Balancing Act

I’m bored.

And all I do is think about sex.

These two things are not a good combination for me.  They lead to poor decision making.

Oh, I take out my toys.  But that only works so much.  I’m dying for some great sex.  Boy, do I miss great sex.

I worry I can’t have great sex yet because my head/heart isn’t in it.  And the jury is out on if I can ever have casual sex for any extended period of time.

I matched with a man who started down the sex path, trying to convince me that it was ok to have a full sexual relationship before the emotional relationship was built.  While I actually know that is possible, I also know the likelihood of it working out that way is slim to none.    This guy seemed more impressed with the fact I was sticking to my guns and had convinced himself that I must be amazing if I wouldn’t consider what he had to offer.

I continued talking to him longer than I should have because my libido got the best of me.  He began to share photos and turns out he is hot, just my type of hot too.  Big thick shoulders and arms.  He said all the things that make me tingle.  I could also tell he was just the right type of dominant. And, did I mention, his body was smoking hot.  At 50. Oh, and he’s an attorney so he is particularly well-spoken.

Soon, he sent me a video of himself.  He was stroking his cock.  It was luscious, fat and long.  I was immediately sucked in, pun intended.  All I could think about was being fucked by that cock.

And then, *poof* I realized I wasn’t all that impressed.  I suppose I woke up.  I admit to watching the video once then deleting it.  I sent him a quick text to say I was certain I wasn’t interested in a sex only relationship and good luck to him.  Then I blocked and deleted him.

It was like temporary insanity, because that cock was amazing.

Thinking of continuing my sexual exploration caused me to get a bit heated.

Around the same time, I started another  conversation with a man who met all my initial criteria. Good looking, local, tall and a good career. Single. He quickly let me know he was looking for a non-vanilla relationship.  However, he indicated “relationship” as the key word.

Curiosity got the best of me and I allowed the conversation to continue.

It was like déjà vu.

He was interested in finding a play partner that he could also date and develop a relationship with. I should have run at that first statement, but like I said, curiosity had the best of me. I hadn’t spoken to a man about sex clubs and the like in a long time.  He claims he wants the “whole thing” as far as dating and sex goes…..but I don’t think I buy it.

He knew the ropes and he was a leader. I could feel myself getting excited at the prospect of having a strong sexual partner again.  Both of these men in the space of a day was causing my libido to override my better sense.

As the conversation continued it became very clear to me that one thing I need was missing: pretense.

I can’t do it without the pretense.

We had become so focused on the sex club talk that there was no other conversation. He wasn’t interested in getting to know me and only wanted to understand my sexual experiences.

I had agreed to meet him a few days later, but I began to realize there was no point in meeting him at all.  He said he wanted a relationship, but I think he didn’t.  I have to remember people show themselves to you quickly, he could back-pedal and claim he wanted to date, but it wasn’t his primary goal.

When I reached out to tell him that I had changed my mind and explained why, he quickly jumped in with “I will bend over backwards to please you” and “whatever you want in dating.”  I asked him why the sudden press and he said its because good lifestyle partners are so hard to come by.  He had asked me enough lifestyle questions to know he struck gold.  I wanted to believe him, but my gut was telling me otherwise.  I succumbed to meeting him for one drink.  On a night I had to get home for a work call, so there was no opportunity for play.

Any man who is going to engage with me sexually now is going to hit the jackpot.  I don’t even second guess myself anymore and now know that I don’t need to be the thinnest, best looking, or youngest to be convinced of my sexuality anymore.  I am certain.

The piece that works in opposition to this is the fact that I want to have fun and explore and be crazy again and I’m starting to chomp at the bit after so many months of not having amazing sexual experiences.  I am trying to convince myself that I could manage continued casual sex.

I don’t think I can.  Experience has shown me that I need more than casual sex.

This is some weird type of balancing act that I need to figure out for myself.  How can I still have sex and not be attached to anyone I meet?  How can I have great sex knowing I may not have sex with that person again?  Why are sex and emotion so entirely tied up together for me?

I’m wobbling a bit here as it’s a fine line between libido and emotion for me.

At the moment, libido has won out as I had agreed to meet for a drink after work…….

