants, but don’t mess my kids up.

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      1. Well, Hello Caroline! 🙂 I am very happy to meet anyone like me because I thought exactly the same thing and frankly, I have been most liberated by reading the blogs, meeting other bloggers, and knowing I am NOT nearly alone in how I think and feel…it has even helped me much more open and honest IRL…and my self awareness has increased tenfold. Was it easy? No. Was it worth it? Absolutely!

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  3. Madeline, you are a hoot! I can’t say that I wish Loser would have had a heart attack but I have wished his dick would fall off. There was never any problem with him getting it up….there was a problem with me not wanting to see the stupid thing. He used it on his tramps instead (which is how I got Herpes.) Now, the poor thing can’t get it up for one of those tramps…if he hasn’t already, he had better get some of those little blue pills or else, it’s back to the bar for her…to find somebody who can get it up. (She’ll still let him pay her bills, though.) LOL

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    1. Yea, I do wish his dick would fall off quite frequently but for very different reasons – just because my x is so shallow…it would probably force him to suicide!! Oh, you poor thing, I’m so sorry.

      And I am so happy I make you laugh!

      Will you help me bury the body too? lol!!

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  4. Quite the opposite. I spent the last years of my marriage shamelessly wishing he WOULD have a heart attack. I know how that sounds, but one must understand the level of abuse I was under for so many years. I had no desire for him, and he came after me every single day for sex and wouldn’t take no for an answer. It was awful. My divorce was not only freedom from oppression but freedom to FEEL again. I’m glad your kids still have you and their dad. It’s one of the hardest things to think about, but I would never want my kids to be without their dad (because I need the child support – :p HAH!). Seriously, it hasn’t been easy but I do always try to be positive about their relationship with him.

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    1. Abusive relationships are horrible and I am sorry you had to endure that. I totally understand how divorce brings the soul out of you and makes you want to experience life and all it has to offer once again.

      It’s good to try and stay positive – it’s just not easy, ever.

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  5. Honey, you must not ever buy into his ways of trying to make things your fault! You know better!! In my opinion and also from observations of men, and yes women too, oftentimes when someone has a brush with mortality, and they come out on the other side, they feel the need to fulfill something that was missing before the scare. In his case, this might be a need to have a ton of sex. Or it could be that he’s finally feeling so much better now that the blockages are gone. Blood flow does make a difference! But…. This doesn’t mean that he’s changed all that much as you know. He’s no longer your responsibility. Keep on taking care of YOU!!

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