And all I do is think about sex.
These two things are not a good combination for me. They lead to poor decision making.
Oh, I take out my toys. But that only works so much. I’m dying for some great sex. Boy, do I miss great sex.
I worry I can’t have great sex yet because my head/heart isn’t in it. And the jury is out on if I can ever have casual sex for any extended period of time.
I matched with a man who started down the sex path, trying to convince me that it was ok to have a full sexual relationship before the emotional relationship was built. While I actually know that is possible, I also know the likelihood of it working out that way is slim to none. This guy seemed more impressed with the fact I was sticking to my guns and had convinced himself that I must be amazing if I wouldn’t consider what he had to offer.
I continued talking to him longer than I should have because my libido got the best of me. He began to share photos and turns out he is hot, just my type of hot too. Big thick shoulders and arms. He said all the things that make me tingle. I could also tell he was just the right type of dominant. And, did I mention, his body was smoking hot. At 50. Oh, and he’s an attorney so he is particularly well-spoken.
Soon, he sent me a video of himself. He was stroking his cock. It was luscious, fat and long. I was immediately sucked in, pun intended. All I could think about was being fucked by that cock.
And then, *poof* I realized I wasn’t all that impressed. I suppose I woke up. I admit to watching the video once then deleting it. I sent him a quick text to say I was certain I wasn’t interested in a sex only relationship and good luck to him. Then I blocked and deleted him.
It was like temporary insanity, because that cock was amazing.
Thinking of continuing my sexual exploration caused me to get a bit heated.
Around the same time, I started another conversation with a man who met all my initial criteria. Good looking, local, tall and a good career. Single. He quickly let me know he was looking for a non-vanilla relationship. However, he indicated “relationship” as the key word.
Curiosity got the best of me and I allowed the conversation to continue.
It was like déjà vu.
He was interested in finding a play partner that he could also date and develop a relationship with. I should have run at that first statement, but like I said, curiosity had the best of me. I hadn’t spoken to a man about sex clubs and the like in a long time. He claims he wants the “whole thing” as far as dating and sex goes…..but I don’t think I buy it.
He knew the ropes and he was a leader. I could feel myself getting excited at the prospect of having a strong sexual partner again. Both of these men in the space of a day was causing my libido to override my better sense.
As the conversation continued it became very clear to me that one thing I need was missing: pretense.
I can’t do it without the pretense.
We had become so focused on the sex club talk that there was no other conversation. He wasn’t interested in getting to know me and only wanted to understand my sexual experiences.
I had agreed to meet him a few days later, but I began to realize there was no point in meeting him at all. He said he wanted a relationship, but I think he didn’t. I have to remember people show themselves to you quickly, he could back-pedal and claim he wanted to date, but it wasn’t his primary goal.
When I reached out to tell him that I had changed my mind and explained why, he quickly jumped in with “I will bend over backwards to please you” and “whatever you want in dating.” I asked him why the sudden press and he said its because good lifestyle partners are so hard to come by. He had asked me enough lifestyle questions to know he struck gold. I wanted to believe him, but my gut was telling me otherwise. I succumbed to meeting him for one drink. On a night I had to get home for a work call, so there was no opportunity for play.
Any man who is going to engage with me sexually now is going to hit the jackpot. I don’t even second guess myself anymore and now know that I don’t need to be the thinnest, best looking, or youngest to be convinced of my sexuality anymore. I am certain.
The piece that works in opposition to this is the fact that I want to have fun and explore and be crazy again and I’m starting to chomp at the bit after so many months of not having amazing sexual experiences. I am trying to convince myself that I could manage continued casual sex.
I don’t think I can. Experience has shown me that I need more than casual sex.
This is some weird type of balancing act that I need to figure out for myself. How can I still have sex and not be attached to anyone I meet? How can I have great sex knowing I may not have sex with that person again? Why are sex and emotion so entirely tied up together for me?
I’m wobbling a bit here as it’s a fine line between libido and emotion for me.
At the moment, libido has won out as I had agreed to meet for a drink after work…….