Author: Madeline Harper

My journey through divorce and an emotional and sexual reawakening. Love, laughter, friendships, family and heartbreak included. And there is sex, lots of it, so close your eyes and turn the page if that's not for you! While I started this blog as an endeavor to journal my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to better understand myself, it has become an amazing platform from which I have met some of the most interesting and wonderful people in my life. My path is often crooked, but I hope you will share in the journey with me.

55 thoughts on “Balancing Act”

  1. I find that most men are emotionally unavailable even though they are clearly saying they want a relationship. Mostly they just want sex, that’s why they are there, so I don’t doubt that u can totally have your pick of you wanted a casual relationship. To a guy, that’s gold.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My experience is the same, most men are not emotionally interested and are out there for the sex – at all ages. There are some, but for me, those other men tend to be missing the dominant qualities I prefer in a man.

      If I could have a casual sexual relationship again I would be gold – I am the perfect fun partner in that respect. But after last year, I just don’t think I’m ready for it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m loving the new you M. I really am.

    I think finding your feet is a hard game and you’re playing it so well. Heaven knows I often let my panties take over my brain function and have gotten myself into heated situations that I should have avoided – but bravo to you for side stepping and snapping out of it when you did.

    I think there’s always a delicate balancing act. Keep at it. I have no doubt that you’ll strike gold at some point 🙂

    S xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Sharn! Thanks! I really miss the sex and I’m sure it’s going to lead to future bad decision making, but I suppose we all lead with our panties at some point or another. I don’t mind having the casual sex, it’s just trying to figure out how to manage the emotional piece I seem so invested in that’s baffling me. I think until I’m more certain I can manage it I’m better off not trying.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I totally agree.

        I tried it do the casual sex without the emotions and it worked. Till it didn’t.

        When you know what you want just sex for sex sakes seems to be hard. At least it was for me.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think that’s exactly it, Sharn. Now I know what I want – in bed and out – and it’s hard to think of sacrificing too much of that at the moment.

        I know there’s a balance in there somewhere, I just don’t know what it is – or even if I will be able to manage it properly when it I find it.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Sigh…
    You are doing so much better, which is great! Remember that the men who talk about sex that way are also much more likely to disappear and bail. Some just want the talk and won’t meet in person.
    In my opinion, the only time someone is able to handle casual sex is once they aren’t using attention / affection / sex to fill any emotional buckets. That’s when the trouble starts. If you’re self esteem is good and you are okay on your own, then sex has the potential to just be sex. I know some people say they can’t do it at all… But if you want to be able to, I think that’s where you’ll need to be mentally.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thanks Ann! I feel better for making healthier decisions even if they are not always the first decision. At least I can see what I’m doing now and I’m not blind to my behavior.
      I know, at the moment, I’m probably incapable of getting into a casual relationship. It might be that way for a long time the way I work – I don’t know.
      I do know when I read your stories I’m chomping at the bit to get back to fun and adventurous sex and it’s literally making me nuts to have to pay attention to my heart instead of my libido!!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. The balancing act isn’t easy; changing a lifetime of habits is even harder. You (not you) get caught in that need to be emotionally involved with someone and that need to get laid and, if possible, without complications. I was taught – and as a lot of folks in my age group – that you only have sex with someone you either care deeply about or you’re in love with… and for some guys (in particular), that’s a good way to never get laid since there are obviously people you’d wanna have sex with – but a relationship isn’t high on one’s list of things to and for a lot of reasons… and some we actually share with women, i.e., lots of past disappointments and failures.

    Can you separate the two things and act on them independently? Sure – a lot of women do it because like us (to an extent) if they can’t, they never get laid; that need for the emotional connection just prevents them from “simply” saying, “I need to get laid and that’s all I want right at this moment!”

    “Emotionally unavailable” is a phrase that gets laid on men a lot these days and I think it’s more like emotional suppression than anything else – that whole “you gotta be macho” crap we wind up learning that teaches us that letting “softer” emotions be seen doesn’t make us strong, like love and compassion, for instance. Some of us get so damaged that we do become unavailable and I think it’s a self-preservation kind of thing; if we don’t wear our hearts on our sleeves, they can’t get pulverized into putty. But our desire to have sex, more often than not, isn’t affected by this, giving us the very bad rep of having that one track mind and sex is all we think about, that and we live in a world where NSA sex is becoming more and more the way to do things. Well,that and we’re biologically programmed to always want to have sex, something some women can’t stand about us – but oddly identical to why women just won’t let anyone screw them; has something to do with sperm being plentiful but eggs aren’t – some pretty interesting stuff, too, that tells a story about how we don’t know as much about each other as we think we do.

    Here’s the thing some men don’t understand or care about: If you’re not prepared to have a relationship of some kind with a woman, don’t ask her if you can screw her. Everyone seems to be into that “It’s all about me” kind of mindset that gives little consideration to what the other person might want so, as with the first guy you mentioned, he just wants sex but every fiber of your being says, “That’s good… but I need that connection before I can do that because I’d feel weird just having sex because I need it!” And, yes, this makes guys think women are insane because we’ve been “forced” to learn that one thing has nothing to do with the other because we do run across women who say, “I don’t wanna have a relationship right now – I just wanna fuck!” and if we’re relationship-minded – and a lot of us still are, by the way – if we wanna get laid, we gotta change some stuff and get all into that balancing act as well.

    And there’s the great disconnect. “Slut shaming” keeps a woman’s legs closed because, historically, non-relationship sex is such a horrible thing for a woman to engage in; men aren’t all that able to stop suppressing their deeper emotions lest they appear to be a pussy-whipped biatch and, really, we’ve never dealt with rejection all that well and that can put us in the dreaded emotionally unavailable category.

    It’s really a damned shame, Madeline, that men and women can make just getting laid a damned hard thing to do these days. In this, both sides can be damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Still, at the end of every single day, Madeline has to do what Madeline believes is best for her, right?

    Just my $1.99 worth on one of the most troubling issues between men and women…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Love your $1.99! 🙂 I am *mostly* over the slut-shaming piece. Sometimes, I think to myself what certain people might think about the way I conduct my sexual exploration and consider me a slut/whore/whatever, but they can go about things their way, and I will go about mine in my own way. I certainly have found many, many like minded individuals here on the blog which helped me actually embrace my desires instead of continuing to repress them. And then I had a man who brought out the best in me sexually – so I would like to continue along that path, but I think part of me is afraid the formula won’t be there a second time around and I am definitely in a place where I can’t manage any more hurt. At the end of the day, I don’t judge any men for wanting to *just* get laid, I do believe it’s a biological need for both men and women…but agree with your earlier comments about how people have just lost the knack to be kind and honest about what it is they want. All this game playing and lying isn’t for me. I do like a little pretense, but I don’t need to be convinced, their actions always give their intentions away if you are paying enough attention.


      1. Madeline, we are only “one and done” when we live; otherwise, there are always opportunities available IF one is willing to reach out and grab them. But we – men and women both – let our past failures get in the way of future endeavors or we think someone was the bomb shit… but they were the only such item out there.

        And this isn’t the case at all. None of us ever get it right the first time; rarely does someone hit the jackpot right out of the gate and it endures until it’s time to leave here for good. Thus, we are constantly trying to get that which we need – love, companionship, sex and, preferably, we want it all in one package – the preferred moral behavior – but that doesn’t mean we can’t get these “items” on an as-needed basis.

        Logic and common sense both say that if you just need to get laid, go get laid – how hard is that given that in your cases, there are many men you can screw and simply because you need to be screwed? But your conditioning makes it hard; no sex without a personal commitment and emotional content and it wars against what your body wants – a nice big, hard, cock to induce orgasmic release. Now, you have a choice: Get the cock and enjoy it without any shame… or cut yourself off and cause yourself both physical and emotional issues because your values won’t allow you to do anything other than that.

        And at some point, you gotta ask yourself if it makes sense to deprive yourself when you don’t have to. Now, can you find sex first then love? Yes as long as you don’t believe the dogma you’ve been taught that says love should always come first. As a man, I know I don’t have to love you to screw you silly… but I also know that in the process, I could find love.

        The thing that gets men in trouble with women is that we don’t need to be into you to want to take you to bed; but that’s exactly what a lot of women require and these dissimilar mindsets do not work in anyone’s favor, which is why a lot of women start “acting like men;” get the dick, see ya later… maybe… but they’re still looking for that guy they can love and be with, too.

        And it’s hard for women to change to a more freer sexual mindset and without them feeling like they’re doing something wrong by merely satisfying their urges and being just as opportunistic as men can be.


        Liked by 1 person

      2. KDaddy, I’m just not sure it’s about conditioning. I tried for a long time last year to maintain a casual sexual relationship with more than one man, so it wasn’t about having the sex then having shame…I didn’t (and don’t) feel shame in my sexual encounters. I feel emptiness for lack of a better understanding of myself. I am also ok starting with sex and allowing it to grow into something else. I suppose one of the things I fear most is the *possibility* I like someone enough to see them more than once to have sex and then having sex ruins that chance…it has happened to many women (including me). That seems the way of the world.
        In any case, it’s not about shame or dogma…I can deal with the sex. I don’t think it’s wrong on ANY level anymore…I actually laugh when I think about what some people probably think of me should they know of my antics – I don’t really care much as they are not my friends anyway and sit in moral judgement based on their own beliefs – who cares.
        But I am scared about unleashing any more emotional energy in anyone in my wounded state….and so far my sexual encoutners have created that abyss in me, even though I may not have meant for them to be emotional, the emotion was too close to the surface.
        That last relationship did my head in. I don’t think I can cope with much until I am solidly over it. Unfortunately, I keep realizing this more and more each day. I just refuse to hide in a closet and wait for it to be over and have chosen to approach it more straight on, but cautiously.


      3. Try as we might, we can’t easily escape being emotional and especially if it’s not in our best interests for whatever reason. The trick isn’t to vacate being emotional; it’s deciding what to do if/when emotions show up to spoil the party, as it were and this isn’t easy to do either.

        Just do what you gotta do to make it work the best for you and don’t worry about the things you truly have no control over…

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Well, to date, emotion has only shown up after the sex and then in lack of total control – the last time was so ugly I vowed not to let that happen again.

        I wish I knew the root cause – had it happened before or during I could have stopped myself.

        Now, I have to stop myself before because I don’t actually know exactly what’s creating it.


      5. One other thing, if I may? Even I have been in situations where sex has “ruined” what could have been an amazing thing… but have you ever asked yourself why this happens?

        The answer, I’ve found, is horribly complicated and not easy to explain; otherwise, I’d try to explain this one.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Bravo to you for knowing your current boundaries and exercising them. Libido can be an ugly thing for a woman over 40 (I’m new to your blog so I don’t know if you are, but I AM)… even when you’re married and real life has to be attended to first. I would be a hot ball of hormones were I left alone too long, and probably not very responsible for my actions. It definitely is a tough balancing act.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Tara – I’m 46 – so I totally get it, especially when I didn’t really have any libido the last 5 years of my 21 year marriage. Coming out of my marriage sent me into quite a bit of craziness, and I had some pretty amazing experiences. Trying to continue my exploration while balancing the emotion will not be easy for me!

      Thanks for coming to read my blog, I look forward to your comments! 🙂 M x


  6. Kudos to people who can have sex no strings attached… Sex without involving emotions. I am and have never been that type, goes without saying I was never the One to have one night stands, or casual sex as they call it.
    But we are all human animals-sexual creatures and of course we want, need, desire to have mind blowing sex.
    I think at the point you’re at in this moment you know what you want. You learned from heart ache that you are not ready right now to venture into a just sexual relationship. And because of what you experience with the highs of love and dating you now know what you want, and what you’re looking for. And good for you that you are putting boundaries and cutting out those potential sex only disguised in relationship. If it’s a relationship you want the whole package then you are on the right path, picking-choosing and seeing through just bs talk. Go out have fun but at the end of the night go home alone and make your potential suitor wait for the goods. (As you too will have to wait for the goods) but you’ll get to know one another in a deeper level before sex.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for weighing in on this KC…..while I believe that committed relationships add value to the sex, I am not sure I am even ready for the relationship piece…which leaves me in a quandary.
      I like the fun and freedom that comes from a more casual relationship, but most likely know it’s not for me (lie you). But…I don’t know if I have the patience to wait for the right man to come along to give me the whole package and that feels like a lot of pressure out of the gate in dating. When I talk about balance, I may be thinking I want to find a way to have fun, have sex and explore, but not be fully committed….I’m also not a firm believer in “waiting for the goods” While I have seen it in action and I believe it’s fine to wait, I also like the ability to be a free enough woman to have sex when I want to have sex and have no qualms about it. I hate the stigma that having sex too soon in a relationship kills the potential for the relationship to continue (though I agree it’s true).


      1. Oh I understood you wanted a full on committed relationship. And I get what you mean, and also I’m not saying make him and you wait forever but maybe not on the first date. I’m all for single people to go out and enjoy their freedom and sexuality. I always encourage my single as newly single/divorced friends to go out and play the Field. I tell them to have fun for me to 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. There is, I suppose most relationships start semi-serious. I don’t think we go into relationships thinking this is the one. It’s a casual build up, sometimes it takes a while to know you just want to date one particular person and make it official and make it last. I guess it all is in the right timing to find said person. Just don’t lower your expectations and don’t force what may as may not be.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Wow! I am going through a very similar mindset now too. We want to be respected and want to find more than just a casual sex only thing, but men seem to mostly think with the southern head don’t they? While yes it is important to be compatible sexually, we want the whole package. Trick is finding a man that’s patient enough to wait to have sex. I myself have a promising dinner date with a man who is being flirty yet respectful. We will see…. And yes I plan to be writing about it on my own blog soon. Hang in there!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ya! Can’t wait for your post!

      I think the men who want relationships are there – we all just have our own standards we look for in a partner and they are often hard to find.

      I think, though, no sex for a few dates is still something very different than a casual sex only relationship. Even then, I worry that if I can commit to a sex only relationship that it’s not consistent enough for me to feel valued as a partner. This is a slippery slope and I find it more confusing now that I know what I want and need than when I didn’t!

      The saying “ignorance is bliss” os true. When I was out there “sampling” sex, I had the perspective that it could only get better. Now that I have had utterly amazing sex, I’m terrified I may never have it so good again!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. You know the story, M. E only wanted a friend with benefits. Now we are living together and last night he mentioned “marriage”. I bit my tongue. Hang in there! You’ll find it. I know it!! ❤ xoxox

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Holy Cow Andi!! The “M” word??! so happy for you and E and I know it wasn’t an easy road there…with lots of early bumps for sure.

      I do believe relationships can start as sex driven and turn to more, but what I worry about it getting into another one with another man who can’t or won’t ultimately want to commit when I do.

      Either way, I do acknowledge I am just to broken right now to actually do much more than a casual relationship.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You aren’t broken, just a little cracked right now! The right man will come along and hold you so tight that the cracks heal themselves. Loving you!

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I like this M 2.0. “To thine own self be true”. You know that sex clouds everything. You admit you are horny, but you are showing self control/restraint because you want a relationship, which is a mature action. I am so impressed. Now, if you slip up once in awhile, that’s OK too. We are all a work in progress and you are doing awesome. Congrats!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. haha – I expect more than one or two future slip ups when desperation kicks in…I’ve proven that to myself. It’s funny how you guys see this as restraint, because I don’t see it that way at all….the only reason I have held back is because each of them are missing important characteristics….if it’s looks, pretense, personality, alpha qualities – whatever it is…I haven’t been presented with a challenge yet.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Don’t sell yourself short by saying desperation. Sex is great and owning that you are a sexual person that has desires is totally awesome. I have my boys I enjoy casually on the side, but don’t get tied emotionally. I don’t call having casual sex an act of desperation.

    For instance, what some call “the walk of shame” others call “stride of pride.” You should never talk negatively about yourself for being sexual. As long as both parties are consenting adults having fun, safe sex, enjoy! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. lol – yes, you are right – I think, in terms of me – when I say desperate what tends to happen is that I make good decisions for a while about who to sleep with/or not, then when I have waited to long I become reckless and start making bad decisions based on the need to be sexual.

      I really like how you framed that and that is certainly something I have to get better at – framing things so they remain positive – and I totally believe being a sensual and sexual woman is a positive thing!

      And…hello and thank you for such a great first comment on my blog! I hope to hear more from you! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Oh, I so recognize myself in this!! So much so that it is indeed funny! I found myself smiling while reading it. Here’s to hoping we both can find BOTH sex and a genuine connection with a person. I agree wholeheartedly, the waiting to find someone is really boring.. and sex is a basic human need, so it is a hard balancing act!! I must immdiately read on, about what happened with the drink with this man! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh. Stay calm! You are in control of you. Libido can’t tell you what to do anymore than another person can tell you what to do. You are the boss! 🙂 I understand the frustration though. Take care. Hugs 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  12. I hear you being true to yourself in this post and hear in the comments section that many are supportive of your decisions. I too have agreed with several of the comments and know you are sounding much better than before.


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